Sounds Like I Should've Written to Your Sister

Email Sent in by Sasha:

Hi Sasha!!

Thankyou for writing to me wow where to begin about myself I cannot even think ok here goes I am a 35 years old man with a BIIIG family! I have seven brothers and a sister. You may think life for her was bad growing up but it was even worse for me because I had her for a sister. She was a terror and hell itself was unleashed the day she was born. She got two of my brothers into drugs! Everyone thinks that she is sad because she is the only sister but I can tell you that she is the worst. No one likes her and she knows it but she loves that. Its like she celebrates it and becomes even worse. She alsmost got my dad into drugs

You might never meet her but if you do she will try to sell you drugs. She will say ow good they taste and how one hit will not get you addicted. WRONG! WRONG! SHE WILL GET YOU ADDICTED. I think too much of you to see your life fall away. Do not trust my sister even though she is the only girl among my siblings she deserves no mercy.

I will wrote more about me in a future email. So how are you??

Rodney

No One Nose

Email Sent in by O.:

Hi:

You have a nice profile. I especially like your nosering. Is it wrong that I kind of want to tie some rope to it and drag you behind my station wagon for a few miles and that would get me going? Sorry if its not a right question but I know I'm not the first one to ask you this. We don't actually have to do it but maybe if we could pretend to that would go a long way to me actually finding it attractive. Let me know!!!!!

Sandra

Why Vegetarians Happen

Email Sent in by Inez:

Hi:

I love that you are slim. A slim woman is the best woman. Not because they are non fat (everyone has fat sorry) but because they are crunchy in the gristle. What do you think?

Harvey

The King's Justice

Email Sent in by Geoffrey:

Hi,

My name is Helen and I'm so happy to read your profile it is a nice read and you are a fun guy. Can you tell me where you play your board games? I visit some tournaments around here and maybe we've met each other before. HAHAHA YOUR NAME IS GEOFFREY. How do you even pronounce that? Gee off err eee? That is a stupid spelling of one of the stupidest names I've ever heard. I hate you for what you did to ned stark you bastard. Guess you should ask your mom about who your real dad was uhhuh!!! Never write me. Dickless.

Never NEVER NEVER!
Helen

Baseketball

Email Sent in by Samantha:

u have lots of basketball pics on ur profile. do u like basketball. what are ur favorite team. i like the dodgers and not just cuz of there name but also they are a good team. i have lots of dodgers jerseys? which is your favorite dodgers player? mine is lamarque. he is strong and fast. i think that around my friends i am the one most like lamarque. do u like strong and fast men like lamarque. we should go 2 a baseball game together.?

Miles

Spineless

Email Sent in by Ali:

good morning,

You have a photo in your profile of you in front of a bookcase. Where is that bookcase I know I have seen it before. I read a lot but I never forget a case for books. I'm glad you are local because maybe we can meet and you can tell me in person or over the phone or even e-mail where the photo was taken. It looks like a good place but you should have gotten the titles of the books in better I cannot read them because they are blurry. If you really liked books you would have taken a better picture so that I could read the titles. I cannot read the titles you hate books goodbye.

Marissa

Sounds About Right

Email Sent in by Joy:

Dear date site woman:

I am a nice guy blah blah blah blah I want kids blah blah blah I am strong and sensitive blah blah blah blah I would love to meet your family blah blah blah let's have long conversations about feelings and how we feel about feeling feelings blah blah blah blah blah I love fuzzy animals blah blah blah blah let's talk about self help books over tea while we knit and watch Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey blah blah blah blah blah. How'd I do? Hit all the right buttons? What's your favorite podcast.

David

Skinsane

Email Sent in by Peter:

Hello.

My two girlfriends and I all like your profile. You have to choose one of us. I will send you a random photo close up of each of our skins. You can then choose which skin is your favorite and we can take it from here, k?

Lauren

Actually, John Mayer Forwards Works Just as Well

Email Sent in by Debbi:

I am looking for a woman to start world war 3 with! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! It will be the biggest and best of the world wars. We will destroy an entire continents with our anger and love! What is the sound of a continent shattrering? omg listen to john mayer backwards and loud and you will know. You said on your profile you like John Mayer but I will not hold it against you. Well I will hold something against you but not John Mayer.

Jerome

Who Nose?

Email Sent in by Joey:

Hi Joe,

If you look at my profile you will see there's two pictures. ONE OF ME WITH A CAT. The other is just me with my finger up my nose. Men write me all the time to ask why I include that photo. I answer them and then I don't hear from them again. So I'm preemptively writing to you in case you were going to write me. It's totally ok if you weren't going to but I think that in me writing this email I save time for the both of us. If you do decide to write me now you won't have to ask about the nose fad.

Nosy Nora

Email of the Gods

Email Sent in by Marie:

Hello:

I see you have lots of photos of you in the sunlight. I am happy to see you out and enjoying the sunlight. There can be less men in your photos though. You say they are friends but let's just cut out the middleman shall we? We BOTH know what these men are doing in your photos/life. Are you trying to make me jealous. I am not the jealous type but know that I will hunt them down if they so much as flirt with you while we are together. Know that I am watching. And waiting. Mortal.

Sid

The Enron Method

Email Sent in by Eldin:

Hi Eldin:

I was thinking that we should start a business together. I work part time at a local farm and you own a laundromat. I hate my bosses so I propose a proposition (see what I did there? LOL JK) I say I bring all their accounting books over come quitting time and we take them for a round in one of your industrial washing machines! Come Monday they'll have no idea why the books are wet and torn and in the pieces. Will that be okay? I want to make sure your machines can take it. I'll take you out on a very quick date to thank you. Very quick only because I don't want my bosses to see us together and realize I am the one who ruined their lives.

Mia

Early Robert Frost

Email Sent in by Kimberly:

Freeze and Thank You

Email Sent in by Bruce:

Hello Bruce!

After last night dazzle I went right home with the meaning to go right to bed but I opened up the freezer for some ice cream and I locked myself in it. They seem easy to open on the outside but from the inside they are HARD AND WEIRD! First of all it is like being on another planet but a planet made of ice and dark. There are things to eat but yeah they are like rocks because they are so hard. Like a rock planet. Whatever. You prob don't care. Maybe your two older bros would! Should we go it agin this week for food?

Bethany

*

Bruce says: "I got this in my inbox. I had never gone out with this girl before. I do have two older brothers though."

Fashioned Statements

Email Sent in by Cara:

Dear Cara,

I love the e-mail you sent. If it is okay with you I will print it out several times and paste it all over my body and wear it as clothes today. "But Jason" (you ask) "how will you paste all these pages to your self?" I say I will use tape and you say it will not work on the skin. You are corright! Instead I will use honey. Honey is sweet and sticky and golden and rotten. It will do! Now I go a pasting! Paste paste paste paste paste. Your e-mail will be my clothes!

Stay tight,
Jason

Don't Leaf Yet

Email Sent in by S.:

Hi again...

I know you won't write back but please listen. I tried that plantfood you told me to try and now the it worked too well and the leaves are up to the window in my apartment and pressing against the building. They block out all the sun and it is pitch black in here unless I turn on the lights. They seem to like the lights and they grow even more when I turn them on so I keep them off. Of course this means that I have to sit in darkness all the time. I think a plant exterminator must be called (or maybe I called one already) but even by the time you read this it might be too late. Everyone in the building is panicked and the management has told us all to go to the staircases. I don't ever get a signal in there so this might be the last I hear from me. I guess it's a long way to say remember whose fault this really is.

Sonia

That Ol' Country Life

Email Sent in by Brenda:

Brenda darling,

How have you been? Loved your photos from the "Come As You Are" concert. You have so much potential and I am constantly amazed by your work. You have the best regards from the entire crew I am sure.

You said you were busy this weekend. Be careful on that racetrack! Those cars can go 250 miles an hour or more. Will you be taking photos of the hicks in the stands who are watching the race? I ask because sometimes they could be just as entertaining if not more so. Once I was at a race and this one hick guy in front of me who had a face like a morel mushroom snapped his head back and forth so much that it actually loosened and fell off! The hicks in the stands fought over his head like it was the last hotdog for sale and his kids took turns pooping down his warm neck cavity. Then we had to decide who was taking the body home and there was a raffle and I won and that's why I have a dead hick in my bedroom. If you find more bodies on your trip this weekend you can send them to me. I have room for three or four more. Remember me while you're out there!

Truth and peace,
Ed

And What Isn't a Date

Email Sent in by Don:

HI!

My brother said I should write to you. I don't know why he picked you out. You look like every other guy on here with flabby lazy and confused look on your faces. Do they make you all in a factory downtown? The Guy Factory! Where the guys who populate this site are made. All from the same clay. Put you in a kiln and light you on fire ha! Now WHAT'S a date!

BYE,
Tina

Is Your Virtual Llama Taken?

Email Sent in by Lorraine:

Hello.

First up, prenup. You need to be okay with that. Also I will never leave anything to any woman. I instead will leave it all to my virtual pet llama. Don't care about anything else. You can be anything else and I won't care. Any money doesn't matter. Just know I will leave nothing to you. Don't trust the woman animal. Now that that's out of the way let's talk?

Dave

He Sleeps With the Angles

Email Sent in by Christian:

So u think u are a man Christian well do u!!!! I want to go out again with u (canding maybe>) but first u need to tell me if u are with the angles or the dark angels. Everyone is born with the stain and now u have to decide which side u are on. Last three guys I dated - dark angels all even though they said at first they were angels. I do not know which one u are but I trust u. The four guys ago guy I dated was an angel and now he is an actual angel and I miss him every day RIP PETE LOVE U!!!!! When u tell me which u are then we can see what happens!!!!!

Betsy