I'm Totally Not Kidding

Submitted by Leila:

I met Max at a restaurant where I was waiting for friends at the bar. We had a decent conversation, so we exchanged numbers and in about a week I got a text from him. We planned a date at a nice restaurant in the city.

He was already there when I arrived. I spotted him talking to a couple at the bar. After the couple had left, he turned to me and said, "People are just drawn to me.  They love to hear me talk."

On to dinner where he described how his employees loved the extra money that he showered on them (he would send them on scavenger hunts for coin), the book he wrote and how it is the pinnacle of the written word, how there was no one above him in his profession, and of course, his incredible ability to captivate an audience. Also he talked about how the waitress secretly wanted him. I must not have caught that as she silently gave us our food. He claimed a "sixth sense about these things."

After he was somehow able to make the waitress contain her "obvious" lust for him, he took a phone call at the table. A snippet: "Not much, how are you? No, I'm just at dinner with a client."

I said "I'm not your client."  He shushed me. I hadn't remembered asking for his services and he was the one who officially labeled the evening as a date. He continued to get drunker and more amusing.

The topic went to the movie Thank You for Smoking, which I said was one of my favorite movies. He said that I reminded him of the main character (a smooth talking tobacco company spokesman). My eyes brightened and I said, "Really?  Well thank y–"

"I'm totally kidding."

I was no longer interested in impressing him, so I asked if I could stop by my place, which was close, to change into sneakers and pants. I had my bike helmet sitting out.  He put it on and proceeded to run into my walls with it. I led him out the door so that I would be spared my rental deposit.

We walked around the city, him headbutting trees we passed with his helmeted head. I knew there might be some damage to the helmet, but it was worth it for the show.

He didn't have a car, which was a mystery unto itself, as he had earlier claimed that he had driven his Lexus into the city.  I drove him home.

On the way there, more people called him and he continued to say he was with a client. As we were driving he said, "I should get a motorcycle, huh? It'll get me lots of chicks."

I opened the car window and a sudden gust of wind made me tear up. He asked me if I was crying. I told him I was because I was hoping he would call me again. He said, "You know I will, baby."

I said, "I'm totally kidding."

He dated a friend of mine (my warnings fell on deaf ears) a few weeks later. The second she arrived for the date, he gave her a copy of his book. He told her a completely different story of his life (in this version he was some sort of inventor with a second home in Switzerland) and stole her watch.

Cold-Blooded. Scaly. My Date.

Submitted by Erica:

Charles and I met at a local computer store.  I was having trouble finding the right printer cartridges for my machine, and I was also having trouble finding a helpful sales clerk.  He helped me out, we talked, and I gave him my number.

There was a reptile show at a nearby exhibition hall, and he really wanted to go.  I'm not the biggest fan of lizards, snakes and the like, although my older brother had a gecko when I was younger.  It was a curious, but different, choice for a first date.

The entire time while we were there, he ignored me.  I tried to make conversation and ask questions, but he gave off a strong, "Why are you bothering me?" vibe.  Why invite me to a reptile show if you'd have obviously rather gone by yourself?  I contented myself with taking photos of the various animals.

We made it to one table where some sort of rare lizard was being shown.  He was spellbound, and fought his way up to the head of the crowd to see it.  I texted him to call me when he was done, and I turned and checked out more of the exhibition.

Fifteen or so minutes later, someone screamed and a blur of security guards whooshed past me.  Turns out, Charles was caught trying to steal a breeding pair of lizards.  They caught him, and that, I believe, was the end of our "date."

The Problem with Standards

Submitted by Justin:

My first date with Claudia seemed to go just fine.  We did dinner, bowling, and we walked around a local mall, since the weather was too cold for a walk outside.

At the end of the date, I drove her home and right before she left my car, she turned to me and said, "Sorry, but you're no Ben."

I asked her, "Who's Ben?"

She answered, "My ex.  He's sort of the high-water mark. Don't feel bad, though.  No guy ever hits the Ben level.  I wonder if anyone will."

"If he was so great, then why is he your ex?"

"Eew," she said, and left the car.

I called after her that it was a valid question, but it must not have been the sort of question that Ben would have asked, since she didn't come back.

Dance with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight

Submitted by Lauren:

Jason arranged a moonlight beach picnic for our meet-up.  He brought a battery-powered CD player along, and after dinner, he turned it on and hit play.  Some jazz started playing, he stood up, took my hands, and we danced on the beach for a bit.

It was sweet and fun, but after ten minutes, I got tired and wanted to sit back down.  I let go of his hands and went to sit, but he grabbed my hands again and started to dance again.  I let go again and told him that I needed a break.

"Just a little longer," he said, but I was done for the time being and I smiled and sat down.

He gave me a nasty look and said, "Fine!  Be stupid and ugly!" and packed up the picnic and stormed back to his car.

I was stunned and hurt, but I followed him, as he was my ride.  He didn't say one single word to me on the way home, but he blasted his jazz music in his car's stereo, way, way loudly.  I couldn't wait to get home.

But Donut Holes Are So Small

Submitted by Kimberly:

I met up with Chad at a cafe.  One of his first questions to me after sitting down was, "Do you think they serve alcohol here?"

We were talking, but it was a weird conversation.  Between topics (and even during them) he would stop talking altogether and just stare at me.  Even sometimes after I had asked him a question or had finished talking and waited for his response.

We were on the topic of food when he asked me if I liked donuts.  I told him that I didn't eat them too often, and then he leaned his head towards me, like he wanted to tell me a secret.  He whispered, "Because I use them in the bedroom."

I laughed, because I didn't know what else to do.  I soon after told him that I had to meet my sister and that I had to leave.

Flower Power

Submitted by Tom:

Christina had offered to cook for me for our first date.  I brought a small bouquet of flowers.  She opened the door with a smile, saw the flowers, frowned, took them from me, hit me with them, and slammed the door in my face.

I stood there stunned for a few minutes, then knocked.  There was no response, so I left and never heard from her again.

Don't Picture This

Submitted by Scott:

Julie brought a photo album with her to our first date.  It had to be close to six inches thick, and must have contained at least one photo from every day of her life.  She sat down next to me at the cafe where we were meeting, put the book on my lap, and narrated each photo, page by page.

"Why'd you bring this?" I asked her.

She said, "I want you to know all about me."

I asked, "Why not just do it the old-fashioned way, like through conversation?"

She answered, "Well this way, you'll have a lot of topics to talk to me about and ask me about."

We went through pages and pages and pages and pages of photos of her, her biologist older sister, her financial counselor older brother, and her parents' divorce and remarriage... to each other.  I should have brought an album, myself, so that we could have both had something to read.

Finally, I came upon a photo of her with a large, bearded, teddy-bear-like man.  She told me, "That's Angus, my ex."

There were a few pages of herself with Angus, and as I continued on, I noticed that she had stopped narrating the photos.  She was looking off into space.

"Julie?  What's wrong?"

She carefully took the book from me and closed it.  She looked down into her lap and said, "Maybe I think I'm not sure if I'm really ready to date right now."

I was only too happy to agree with her, and we parted as friends.  Weirdo.

Perturbed in the Pumpkin Patch

Submitted by Melanie:

As part of our date, Kenny took me out to a pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin for his front porch.  We went up and down the lines of pumpkins and at some point I looked up and didn't see him anywhere.  Then I heard, "Hey Mel!  Think fast!" I turned and saw him tossing a sizable pumpkin at me.

There was no way I could have caught it, so I dodged aside and let it hit the ground, where it dented and split.  I yelled, "What the hell?"

One of the workers there called, "You'll have to pay for that!"

Kenny replied, "She will!  She didn't catch it."

I thought he was just kidding on top of being thoughtless, but when we made it to the counter with the pumpkin he finally picked out, he told me to pay for the broken one.  I refused, saying that I didn't break it; he had tossed it in the first place.  The worker sided with me, and Kenny used colorful language to describe both of us before shelling out the cash for the bruised pumpkin.

He didn't call me again after that, and I wasn't complaining.  What would he throw at me next time?

The Worst Flavor Imaginable

Submitted by Claire:

I like sushi, but I'm not a fan of certain kinds, like tuna.  It just tastes too fishy to me, and I've had bad tuna before.  Everything else is mostly fine, as far as I'm concerned.

Dan took me to a sushi place and we ordered rolls.  Mine was mostly eel, Dan's was mostly tuna.  After dinner, we took a walk by a river that went through town. We sat on a bench, and Dan leaned in as if to kiss me.

I pushed him away slightly and told him that I wouldn't be able to handle the tuna taste too well.  I asked him if he had any mints on him.  He said that he didn't and leaned in again to try for another kiss.  Again, I pushed him away.

He said that he wasn't going to go and look for a drug store to buy mints, since it would ruin the moment.  He tried a third time and I told him that I was serious.  I really didn't want to kiss a tuna-flavored mouth.

He frowned and forced himself in one more time, pressing his lips to mine. I gagged and threw up a little, right into his face.

He stood up and said that I was "sick idiot," wiped his face off with his jacket sleeves, and left me there.

I felt pretty awful for him, but I was as far from embarrassed as could be.  If anything, it sounds really weird, but I felt glad.  Good riddance to that creep!

John Fogarty's Biggest Fan

Submitted by John:

Ellen wanted to go to a John Fogarty show for our first date.  I hadn't heard much of his stuff, but she was a big fan, so she took care of the tickets and off we went.

When we made it to the venue, they took our tickets and informed us that they were fake.

"What do you mean, they're fake?" she asked.  "They're not fake."

They tried rescanning them and sure enough, they weren't going through.  They handed them back to her.

I asked her where she bought them from and she said that they were from a friend.  She tried again and they attempted to scan them a third time, and they didn't go through.  "Sorry, miss."

"No!" she shouted, "They're real!  They're real!"  She broke through the ticket takers and ran inside, leaving me alone at the head of a line of really impatient, angering John Fogarty fans.

"Get her!" the takers said, and some big guys pursued her.  I stood off to the side and waited.

A minute later, they dragged the kicking, stomping, snarling, spitting Ellen out and onto the street.  When they released her, she tried breaking in again, but they held her back and threatened to call the police.

She looked at me, said, "Take me home," and that was the end of the date.  It ended before it began, I guess.

Cold Day, Cold Hearts

Submitted by Craig:

My date with Jillian was in the early fall, and we were out on a walk.  She was shivering and I offered her my coat.  She declined it and we kept on walking.  We had a destination in mind, but her obvious discomfort made me say, "Let's go into this nearby coffee place, just to warm up."

She claimed to be fine and that she just wanted to keep walking.  Okay, then.

She kept shivering and I took off my coat and put it on her.  She asked me what I thought I was doing, and I told her that it was okay, I'd be fine.  She handed the coat back to me without a word.  All right.

Her teeth began chattering and I stopped.  "Are you feeling well?  You're shaking all over."

She snapped that she was fine, asked me why I couldn't leave her alone, and said that I was just as overbearing as her ex.  Here I was just trying to be nice.

We finally made it to our destination (a community theater) but I had already decided not to see her again after that.  I wouldn't want my niceness to be continually misread and mistrusted.

Bad Burger

Submitted by Jenni:

Troy took me to a pub/American diner sort of place for dinner.  I ordered a salad, being a vegetarian, and he ordered a two-pound bacon cheeseburger.

When dinner was served, he opened up the bun, made a high-pitched voice, and moved it around like a mouth.  It was pretty disgusting, and he reached over even further, over my salad with the dripping meat, and opened it wide and made a sound akin to vomiting, and his patty and all of its juices fell right into my salad.

"Why the hell would you do that?" I demanded.

"What's your problem?" he asked, "It's just a joke."

"I'm vegetarian," I said, "And now I have to order a new salad!"

He rolled his eyes and used his fingers to pick the meat out of my salad.  "There you go.  All better."

He slipped the patty back into his bread and chowed down.  I flagged the waitress down and asked her if she'd bring me a new salad because Troy's meat had "fallen" into mine.  She said that they'd probably have to charge us for it.

I looked at Troy.  He gulped down some burger and said, "You paying for it?"

I said, "No, I think I'm just going to leave," and so I did.  He didn't try to follow me, which I'm glad about.

The Life Aquatic with a Conspiracy Theorist

Submitted by Patricia:

Jim was the frontman in a local band and I went out to see his group perform regularly.  He and I would talk, drink, and hang out after his shows.  Finally, he asked me out for a date to an aquarium.

I had a nice time for the first few hours and we bought tickets to see a show about endangered sea animals.  It was very eye-opening and educational, and the guide who ran it knew quite a bit.  He mentioned how governments (including our own) weren't doing enough to protect sea creatures and fragile ocean ecosystems.  Afterward, he took questions from the audience.

I raised my hand and asked a devil's advocate question about how the U.S. government could justify spending on protecting endangered species with a bad economy.  He gave an answer about how protecting the environment would create jobs and lead to the development of new technologies.  Fair enough.

Jim raised his hand.  His question was, "The government hasn't been able to address environmental issues since so many resources are devoted to the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.  What are your thoughts on the government's orchestration of 9/11?"

If I could have vanished in a second, I would have.  What the hell does a conspiracy theory have to do with an endangered sea animal show at an aquarium?  I couldn't believe that he'd ask something so ludicrous of someone like an aquarium guide.

The guide attempted to parry the question with, "Well, I'm really not qualified to speak on such things."

Jim continued, "But doesn't it make you mad that the billions of defense dollars being poured into two unjust wars could have gone to marine protection?"

The guide said, "With all respect, sir, I doubt very highly that our government would have devoted billions of dollars to marine ecosystems, much less have the ability to orchestrate 9/11."

Jim finished with, "Well, you just said that you weren't qualified to speak about it, so maybe you should just shut the hell up."

The guide said, "Okay, sir," and took another question from someone else.

I was embarrassed to even be seen with him after that, and I didn't hang out with him anymore.

The Opposite of Smooth

Submitted by Janet:

I had been seeing Anthony for about a month and had introduced him to my family and friends and everything seemed fine.  We seemed to like each other.

One day, he unexpectedly broke up with me.  He said something about us "not being a good fit," and that he wanted to "explore his options."

Exploring his options meant contacting my younger sister, Emily, and asking her out.  Very persistently.  She turned him down, of course.

Over Before it Began

Submitted by Dennis:

Kate was a third grade teacher who I met on the Internet.  On our first date, she announced that she hadn't had an intimate relationship in three years.

"That's rough," I told her.

She said, "I'll probably go three more years without it."

I asked her why and she said that she wasn't actively looking for it.  I said that since she was out dating, then her chances would likely increase.

To that, she said, "Not as long as I'm dating you."

Ouch.  That wasn't nice.  What do you say to that?  I said, "We can stop the date now if you're not having fun."  We were out on a walk and it would have been easy and painless.

She said, "No, no.  Let's do the same old dinner and movie thing.  We're already out and you're probably expecting that.  Let's see if you can win a kiss from me."

I told her, "No thanks.  I think I'm done.  See you around," and went back to my car.

She followed me, shouting, "Hey!  What's your problem, you moron?"

I turned and asked her what the point of continuing a date would be.  She said, "You don't just leave a date like that!  Idiot!"

I said, "It stopped being a date just a couple of seconds ago. I can leave whenever I want."

She shook her head, completely at a loss.  She was able to stutter out, "Y-you're just like the rest of them!"

I said, "So are you," and left her there.

Clubbing with Captain Tactless

Submitted by Sandra:

Drake was a friend of a friend, and we had hung out a lot in groups of mutual acquaintances. One time, we were out at a club when one of my friends took me aside to tell me that Drake had a thing for me.

Drake and I had barely exchanged more than a few sentences to each other, so this sounded odd. Still, I half-hoped that what my friend said was true, because on one hand I thought he was cute, but on the other, I didn't know a thing about him.

Somehow or other I ended up sitting next to him. He didn't say a word to me so I began with, "So Drake, I hear you work in finance?"

He nodded and said, "I tell millionaires what to do with their money. Other than shove it up their butts!"

I was sure that he was trying to be funny, so I pretended to laugh. I asked, "Are you good at it?"

He said, "It's better than sticking their money into strippers' g-strings. Want to dance?"

It took me a second to register what he said, so I was too dazed to say anything other than, "Sure."

We were dancing among dozens of other couples, and he started doing this weird thing with his hands in which he'd interlace his fingers and rock his arms back and forth, like he was slinging a baby around. He leaned close to me and asked, "Can I basket you?"

I asked him, "What do you mean?"

He put one arm between my legs in front and his other arm between my legs from behind, and he linked his fingers together between my legs, but only for a second, because I ripped his hands away like he was an attacking dog.

He shrugged, smiled, and disappeared into the dancing crowd. I rejoined my friends at the table and told them what he was up to. He had a very uncomfortable rest of the night.

Twilight, Twi-Not-So-Bright

Submitted by Edward:

Bella and I had been seeing each other in a celibate relationship for a while.  I'd be away for long stretches of business, but that wouldn't stop her from calling, texting, and whining about her life every single day, even when I was away.

Her texts would read, "Bored and ornery.  When r u coming home?" or "Saw some werewolves today.  Thought of u," or "Hungry?  I have a paper cut that I can keep going for u."

I hadn't been in touch for a day or two when she wrote me a serious-sounding text: "CALL ME, MAN MEAT."

As a friend, I did as she asked.  "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Edward, when you're back from your trip, I want you to turn me into a vampire, just like you."

I growled at her over the phone.  "Bella, we've been over this.  Over and over and over.  In each of these ridiculous, overrated books that people only read because Oprah told them to.  I'd rather bite a sewer rat with the plague.  The black plague."

"My neck is a fat, pulsing, bloody burrito, and you're on a freakin' diet?"

"Bella–"

"I'm a girl with needs, Edward."

"Special needs," I said under my breath.  It was a fatal mistake.

"What?" she yelled, "How dare you!  I'm going to go out and get my neck bitten by the first thing I see!"

"Bella–!"

She hung up.

I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day.  The next day, though, there was a voicemail from her.

"Edward, I couldn't find any other vampires, so I asked all of my human friends, but none of them would bite me.  So I slammed my neck in the door of a washing machine five times.  My neck hurts now and I still miss you.  You can visit me in the hospital when you come back."

I dumped her.  Who'd want to spend eternity with that?

My Non-Prom Date

Submitted by Ned:

Back in high school, I was infatuated with Stacey Jeffries. She was beautiful, fun, and way out of my league. I asked her out once sophomore year and once junior year. She had rejected me outright both times, so I had to be content to simply be without her.

That was until I had the idea to ask her to prom. I had nothing more to lose, and so I asked her, and wouldn't you know it, she said yes! I couldn't believe it. This girl could have had any guy she wanted.

She insisted that I take her prom dress shopping. We must have visited twenty places over the course of a weekend. At each place, she would try on dresses and ask the shopkeepers questions like, "Does it come in blue?" or "I like the cut, but not the design. Can you change the design?" it soon was apparent to me that it was very difficult to pin down what her style was. Dissatisfaction was her style.

Finally, at the eight-millionth place, she found a dress (it looked the same to me as countless ones before) that she liked. She agreed to take it and then asked me to pay for it.

"I'm not paying for it," I said, "It's your prom dress."

"You asked me to the prom. It's a date. You pay," she said.

"I don't think that's how it works," I told her.

"If you don't pay, then I won't go with you," she said.

"If you don't pay, then you won't end up at the prom, since no guy is going to pay for your dress for you."

"Drive me home," she said, "This is over."

I ended up going to the prom with a friend of mine, and she ended up going with some other guy. She tried to rub it in my face the entire time. I felt really bad for her date.

Daddy paid for her dress, though.

Open Jerk Night

Submitted by Jessamyn:

Terrence was in my college literature class. As the only freshmen in the class, we had bonded easily. He seemed like a fun guy, albeit a little socially awkward, so when he asked me out for coffee, I accepted. He picked me up at my dorm and we drove to a coffee shop.

When we arrived, Terrence informed me that it was open mic night and that he was going to share some of his poetry. Although there was indeed a microphone in one corner of the coffee shop, no one was using it.

Terrence bounded up to the microphone and opened a large notebook. He then began to read.

Apparently no one ever took advantage of the shop's open mic night because people seemed alarmed that someone began loudly reading poetry. Of course this might also have been due to the fact that Terrence's “poetry” was so explicit that people were turning red and laughing in embarrassment. I'm no prude and it was making me uncomfortable.

He read fifteen poems before finally returning to our table. He then told me that he was a celebrity among the local poetry community and that his poetic skills were acclaimed around the country. He bragged about himself for almost an hour while I sat in silence, wondering if he could ever be as interested in another person as he was in himself.

I'd had enough of his ego (and his poor writing skills) for one evening and told him that I needed to return home to check on my sick roommate. He agreed to drive me back but said he needed to stop at a friend's place on the way.

After driving for 20 minutes, however, Terrence did not stop at a house. He pulled his car into a small cemetery. It was after dark and seriously creepy.

“Come on!” he shouted, “Let's play hide and seek!” and bounded away from the car. I stood watching as he leaped over tombstones and darted around graves. Suddenly, as he tried to jump a particularly large monument, he tripped and landed on his knee.

When he didn't stand back up, I walked over to see if he was okay. Although it was just a minor scrape, he was crying. I hauled him to his feet and, when he insisted he was too injured to drive, took his keys and drove us back to campus. As I parked the car in front of my dorm, he looked at me with a sly grin and asked, “How about we visit your bed?”

I Know Why the Caged Date Sings

Submitted by TheGripester:

The weirdest date I ever went on was in the early 1980s.  An older co-worker of mine, Laurie, invited me for dinner to meet her family.  She said that I’d really get along with her husband Robert, who had similar interests. Also, her 15-year-old daughter, Jenna, was a budding artist.

Laurie lived in a funky little house under some trees set back from the shore. When I knocked on the door, Robert, who I’d never met, opened it and looked at me. “Yes?” he asked, giving me a reproachful, why-are-you-bothering-me look.

I told him my name. Long silence, no reaction. Finally I said, “Laurie invited me over for dinner.”

His faced changed into a sour expression. “Laurie!” he barked over his shoulder, “Your friend is here!”

During dinner, Laurie tried to work her daughter into the conversation, but whenever Jenna was asked a question, she would would blush and look away, or mutter something inaudible and stare into her plate. Once, I asked her "Which high school do you go to?"

The sullen Robert cut in, "She’s home-schooled," and shot me a hostile, possessive look.

Laurie then told the story of how she and Robert met. Robert had rescued Laurie in the 1960s from a very cloistered life as the teenage daughter of a college professor, and they had run off together to San Francisco. Jenna had been born a year later during the Summer of Love.

At the end of the meal, Laurie suggested that Jenna show me some of her artwork. I followed Jenna to the back of the house, where she had a little workspace dedicated to her paintings.

The paintings were beautiful, but tragic and dark. One pictured a rabbit caught in a snare, another a prisoner in a cell.  It was easy to tell that Jenna was the prisoner in the cell, the rabbit in the trap.

Then it hit me: Jenna and I were about the same ages that Laurie and Robert had been when they ran off together. This whole "friendly dinner" was a setup by Laurie to fix up her lonely, isolated daughter with some older guy.

I got the hell out of there. Something very unhealthy was going on in that family, but there was nothing I could do. And no way would I ever go out with a 15-year-old.

When I met Jenna a few years later, and she seemed very happy and moderately successful as a local painter. Her paintings were a lot more positive - I hope that means that she got out of there, too.

Music, Sweat, and Insecurity

Submitted by Jessica:

Stephen offered to take me to a concert for our first date.  It was a band I had heard a little bit about, but I definitely wanted to go and hear them.

The trouble began when we hit the ticket window.  Stephen only brought enough money for a little over one ticket.  I was certainly able to pay my own way, but when a guy offered to take me out somewhere, I figured that he would be the one treating me.

He tried to put some light on the situation by saying, "It's like a gift to each other."  Whatever.  I don't know you well enough yet to buy you any kind of "gift," dude.

The place was bona fide packed.  There were literally no cracks to squeeze between.  It was a fire hazard with four corners.  My kind of place, actually.  I grabbed Stephen's wrist and pulled us up front.

It was midway through the second song when I noticed that Stephen wasn't so much dancing as much as he was just being jostled by the crowd and giving me a dark kind of look.

Over the music, at the top of my lungs, I screamed, "What's wrong?"

He screamed back, "Nothing!  You have fun!"

What a loaded answer.  Still, I was there for fun and not for games, so fun I had.  Lots of it.

When we left a couple of hours later, I asked him what the problem was.  He said, "I didn't like seeing you dancing that close to other guys."

I cried, "It was impossible to not dance close to people in there!  By your logic, you were dancing really close to other girls.  What do I care?  We're all there to have a good time, and I knew that we were on a date."

He whined, "You could've paid more attention to me."

I said, "We were at a concert.  I was paying attention to the music, the crowd, and you.  If you wanted me to be centered only on you, then we should've done dinner instead."

I'm not into the insecure, so that was it for us.  At least I had a mostly good time and discovered a new band that I didn't know much about before.

Bet on a Bad Date

Submitted by Denise:

Will took me to a casino for a date.  I was doing well at blackjack when I realized that he wasn't with me anymore.  I left the table and looked for him.  When I couldn't find him after a while, I called him up.

"Where are you?" I asked him.

"At the casino," he said.  We were at a place with about four nearby casinos, so that was no help.

He said that he was at the casino that happened to be the furthest away from where we had started.  I asked him how he had made his way all the way over there, and he said that he had bumped into some old friends and decided to follow them there to catch up.  So much for telling me.  So much for our date.

Something to Be Thankful For

Submitted by Richard:

Kelly was a new girlfriend at the time of last year's Thanksgiving.  I invited her to spend it with my family, and she was quiet through most of the meal, until one of my relatives asked her about herself.

During her response, Kelly mentioned that she was a singer.  Some of my younger relatives asked her to sing something, although the older folks warned them not to put her on the spot.

Kelly stood up and belted out a single high note, no song.  She sat back down.  One of my younger relatives said, "Can you sing a song?"

Kelly turned to him and said, "Leave me the hell alone."

No one spoke to her after that, and even I found it hard to continue thinking of her as likable.

Not Gonna Be Startin' Something

Submitted by Stephanie:

Bob offered to take me out to dinner and a nice walk.  I took him up on it and asked me to meet him at his place.

When I arrived, he brought me inside and asked if I wanted to see his animation work.  He showed me a tape of... well... nothing.  It was colors and shapes set to music, but nothing narrative: no plot, no characters; mostly experimentalist work.

After a good twenty minutes, I turned to him and told him that it was good, and that I was ready to go for dinner.

He pointed to the screen and said, "This is the best part!" and I watched as... nothing happened.  More shapes appeared and floated lazily into the other ones.  It was like a lava lamp, but without any of the excitement.  I was being polite and indulgent, but this was becoming silly.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'd love to watch more, but I'm a little hungry."  He turned it off and we went to dinner.

During dinner, he continuously hinted that he wanted to go back to his place afterward to finish watching his animations.  "There's just twenty minutes more," he pleaded, "The ending is so worth it."

"Does a trapezoid come into it?" I joked.  He didn't get it.

We ended up back at his place.  He sat almost as far away from me as he could on his couch and we watched the final twenty minutes of the film.

"Here it comes," he braced me after two triangles flew offscreen.  Then, the screen went black and Michael Jackson's Thriller came on and the words, "MJ FOREVER!" flashed over and over.

Bob turned to me with a big smile.

"That was it?" I asked.

He nodded as if I was crazy for not thinking that it was the greatest masterpiece that I had ever seen.  I said, "It's late, so I think that I'm going to head home.  Thanks for dinner and your... animation."

Horsing Around

Submitted by Sarah:

Tim had the idea to go horseback riding on our first date.  We lived in a pretty urban area, so to find a ranch required a decent drive.  The idea was so unusual that I had to go for it.  I was really looking forward to it.

On the way up, he asked me if I had been riding before.  I told him that I rode a pony once when I was little, but that I didn't really count that as horseback riding.  He said that he rode as often as he could.

We made it to the ranch and took the obligatory lesson with a small group of other riders.  I was assigned Arabelle Whitney, a white mare.  Tim was granted the reins of Colonel Mustard, a chocolate brown stallion.

I easily mounted Arabelle, but Tim, a big guy, had a good amount of trouble with the Colonel.  So much so that his mutters of displeasure soon turned into angry, jerky hand gestures, and he started kicking up a good amount of dirt.

The attendant was helping someone else onto their horse, but noticed what was going on.  She asked Tim to calm down, but Tim couldn't be soothed.

I didn't see, but at one point, he apparently (and hopefully accidentally) kicked the Colonel, and the attendant had him forcibly removed from the premises.

I was already up on Arabelle, and thought that it would be silly to not take her around for at least one quick run.

Tim didn't speak to me for the entire ride home.

Dollars and Nonsense

Submitted by Angela:

Jeffrey made it clear from the get-go that I was so very lucky to be out on a date with him.  He told me that he canceled three other dates to see me on that Friday night.  I asked him why he chose me over them and he said it was because he liked me the most.

We went to see a movie and then hit up an ice cream place.  Every time I asked him what he did for a living, he deflected it by changing the subject and talked about how great he was.

Finally, I pinned him down with, "A guy as great as you must have an amazing job."

He raised his eyebrows suggestively and said, "I live and I love. Isn't that enough?"

I said, "But what do you do for a living?"

He shoved himself away from the table and stood up.  "I should've known that you were one of those women who only cares about money," he spat, then threw a dollar bill down on the table.  He continued, "Here, that's all you'll get out of me," and left the ice cream place.

I didn't like the idea of being paid for my time on a date.  I'm not a hooker.  I knew his address, and so I went there and taped the dollar bill to his door.

Throwing Decorum to the Winds

Submitted by Hunter:

I met Alice on a subway.  We unexpectedly started up a conversation and she gave me her number.

Our date was at a nice restaurant that was built out of a former train station.  The waiter came by and she watched after him.

"Mmm," she said, "Wow, he's hot."

I asked her, "That's a weird kind of thing to say on a date."

Her eyes widened and she said, "This is a date?  I'm sorry!  Forget I said it, okay?"

This was already a bit of a strike against her, but I figured that perhaps it was an honest mistake.  I thought I had made it clear that it was a date, but, well, maybe I didn't.

As dinner continued, she clearly became more and more interested in the waiter.  Finally, when he came with the check and asked if we wanted anything else, she blurted, "Your number," to him.

The waiter gave me a careful look, and I sat back and said, "Go for it.  She won't be getting another date out of me."

The waiter said, "Thanks for your interest, but I'm engaged."

Alice was clearly disappointed.  CHUMP!

My Parents Were My Prom Dates

Submitted by Liz:

I was living in California, and junior prom was falling on my 17th birthday. I was really excited to go with my boyfriend.

On the day of prom, I got all dressed up, was ready to go, than I got a phone call. It was my boyfriend calling to inform me that he no longer wanted to go to prom with me, because of rumors he had heard about me from his sister and her boyfriend.

I said okay, and hung up. I was all dressed up with nowhere to go, so I ended up going to Applebees and Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. In my prom dress. With my parents. On my birthday.

Highness on Herself

Submitted by Roger:

Jane seemed normal enough, but on our third date, she wore a tiara that she said her cousin had bought her.  She requested that I refer to her as "her highness."

I did it a couple of times for novelty's sake, but after that, I referred to her by her proper name.  She'd clear her throat and not stop until I referred to her again as "her highness."

Well, so she was free-spirited.  I could deal.

On the fourth date, she showed up again with the tiara.  Being direct, I asked her why she insisted on wearing it.

She said, "So that people won't forget that I'm a princess."

I thought for a moment and said, "Does that make me your prince?"

She said, "We'll see."

I don't go in much for royalty, especially fake royalty, so that was the last time that I saw her highness.

Not Exactly What I Had in Mind

Submitted by Liz:

A couple of years ago, I had just moved into a new apartment complex, and had met Jake. We started hanging out and we kissed a few times.

I noticed pretty quickly that all he was interested in doing was messing around and watching cartoons. I'm not a needy girl and wasn't looking for anything serious, so it didn't really bother me.  However, I did just want to know where we stood, so one day I asked him what we were.

"Are we dating?" I asked, "Because we've never actually gone on a date."

He just brushed it off, and I dropped it.

A couple of days later, we were hanging out on his couch watching cartoons, and he asked if I was hungry.  I said no, because I had already eaten.  He responded, "Well, I'm hungry, let's go to Carl's Jr."

We went, and I didn't eat anything because of the whole "I'm not hungry" thing. I sat there watching him eat his burger when all of a sudden he looked up at me and said, "There, now you can't say I've never taken you out on a date."

More Stash for Me

Submitted by Joe:

I was on a date with a girl I picked up at a party.  She seemed really cool and laid back.  Then she asked me if I did drugs.

I told her that I did pot occasionally, and she backed away, saying, "I'm training to be a cop.  I don't know if I should arrest you or what, but this date is over."

I went home and lit up to celebrate.

Think Before You Rage

Submitted by Tanya:

Drew picked me up for our date and from the outset was really verbally aggressive and abrasive.  He was obviously upset about something.  I had gotten to know him online (if one can truly know someone online) but he had always seemed personable and friendly.

I asked him if everything was all right.  He snapped, "Everything's fine!  Nothing's wrong!"

I don't like games.  If there's something you're angry about, then either deal with it, skate it off, or talk about it.  Being a fuming mess on a date doesn't help anybody.

Dinner was the most uncomfortable, awkward thing that I can ever remember.  I still get chills thinking about it.  He barely looked at me the whole time, and when he did, it was as if he was really going to tear me limb from limb.  I had to ask him, "Did I do something wrong?  Please just talk to me."

He didn't respond.  After a dinner that seemed to last five hours, I was afraid to ask him to drive me home.  I had friends in that part of town and I told him that I'd probably go to see them.

Then, he said, "Going to mess around with them?"

Wow.  I asked, "What are you talking about?"

He said, "I found your blog.  You wrote about messing around with guys."

I said, "I don't have a blog."  This is the truth.  I don't keep a blog.

"Don't pull that.  I found your blog and you wrote about messing around with guys."

"But I don't have a blog.  Are you even listening?  It must have been another Tanya.  Did you think about that?"

"I'm pretty sure it was yours."

What I wanted to say was, "I'm pretty sure that you're a major idiot.  Never talk to me again," but he seemed a moment away from snapping, so what I really said was, "I don't keep a blog.  You'll probably want to double-check who the writer is.  Maybe we could try this again soon.  Don't worry about it.  Good night."

That night he sent me a long, rambling, interminable e-mail about how he discovered that it was in fact another Tanya's blog, how sorry he was, how he had been burned before by women (who had messed around with guys in the past?), etc.  The guy was a total psycho.

Success Is a Dish Best Served Cold

Submitted by Tina:

Paul and I were on a date, sitting at a cafe on a beautiful night.  He ran a small consulting business and was very obviously proud of it.  He talked quite a bit about his success and didn't seem all that interested in me.

At one point, he asked me what I did, and I reminded him (for the third time) that I was a teacher.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, "How does it pay?"

I said, "Well enough for me to support myself."

He said, "But not all that well.  I mean, you're still out looking for a guy and his support."

This was seriously offensive, but I was up to the task.  I said, "Your money obviously isn't enough to buy you love.  You're still out dating, too."

In response, he pulled out his wallet, took out a small stack of $100 bills, and fanned them right in my face.  He chuckled and put them back into his wallet.  He said, "I guarantee that you like me just a little bit more, now."

"The opposite, actually.  I think that I'm going to head home."

I stood up and so did he, suddenly aware that he wasn't in control anymore.  He said, "Sit back down."

I said, "No.  I think I'm done here."

He smiled and said, "How are you going to get home?  I drove us here."

I smiled back and replied, "I'm successful enough to have friends who'll come and pick me up, and I'm also successful enough for a taxi.  I don't really need you for anything."

He had nothing to say to that.

Candy is Dandy, But Liquor Is Quicker

Submitted by Nick:

I took Lauren out to a movie.  She ordered up the biggest bucket of popcorn and told me that we could split it.

Halfway through the movie, she had eaten the entire bucket herself.  When I told her that I thought we were splitting it, she said, "I don't know what's wrong with me today.  I'm just really hungry."

She then asked me to go and buy her a pack of Swedish Fish and a pack of Sno-Caps.  Lauren wasn't fat by any stretch, but this was alarming.  I left the theater and bought her a pack of Swedish Fish and a pack of Reese's Pieces, as they didn't seem to have Sno-Caps that day.

When I returned and handed her the candy, she hissed, "Where are my Sno-Caps?"

I told her that they didn't have them.  She threw the bag of Reese's on my lap and said, "You can eat these.  I don't want them."

I told her that I didn't want them either, and then she said, "Well, I'm not about to waste them.  You'll have to eat them or I will."

"Go ahead, then."

So she ate the Swedish Fish and Reese's and whispered the whole time things like, "I hate Reese's," and "Why did you have to buy Reese's?"

Towards the end of the film, she said, "I'm going to puke, and it's all because of your Reese's!"

I was going to puke too, but for a different reason.  I couldn't wait for this date to be over.

A Sleepy Panda

Submitted by Frank:

I met Gina online. For our date, we met up at a small pub. We both ordered and made chit-chat. I asked her what she did with her life and she said, "Nothing."

I pushed a bit harder. "Are you a student or do you work or what?"

"I don't know. I just sort of hang out in the house... I go out sometimes, like to concerts."

Okay, so what's a little apathy?

Or a lot. After dinner, I asked her what she wanted to do. Coffee? Bowling? Blood wrestling?

She said, "I don't know. I'm kind of tired. Do you like pandas?"

I do, but was a strange thing to ask. She went on, "Because I thought that I'd go to work, you know, for one of those save the panda charities. How would I get a job there?"

"You got me.  Call them and ask them if they have any openings?"

We were having this conversation while walking, and then she sat down on a bench. She said, "Man, I'm tired. So tell me more about it?"

"About what? Panda charities?"

"Mmm."

She stretched out on the bench and made as if to sleep, right there. I asked her what she was doing.

"Taking a rest."

She nodded off. I couldn't believe it. I gently shook her and she said, "Do you know how I can join up one of those panda things?"

I told her that I didn't. She rolled over and said, "Good night, then." it was seven in the evening.

Eventually, I convinced her to head home. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced.

What Are Friends Worth?

Submitted by Carol:

Casey and I had been dating for a few weeks when the exclusivity talk came up. I really liked him and he really appeared to like me.

Now, I had a few platonic guy friends- James, Liam, Peter - who I would hang out with fairly regularly. Again, these were just friends. Sometimes, when Casey would ask me what I had been up to, and I had hung out with one of them, I would tell him. You know, honesty and all that.

So when Casey and I sat down to talk about bringing the relationship to the next level, he brought them up: "What about your guy friends? James, Liam, Peter...?"

"What about them?"

"Well, if we're going exclusive then... you know."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to have to hang out with them less.  If at all."

Possessive guy alert!  I tried telling Casey that they were just friends, and then pulled out the examples of his own female friends.  Would he be saying goodbye to them as well?

"Probably," he said.

"Really?  You'd just cast their friendships aside?"

"For you?  Of course.  You're worth more to me than that."

"You have a weird definition of friendship.  And what if one day you meet someone who's worth more to you than me?  Could I expect the same treatment?"

We didn't end up going exclusive, and for that, I'm glad.  He's actually married now, and I sometimes wonder if his current wife give up her friends for him.  I hope not.

The Ex-Boyfriend in the Room

Submitted by Jonathan:

Out to dinner with Tracy, we talked more about he ex-boyfriend than we did about either of us. She mentioned what he did for a living, what his family was like, how he treated her during the breakup, etc.

I did my very best to change the subject. I tried asking her more about herself, but she always found a way to bring up her ex.

Did I mention that they had broken up three years ago?

After dinner, she said that she wanted to visit a covered bridge in town. It was still warm out and I thought it a nice idea. Anything to get her mind off her ex.

We made it there, and she grabbed my hand tight, telling me that it was where he had proposed to her but she had turned him down. She then asked me if I had any big regrets.

The first one that came to mind was, "This date," but I couldn't think of any others. She wasn't mean, and I'm sure that she wasn't doing it on purpose, but her ex-boyfriend seemed to play a bigger role on the date than either of us. That was therefore our first and last date.

Hide and Seek and Destroy

Submitted by Eric:

Towards the end of my date with Jennifer, I decided that I wasn't too interested in her.  She was kind of immature and was a bit too self-absorbed for me.  I didn't see harm in some fun, so we ended up back at her place, on her living room couch.

After a while, I was tired and wanted to head home, and I told her so. She didn't like the idea and wanted me to stay.  I really didn't.  That's when she grabbed my wallet and ran upstairs with it.  I chased after her and caught up just as she closed and locked the door to her room behind her.

"Give me my wallet back," I demanded.

"Promise that you'll stay longer," she said.

I said, "Fine.  I'll stay longer.  I promise.  I was just a little tired, but I don't think there's anything wrong with cuddling for a little while longer.  You're just making yourself very unattractive to me by taking my wallet and running off with it."

She unlocked her door and opened it.  I walked in and asked where my wallet was.  She said that she'd give it back to me at the end of the night.  I grabbed an old-looking stuffed animal dog off of her bed and she screamed, telling me to give it back. I told her that I'd trade it for my wallet.

She opened her night table drawer and handed me my wallet, I dropped the stuffed animal back on her bed, and headed out.  Better things to do with my time than play stupid games.

I Created a Wrestler

Submitted by Nikki:

Daniel was a nice, straight-edge guy I had met through mutual friends the summer I was 19. We had been dating for about a month when he told me that he had a “surprise-filled date” for me.

He picked me up and asked if it was okay to blindfold me, as he didn’t want me to guess the location of the date. I knew him well enough to trust him, so I said sure.

We ended up at his place, where he had set up a picnic table in the backyard, complete with my favorite flowers, my favorite dinner, and a 96-count box of Crayola crayons, which had been my favorite toy as a kid.  He said that he had read my LiveJournal in its entirety so that he could learn more about me. I was a little creeped out by that, as I had been keeping that journal for over two years and there were close to 1000 entries in it, but I shrugged it off as him being over-eager.

He brought me inside and led me to his room.  From floor to ceiling, on three walls, he had plastered computer print-outs of anime girls in suggestive positions. I’m all for letting people express their kinks, but I found it incredibly disturbing to see Missy from Pokemon and Sailor Moon in ways I had never imagined (or wanted to imagine) them. I quickly suggested we go downstairs to the living room and watch a movie or something.

We started fooling around when he pulled out a pair of soft kitty ears, like you would wear for a Halloween costume. “Would you wear these?” he asked. Okay, weird, but hey, catgirls were all the rage at Hot Topic, so maybe this was just some harmless thing, right? Then he asked me to purr. Then he told me he was falling in love with me. I told him that the purring was a little too much for me.

The whole way home, he talked about the “storylines” he created for his backyard wrestling league. I found it all to be a bit dorkier than I could stand, so I broke up with him a few days later, saying that he was really sweet, but that I just didn’t see the relationship going anywhere.

He told our mutual friends that I was a “dirty hussy” who “ruined [his] ideals of romantic love, so what was the point of being straight-edge anymore?” He then started drinking heavily and smoking weed. I hear he’s now an amateur wrestler in a WWE-style league whose signature move is to hit people with a “Slippery When Wet” sign when they’re not looking. My taste in men has, thankfully, significantly improved since then.

One of Those Days

Submitted by Ana:

Jake was a single dad I met online. He asked me out and seemed on the level. He sent me pictures of his two-year-old son, David, and I liked what I heard.

Jake asked me to meet him at his house. I knocked on the front door and I heard him shout, "Come in!" from somewhere in the house.

I opened the door to see little David, pantless, squatting over a white runner, and going to the bathroom all over it.

"Oh my god!" I shouted, and when Jake came into the room, he was angry at me.

"What did you do to him?" he demanded, "He never does this!"

I didn't do anything, but I couldn't say anything, at a loss for words. He scooped his poop-caked son up into his arms and said, "Now the carpet's ruined!"

He disappeared into the house with David, leaving me alone, so I left.

My Inner Child Has the Day Off

Submitted by Kimberly:

Ed invited me out to a picnic by a river. It was a good idea, and I went for it.

He spread out a blanket and we ate. It really was a beautiful day. Somehow or other we got onto the topic of childhood. He'd say things like, "Sometimes I just want to jump in a big pile of leaves," or "Sometimes I just want to draw on the walls." I thought it charming.

It went in a different direction when he asked, "Do you want to do something fun and spontaneous and childlike right now?"

I said, "Sure," wondering what he had in mind.

He said, "Let's go skinny dipping!" and proceeded to remove all of his clothes.

I thought that this was a bad idea, you know, the whole naked-on-a-first-date-in-the-middle-of-a-river-with-a-guy-I-had-just-met thing.

I suggested, "Maybe we could do something else, like go run in a field or play in a toy store."

But he was already in the required skinny-dipping outfit and held out his hand to me, as if to pull me to join him. I told him, "I'm not doing that with you on a first date. I'm sorry."

He seemed a little sad by this and put his clothes back on. We made very awkward small talk as we packed up the picnic and we both drove home, having arrived in separate cars.

How Long Does it Take to Wash Your Hair?

Submitted by Kevin:

Alana and I had a mutual friend who had set us up.  I went to Alana's house to pick her up and called her when I was at her front door.  "Be down in a minute," she said.

Fifteen minutes later, I called her back up to make sure that everything was okay.  She said, "Yeah.  Down in a minute."

This next time, I waited twenty minutes.  I tried her again.  "I said I'd be right down," she said.  I asked her if she was going to be another half-hour, because I was a little tired of waiting.

She said that we should probably postpone because she had things to do.  That was pretty nervy, but there was nothing I could really do.  My only guess is that she must have peeked out of a window somewhere and summed me up in a moment.  A total lack of courtesy, and I wasn't going to waste any more time with someone like that.

Something's Fishy

Submitted by Daniel:

I asked Jean out from an Internet dating site and when we first met there was a weird fishy smell.  I thought that maybe it was just the part of the city we were in, but it didn't go away as we walked around, or when we sat down to dinner.  It was driving me nuts.

When she went to the bathroom during dinner, the smell went away a bit, so I guessed that it was coming from her.

Sure enough, the smell followed us out of the restaurant and into the night.  I think it was getting worse and worse as the night went on.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.  I asked her if she smelled it.  She told me that she went out for seafood lunch earlier that day and that it could have been from that.  She then insisted that it wasn't her nether regions. I was surprised that she said that.  I told her that I never said that it was, even though I was thinking it.

She was nice, but every time I thought of her afterward, that smell came to mind, and I just couldn't ask her out again.

Spaghetti-Lap the Stalker

Submitted by Sarah:

I met Wes my freshman year of college.  He asked me out and when he picked me up at my dorm his truck died.  After waiting 15 minutes for Wes to pop the hood and rub two wires together to start the truck, we finally left for dinner.

Conversation was horrible and I just wanted out of there.  Then Wes accidentally dumped his spaghetti into his lap. 

Determined to still make a go of it, he said that he wanted to take me to a movie.  Now, being a broke college student, I thought at least I could get a free movie out of it, so I agreed.

During the movie, which was not romantic at all, he kept trying to put his arm around me and hold my hand.  I kept leaning the other direction, hoping that he would take the hint.

Afterwards, the truck died once more, forcing me to sit in the freezing cold for 30 minutes while he rubbed the wires together again.  It was an incredibly awkward date and I had never been so happy to get home.

Two days later, I was talking to my mother on the phone when she asked about my date with Wes.  I hadn't told her about it, so I asked her how she knew.  Apparently, Wes had a friend in his fraternity from my hometown and had spent the past two days learning everything about me including my family's name and number, my entire class schedule, the car I drove, and who I usually hung out with.  Can we say creepy?  Suffice it to say, I didn't walk around by myself for months after that date.

Clowning Around

Submitted by Susan:

Gary and I worked in an office together and when he asked me out for drinks after work on a Friday one time, I didn't see any harm in it.  We were acquaintances, and though he seemed nice, I didn't know very much about him

While Gary inhaled beer after beer, I nursed my gin and tonic.  I asked him all sorts of things about himself, but he didn't ask me me one thing.  When I did volunteer information, it was as if he didn't care at all.  Something must have been more interesting at the bottom of his beer glass, I guess.

On our way out of the bar, he was somehow able to hold it together enough to ask me if I wanted to go back to his place to watch a movie.  "I live alone," he said.  I told him that I might need to leave partway through, as I was tired.

His apartment was wallpapered, and I do mean wallpapered, floor-to-ceiling, with posters of scantily-clad women in clown makeup.

I turned to him, smiled, and said, "I'd love to hear the explanation for this."

He pushed past me to put a DVD into his player and said, "They're my roommate's."

I was going to point out that he had earlier told me that he lived alone, but the next thing I knew, there we were, on his couch, watching a Japanese horror film, and surrounded by dozens of clown ladies.  Not exactly how I had pictured my Friday evening.

If it hadn't already creeped me out, it began to when he started mimicking the killings onscreen.  Like when someone's head was cut off, he made like to pantomime my own head being cut off.  When someone was gutted, he made as if to karate chop my chest and then drew it down slowly.

Finally, he turned to me and said, "You ready?"

"I sure am."

I up and left at that moment, faster than I think he was able to realize that something had happened in the first place.  It was a little weird at work after that, but definitely more for him than for me.

Party of Two

Submitted by Jessica:
 
I met Rick at my friend's engagement party and he seemed like a nice guy so I agreed to be set up with him. The first date was great.  I felt like we had really clicked and so did he, so we organized to go out again the next night.

The date started out as great as the previous one, and he suggested that we stop by a mate's party. I was having fun so I agreed. We drove for ages and ended up on the other side of the city.  The house with the "party" was empty.  No one was home, but he quickly made himself at home by smoking and getting himself a beer. I stood in stunned silence as he pulled a mattress from a side room and placed it on the floor.

I sat on the couch, but he kept gesturing for me to move onto the mattress. I eventually moved down and sat on the edge and the next thing I knew he was massaging my knee. I pushed him away and moved to the couch only for him to follow me and try again.  It was terrifying!

He ended up passing out on the mattress and I slept on the couch as:

1) He was in no state to drive me home
2) I didnt have my car with me and
3) I didnt know where I was for anyone to come and get me.

The drive home the next morning was the most awkward hour of my life.  As I got out of the car he had the nerve to ask, "Can I call you again sometime?"

Next Time, Leave Your Dead Relatives at Home

Janet seemed really cool over the Internet and over the phone, so I decided to take her out.  We were at dinner and having a pretty good conversation when somehow or other we came upon the topic of dead relatives.

She told me that she had been particularly attached to a late aunt and a late great uncle.  She told me about them and finished with, "But it's okay because they're still here."

I'm not religious, but I'm fine with people who are.  I asked her, "You mean, watching over us, from Heaven?"

She said, "No.  They're here.  As in, right here.  Next to me.  I can see them."

I didn't know what to say to this, so I asked her to explain.  She went on to say that not only could she see them, but that she could also speak with them and have a conversation.  Then, she offered to demonstrate.

She asked her aunt, who was sitting immediately to her left, what her aunt thought of me.  After a moment, Janet turned to me and said, "Angela thinks that you're very nice, but that you're hiding something important."

I asked her, "What does your uncle say?"

She turned to her great uncle, who was sitting next to her aunt, and turned back to me and said, "He says that you're a nice boy but that I should be careful with you."

It gets better than this.  Her dead aunt and great uncle had a lot to say as the evening went on.

We were walking after dinner when Janet stopped walking and asked, "What?" as if someone invisible had called to her.  She turned to me and said, "Aunt Angela has a good idea.  She thinks that we should get ice cream.  Do you want to?"

So we went for ice cream.  While we were sitting down, she turned to her left and asked, "What's so funny?"  Then she turned to me and said, "Uncle Elliot was laughing at something funny you did in eighth grade."

I asked her, "What in particular?"

She looked at Uncle Elliot and then turned back to me.  "Something involving a chair."

I raised an eyebrow.  "Can Uncle Elliot be more specific?"

She said, "I don't know.  Sometimes he fades in and out and I can't hear him all that well."

I leaned forward and asked, "Sort of like imagination?"

She shook her head.  "Believe me, they're real."

"Oh, I believe you."

There's more to it, but I'll stop at this point.  Suffice it to say, after we said our goodnights, I consulted my own dead relatives for their thoughts on her.  They told me not to pursue her, and I always listen to their advice.

Unhappy Birthday to Me

Submitted by Veronica:

Tim and I had been dating for over two years when this epic date occurred.  I naively told him that for my birthday, I wanted him to take me on a date.  The plan was simple: the standard dinner-and-a-movie evening.  He would pick the dinner, I would pick the movie, but the evening was supposed to be about me.

He took me to a sushi restaurant and we got a cocktail as we waited for our dinner.  He recognized someone through the window, going by on the street, and started talking shop with them for about a half hour, never once introducing me.

After his friend left us and we completed our dinner, the check came and he asked me for some money to cover the bill.  Suppressing the rage that threatened to spill over, I forked over the cash.  Determined to enjoy my "birthday date," I tried to shake it off and looked forward to the movie.

Once at the theater, I made him pay for both tickets.  We took our seats and waited for the movie to begin.  As we sat there, he complained about the size of the screen, the people in front of us, the sound quality, the smell of the theater, etc.

After about 10 minutes of this tirade, he turned to me and said that we should get his money back and leave.  Now I was pissed.  There was no way I was going to enjoy any movie and the night was turning out to be a disaster.

We walked out of the theater and he grabbed my hand.  "It's a lovely night, why don't we just walk a bit," he said.  I agreed and we did some window shopping.

We stepped into a shoe store and browsed.  Next thing I knew, he bought a pair of shoes.  Luckily, he had cash from my share of dinner and the movie we left!  At this point, I was finished with the saddest excuse for a date ever and asked him to take me home. 

We then embarked on a 30-minute hunt for the car because he couldn't remember where he parked.  By the time we spotted the car, my feet hurt, I was utterly disappointed, and I wanted to go home.  He quickened his pace and ran up ahead of me.  My heart leaped as I thought that he was going to try for one last-ditch date gesture.  He was going to open my door for me, like a gentleman.  Hooray!  I quickly forgave the entire evening based on this one little gesture.

As he reached the car, he opened the trunk, lovingly put down his newly-purchased shoes, then got in the car.  I got to the passenger side door and struggled with the handle.

He had forgotten to unlock it.

It's Not Worth Waiting a Year for Some Things

Submitted by Stephanie:

I met Brad online. He and I talked almost a year before we decided to actually meet up, mostly because I was hesitant meeting guys online.  I finally agreed to let him take me on a date at a local pub.

First off he called me as I was arriving at the bar saying that he might have to cancel because he had a lot of homework. I told him that I was already there and that he'd better show up.

When he finally showed up, I didn't even recognize him from the pictures he sent me because they were at least three years old and he had practically doubled in size since then.  Second, he was wearing Crocs and sweatpants.  I wasn't aware that that was first date attire.

I was already irritated, and to top it all off he was completely rude in person.  He mocked everything from my height (I'm only 5'2) to my small hands and feet.

Just when I'd had enough and was going to tell him I was leaving he asked, "Hey want to go back to my house for drinks and more?"

What?!  I declined, saying that I had forgotten about some other plans to which he responded, "Ah, it's probably better that way.  My wife will be home soon anyway."

I turned and walked out without saying a word to him.  On my way home he texted me, "Hey that was fun.  We should go out again."  Don't think so buddy.

Seeing Stars

Submitted by Miranda:

Nick took me out stargazing. He set out a blanket and we stretched out on our backs. He pointed out several constellations and I asked him if he could see the big dipper.

"I'll show you a big dipper," he replied, and pushed close against me.

I pushed him away and stood up. "Take me home now," I told him.

"What the heck?" he asked as if he hadn't just tried to overpower me. Was this guy really that much of an idiot?

Nevertheless, he rolled up the blanket and drove me home.

The big dipper got its butt handed to it that night.

The Date Was a Hit!

Submitted by Drew:

Mandy offered to drive and picked me up for our date. On our way downtown, she hit a squirrel.

She stopped the car short, said, "Oh my god!" and pulled over. She ran out of the car and over to the squirrel, whose tail was flailing about on the pavement.

Mandy bent over it and looked at me with tears in her eyes. "What do we do?"

It looked hurt pretty bad, and there really wasn't much that we could do. I told her that I didn't know what to do, and that it was probably not going to last long.

"You're a monster!" she said, "I'm not going to give up on him."

She picked it up with her bare hands and put in on a towel that she got from her trunk. She told me to call the city's animal control unit.

I didn't know the city animal control unit's number offhand, so I suggested that we find an all-night vet.

She had me drive around for about an hour until we found a place and dropped it off. She apologized for how she had acted, and then asked to raincheck the date.

I told her that I wasn't interested. What if she hit a chipmunk next time?

But the Movie Was Excellent

Submitted by Maggie:

I met Patrick while tailgating at a college football game.  His older brother was a good friend of my sister's and he was kind of cute.  My sister eventually gave me his e-mail and we emailed for a little bit.  Then, it turned into talking on the phone and him helping me with some homework. 

We decided to go to see a movie in an older, rundown movie theater because the newer theater in town was packed.  He started off by putting his arm around me.  Well, okay, that's good for a first date.

He then started whispering all kinds of suggestive things to me that made me pretty uncomfortable.

I didn't respond to anything he said.  At one point he attempted to slide a hand into a forbidden zone.  After failing in the quest, thanks to my super tight jeans and unwillingness, he gave up.

He then whispered, "I love you," into my hair.  Again, I didn't respond.  He said again, "I love you."  I ignored him again.

He then reached his hand over to again touch me in an inappropriate place. I pushed his hand off and returned to the movie.  This all occurred within the first thirty minutes of the movie.

The ride back to my car was uncomfortable.  He asked me several times what was wrong, as I was not saying anything to him.  I never called him again.

Women's Glib

Submitted by Adrian:

Erica sat in front of me in my economics class. The back of her head distracted me out of many lectures, and thought that the front of her head was similarly lovely. I asked her out for a Friday night.

She didn't say more than a sentence for the first hour that we were together. I had known some inhibited girls, bit this was a bit extreme. It was as if she was taking part in a dare to see how few words she could say to me.

I knew that all I had to do was engage her, so I picked the one thing that we both had in common: economics class. This opened her up, and she started in on how we didn't have any female teaching fellows.

I told her that I hadn't even noticed, but she took out her soapbox and stood on it. The rest of the date was her taking out what seemed to be years of frustrations for women on me. I sympathized with her words, but this didn't seem like the proper forum in which to be discussing them.

I'll never forget, after I dropped her off back at her place, she said, "I hope that I gave you something to think about. Maybe you'll treat women better from now on."

I retorted, "I will, cupcake."

She didn't like that, but I wasn't planning to call her again anyway.

Not the Droid I Was Looking For

Submitted by Margaret:

I've always been a Star Wars nut, so when my friend Phil invited me over for Star Wars and wine, how could I refuse?

Phil was a nice guy and I was a bit attracted to him, so I wondered if he would try anything that evening.

He did. After a couple of glasses of wine, he kissed me, then pulled away and told me to wait a moment. He left the room.

He came back with a lightsaber in each hand, screaming like a banshee and swinging them at me like he meant to murder me. One of them even hit me!

I screamed and ran out of his house. He called me up right afterward and I told him that I didn't like feeling physically threatened. The Force was not strong with this one.

Have a Ball

Submitted by Callie:

Ryan took me out to a driving range and we bought a bucket of balls to hit.  Early in the session, he pointed to a target at the 250-yard mark. "Watch me hit it," he said.

He kept trying to hit it but kept falling short. My being impressed with him didn't hinge on his making of the shot and I told him so, but that didn't stop him from hitting ball after ball, harder and harder.

He got more and more angry as he kept missing, and grumbled under his breath with each new shot. He was spouting curses when I finally asked him to calm down.

He snapped at me and told me that he would hit it no matter what. He had done it before, he said.

I didn't doubt it, but I was getting hungry and was out of golf balls. He ordered another bucket and I told him that I wanted to go.

Eventually, he did hit the target and turned to me in triumph. I hope it was worth it, because I wasn't impressed with him anymore and didn't go out with him again.

Cruisin' for Chicks

Submitted by Arianna:

I was a college student in Manhattan when Clark asked me out.  I was expecting dinner, maybe dessert, maybe a walk, maybe something date-like.  Clearly, these options were the furthest thing from Clark's mind.

He picked me up outside of my dorm and told me that we were going to look for chicks.

"As in women?" I asked.

"No," he said, "As in baby chickens.  There must be one somewhere in Manhattan, and we're going to find it."

I thought he was joking, and I remember saying, "Maybe the meat-packing district."

He thought that this was a great idea and up we went to the meat-packing district.  I still couldn't believe that we were actually doing this, and I asked him if we'd be able to fit in time for dinner.

He said, "Wait a sec," and disappeared inside of a meat-packing place.  I was going to warn him against going in, but he was already gone.

A half-hour later, he hadn't come back out.  I tried calling him, but he didn't answer.  I left and never heard from him again.  It's too bad, as it was actually a fun sort of adventure.  I hope he found the chick he was looking for.

I Was the Third Wheel on My Own Date

Submitted by Joe:

My date with Jennifer was all perfectly planned.  We had agreed to meet at a coffee place and then move on from there.

I showed up and Jennifer was already there... with someone else.  Another girl.  Jennifer turned to me and told me that it was her friend Alyssa, and that she was coming along with us.

I said, "So this isn't a date, then?"

She said, "It still can be!"

I said, "Uh... no it can't."

She said, "Well, she's my friend and she's coming along."

I said, "If she's coming, then it's not a date.  We're just three friends who are hanging out."

"She's my friend and I'm not telling her to leave."

Alyssa piped up, "I can leave."

Jennifer raised her voice slightly and said, "No, Alyssa.  You stay.  I don't see what the issue is here.  I want her to come along."

I said, "That's fine.  Then it's not a date."

"Fine!"

Anyway, it ended about fifteen minutes later when they both went to go see a movie that I didn't want to see.

Open Doors, Closed Mouths

Submitted by Julie:

I met Robert at church when I was 16.  Our first date was uncomfortable and awkward. He picked me up and insisted on opening my car door for me to the point of being overbearing. When we arrived at the restaurant, he made me sit in the car and wait for him to come around and open my door again.

I would insist, “No, really, it's okay–”

He would talk over me, “No! A man opens doors for a lady.”

When we got to the entrance of the restaurant, I was slightly ahead of him and opened the door for him, standing aside to let him through first. The look on his face was extremely disappointed bordering on angry, and not for the first time that evening, I experienced a little twinge of foreboding.

After dinner, I continued to break his “no doors” rule and he got progressively more tense. He drove me back home and walked me to the door. As terribly as the date had gone, I still found him really attractive, so I leaned up to give him a quick goodnight kiss. Just a peck. He looked uncomfortable before leaving.

The next day I heard from a mutual friend that Robert had found the kiss “too forward” and I was “too fast” for him. I'm guessing his speed is lost somewhere in he 1950s. Being a modern kind of gal, I broke up with him after less than a week.

An Evil Petting Zoo

Submitted by Audrey:

John took me to a petting zoo for a first date. He pointed at one of the pigs and told me that it looked like me. I figured he was kidding and when we reached the cows, I told him that their smell reminded me of him.

That got him mad. Like serious, non-kidding mad. "I use Old Spice!" he repeated over and over! "I use Old Spice!"

I told him that I was kidding, just like he was about me looking like one of the pigs. He said, "But I wasn't kidding about that."

I asked him if he was meaning to be a moron on purpose. He got mad again and replied, "I use Old Spice."

I hope that no one else ever meets up with this guy.

A Nail-Biting Good Time

Submitted by Todd:

In college I worked at a sandwich place, and one of my coworkers there, Cindy, was smokin' hot.  I asked her out to dinner and a local play.  She was down with it.

The thing about Cindy is that she drummed her fingers CONSTANTLY.  I must have never noticed before, but on the date, she was doing it NON-STOP on the table, in the car, probably even on the nearby walls.

She was probably nervous, and I wanted to make her more comfortable (and make her stop that infernal finger-drumming) so I reached across the table and said, "Hey, relax.  It's okay."

She said, "It's not okay.  I know what you're expecting.  You're expecting what all guys expect."

"What all guys expect?"

"Yes.  You're going to want it from me and you can't have it."

She went back to drumming her fingers.  She bit the nails of her other hand.  I said to her that it was okay, that we could stay friends and that I wasn't expecting anything.

She then asked if I had already imagined us as a couple. I didn't want to make her any more uncomfortable so I told her that I hadn't.  Then, as a joke, I added (but probably shouldn't have), "Well, until you mentioned it just now."

She stopped drumming on the table and bit her nails even more furiously.  I leaned back and said, "Let's just enjoy dinner, and then we'll be done.  Sound good?"

She shrugged, but for me, that was as good as a yes.

Pity. That Was a Good Electronics Store.

Submitted by Eric:

Carly was a retail worker in a video/electronics store at the local mall.  We talked a lot whenever I went in there and I finally got the nerve to ask her out.

At dinner, she asked me all sorts of questions.  Questions like, "Do you have a lot of friends?"  "How many of them are girls?"  "Do you hang out with them a lot?"  "Are you really close with them?"

I've been in enough possessive relationships to know one when I see one, so I told her that her questions were sounding a little possessive.  She acted very offended and changed the subject.  Still, ten minutes later, we were back on the subject of my female friends and former girlfriends.

I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  She said that if we were going to date then she had every right to know.  I told her that she had every right to know once we had decided to date, not go on just one outing together.  This shut her up for a little bit and the topic changed once more.

When we were done with dinner and out for a walk to a cafe, she brought it up again.  "How many girls have you dated? Just tell me that."

I stopped walking and said, "All that you need to know is that you will never be one of them."

That shut her up for the rest of the "date" and that was that.  It would be weird to go into the electronics store after that, though, so I found another one.

A Long Way to Go for a Loser

Submitted by Kate:

Kyle and I had known each other for years while we both lived in the same small tourist town.  I was married at the time, and he was recently divorced; Kyle frequented my business and we had some great conversations about books, music, art, politics and life.  Eventually my husband and I moved to another state where we split up.

Kyle and I had stayed in random touch via e-mail, and at one point (after my divorce), Kyle admitted to having been attracted to me when we'd lived in the same town.  I admitted the same, and so began our brief but intense long-distance flirtation.

Soon we were talking every night on the phone, and Kyle began asking me to come stay with him for the weekend. He described having wine by the fire, romantic walks on the beach and dinner at a fantastic ocean-view restaurant.  He lived, however, 9 hours away by car, or a short flight plus a two hour drive form the nearest airport.  We agreed that I should fly and he said he'd come to the city and pick me up at the airport.

Red flag number one: when it came time to actually purchase the plane ticket, he said "Well, you probably make more money than I do right now..."  Because he was a struggling writer, I let that slide and paid for the ticket myself.  I'm a working woman; why make the man pay for everything?

Red flag number two: Two days before the trip, he called to say that he wouldn't be able to pick me up after all; could I just rent a car and drive over?  Okay, why make him drive 4 hours round trip, right?

Red flag number three: The restaurant he'd promised to take me to was mysteriously closed on a Friday night, so we ended up in a dingy little sports bar with greasy food and awful beer.  Kyle did a terrible job of pretending NOT to watch the football game on the big-screen television over my right shoulder, just barely managing a conversation.

Red flag number four:  As we left his house the next morning to head to the beach, Kyle backed into my rental car, which I'd parked the night before (as he watched) off to the side of his driveway.  After putting a nice big dent in the side of the car, he said "Why did you park it there?  Nobody ever parks there!"

We went on a fairly silent and obviously tense walk, but as soon as we got back to his house, I grabbed my bag and said "You know, I think I'm just going to go home today."  He seemed genuinely surprised and offered me an autographed copy of his latest book.  "No thanks," I said.

Watching him grow smaller in my rear-view mirror was the best part of that "date."

Oh and no, he did not offer to pay (or even help pay) for the repair to the rental car he'd rammed.  Loser.

I Don't Want to Talk about It

Submitted by Angie:

Martin and I were out at dinner. I thought that everything was going well. At one point, he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, he hadn't returned. I tried his cell, and there was no answer.

I waited for another ten minutes when I asked a male waiter to check up on him. The waiter came by and told me that the bathroom was empty.

I decided to wait a little bit longer when Martin came back. He had been gone for almost forty minutes. I asked him where he went, and he told me that he got a call from his ex and didn't want to talk about it.

I asked him why he couldn't have told her that he was busy and couldn't talk. He said again that he didn't want to talk about it.

When he called me a few days later to set up a second date, I told him that I wasn't up for it. He asked me why, and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it.

Don't Hate on the Homeless

Submitted by Marcus:

On our first date, Annie and I had a decent dinner and then took a walk in the park at dusk.  Everything was fine until we passed a homeless guy.  He asked for some change and we ignored him, but then he said something under his breath, something that sounded like, "Stupid idiot," or similar.

I was ready to ignore this as well, but Annie wasn't.  She turned around and demanded that he repeat what he said.  The two ended up in a shouting match, and when he tried to leave, Annie actually followed him.

I tried to stop her, telling her that it wasn't worth it and that I knew of a good dessert place about two blocks away.  She wouldn't hear of it.  She kept following this guy, block after block, until he finally gave her the slip somewhere.

I caught up with her, she turned to me and said, "Well, the date's ruined, now.  Good night, I guess."

It didn't have to be ruined, but in retrospect, I didn't really think much of her for letting the guy bother her so much in the first place.

Bad Popcorn

Submitted by Elizabeth:

Kevin took me out to a drive-in theater for our date. We got a big tub of popcorn and parked. The movie was Halloween.

At one point during the movie, the container of popcorn was on my lap, and I sneezed, covering my mouth, but the force of the sneeze flung popcorn all over the car.

I tried to laugh it off, but Kevin got angry, and asked me to step out of the car while he picked up every bit of popcorn.

I offered to help, but he said, "You've already caused a big enough problem." He grumbled the entire time and shot me lots of dirty looks.

The rest of the date was really quiet and uncomfortable.  I couldn't wait for it to end.

I Don't Mean it Like That

Submitted by Porter:

After dinner with Nicole, she asked if we could stop at a drug store to pick something up. We entered the store and she disappeared down an aisle while I checked out the magazines.

After twenty minutes, I decided to look for her. She was in a far corner of the store, talking to another woman. She introduced the other woman as Lara and explained that they had known each other in grade school.

Lara asked Nicole, "Is Porter here your boyfriend?"

Nicole said, "No! Ugh! Ugh, ugh, ugh, no! Eew!"

Afterward, I asked Nicole about it. She said, "Well, I don't think that we really click, do you?"

Maybe not, but there was surely a nicer way to make that clear.

A Different Kind of Stuntman

Submitted by Jamie:

I had met Peter online and after a bit of chatting, we decided to meet up at a dance club for a bit of dancing and drinking beers.  It was a fun time and I really liked it, and him.  We decided to get some air since we were both sweaty from dancing and went to the outdoor patio area to chat.  I knew he had lived in California for a bit, so decided to ask him about his time there.

"What did you work on in California?"

He said, "Well I edited some movies."

"Oh that sounds exciting, anything I would have seen?"

"Probably not... unless you watch a lot of adult movies."

I said, "Hmm, on occasion, but not with any consistency, mostly just if my friends send me something funny.  Did you enjoy it?"  At this point, I was a bit concerned, but not overly so, as I actually have a friend who used to do some of this work.

"Yeah it was really fun to be on set.  Actually you may have seen me then.  On occasion, I filled in as a stunt man for when the guy got tired and they need close up shots."

"...You've been in adult movies?"

"A few."

"Okay... I think that might be a deal breaker for me."

The Dangers of Dating Under a Full Moon

Submitted by MB:

In 2000 I was a freshman in college.  It was my first time away from home, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I liked women.

Since I wasn’t sure where or how to meet other single lesbians, I went to the first place I could think of.  I met Lisa online and we hit it off pretty quickly. She lived close to me, worked at the local mall and seemed fun, cute and normal! We met face-to-face several times, and dated casually for a few weeks.

One night she picked me up in her beat-up pick-up-truck for a romantic night out. We decided to head back to my dorm when she said, “Hey! I know a great back road.  Wanna go for a little ride?” Of course I did. The moon was full, the skies were clear, it was chilly and perfect out, and I was in great company.

We started down the road when I suggested that we pull over. We did, and she moved in for a kiss.

Without warning she jerked away from me, scrambled to the other side of the truck, covered her mouth frantically, and with muffled screams said, ”OH MY GOD! I didn’t want you to find out this way. Oh, no. Oh, God, Oh God…” She looked panicked and scared and I couldn’t imagine what the problem could be.

She started to cry, sobbing heavily, and when I tried to console her, she pushed me away. I stared in horror for several minutes and asked her, “Lisa, sweetie, what’s wrong? What happened? Please tell me.”

She slowly removed her hand and said, “I didn’t want you to find out this way, I’m so sorry. But, at midnight, when there is a full moon, my fangs come out and I need to feed. I need to take you back to your dorm immediately…”

*Blink* Excuse me? What? I mean… WHAT? I stared at her, waiting for the punch line, waiting to hear the laughter. Waiting for this girl that I had been making out with for the last few weeks to tell me that she didn’t REALLY think she was… a… vampire. Yeah, the punch line never came.

“Uh, yeah, you better take me back now…” I told her, “My roommate is expecting me back.”

She said, “I knew you wouldn’t be able to handle me, everyone breaks up with me when they find out…”

I still date women, but I’ve given up on vampires.

The Cruel Reign of Jaws Still Touches Us All

Submitted by Jacob:

Willa and I were at dinner.  I asked her about the shark tooth that she wore as a pendant around her neck.

She said, "It's in memory of my friend.  He was killed by a shark."

I asked her if she was serious and she snapped, "Yes, I'm serious!" and then started crying.

She was down in the dumps for the rest of the date, and that was the last time that I saw her.

Single Moms Need Love, Too

Submitted by Bill:

Amy was a single mom, and that's cool. At the start of our dinner date, she told me that she wasn't out looking for a father for her son.  She was just looking to meet people and see what happened.  That sounded fine.

Would I like to see a few pictures of Andy, her 2-year-old?  Why not?  She then proceeded to show me picture after picture after picture of her brood.  Here he is sleeping.  Here he is eating.  Here he is watching TV.  Here he is blowing his nose.  Here he is sleeping again.  Here he is in a diaper.  Here he is sleeping while watching TV.  Here he is blowing his nose in a diaper.

Dinner came, but this woman didn't take a breath.  I was done with my dinner, and she hadn't even touched hers.  She was too busy telling me stories about little Andy.

It took the waitress coming over to check on us to remind her that we were, in fact, out to dinner.

Amy told me that Andy would probably really like me and that I ought to meet him because I seemed nice.  I have no idea where Amy would've gotten this information from, as I barely had said more than three sentences to her up until that point.  I told her that we'd see what would happen.

Nothing.  That's what.

Moonshine Lullaby

Submitted by Grace:

Ben picked me up for our date in a Plymouth that was more rust than original paint.  He was really excited and had a lot of personality. 

He took me to a local diner that served fresh seafood.  Aside from picking up his crab dinner and making it dance and talk to me, it wasn't at all unpleasant.

After dinner, he told me that he had a surprise for me.  He opened his trunk and pulled out a glass jug of clear fluid.  He uncorked it and handed it to me.  It smelled awful.

"I made it," he said.  "Drink some."

I don't really drink, so I politely declined.  This upset him.  He said that he made it for me and that it took him a really long time.  When I declined again, he said that it was perfectly safe, and to prove it, he took a big swig of it, right then and there.

I still refused, and he said that he'd keep drinking until I told him that I'd try some.  I told him that that was a stupid idea, but he kept drinking, more and more, until he was just sort of wiggling on the ground and unable to stand.

I called for an ambulance and they had to pump his stomach.  That was the end of the date.