The New Romance

Submitted by Darlene:

Henry took me to a late-afternoon wine tasting.  It was a lot of fun, although he seemed quiet and a little shaky.  I did my best to put him at ease (I was nervous, too!) but each time I reached out to him, it seemed to make him retreat a bit more.

We met online, and I was just out of a long-term relationship.  He said that he wanted to go slow, and that was just my speed.

After the wine event, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk in a local park.  It was cooling off, and we'd likely have been able to see the sunset.

We went down a few paths, and finally made it to an overlook by a set of train tracks and a wide river.  I stopped and looked at the landscape.  Henry wrapped his arms around me from behind and gave me a hug.  I thought it was a nice gesture.

Then I felt his boner.

I pulled away slightly, but he held on.  "Henry," I said, trying to brush it off, "Are you ready for dinner?"

He sighed, then said, "I guess.  Can you feel my boner?"

I yanked myself away, creeped out, but still hoping to diffuse the situation with good humor.  "I sure did.  But maybe we could have dinner?"

"Maybe you could have my boner for dinner."

I shifted from "he's an adorable, horny rapscallion" mode to "get away from him" mode.  I said, "It's a little fast, you know, it being a first date.  Maybe we could do dinner and then see how things go?"

"I'm already hard," he said.

"I'd bet that you can make it go hard at least twice in a day, can't you?" I asked, saying anything I could to move us toward his car and away from isolation.

He agreed to this, and we left.  After some discussion, we went to dinner at a good place, all the while the gears were turning... how was I going to escape this guy.

I settled on saying good night right after leaving the restaurant.  We'd be out on a public street.  I began yawning and trying to look droopy-eyed, so as to appear more tired than I actually was.  I mentioned the busy day I had.

As predicted, once we were outside, he said, "So, where to next?" and he patted his crotch.

I said, "I'm really too tired."

He said, "I'd wake you up."

I said, "No.  Take me home."

He stared at me, then laughed.  He must have taken what I said for a joke, because he said, "I'm going to turn around and imagine myself fucking you.  Once I'm hard, I'll turn back around, and if you're still there, then we have to do it.  Got it?"

"If I'm still here?" I confirmed.


He turned around and, while standing on the sidewalk, manipulated himself.  I didn't stick around to find out how fast he could harden.  As quietly as I could, I slipped away and ducked down as many side streets as I could.  At every noise, I turned around to make sure that he wasn't following me.

I made it home on my own, and, thankfully, never heard from him again.


  1. One of the creepiest stories I've read on here

  2. Ah, the old don't-you-touch-me-just-my-boner strategem. Never fails to end in a wank fest.

  3. I think I would have ducked out after the first mention of his boner.

  4. He sighed, then said, "I guess. Can you feel my boner?"

    Haha! Wasn't expecting that.

  5. Seven-Thirty8/31/2010 9:44 AM

    9:33, not if your stomach were growling.

  6. He sounds like the rapist who lives on my street. Hope he doesn't know where you live...

  7. I got this story in my RSS feed, and the first sentence that caught my eye was "Then I felt his boner."

    I knew this was going to be a good way to start my day! Great story!

  8. God, I love the word "boner."

    Glad you avoided a bad case of the rapes, OP!

  9. This guy has the charms of a bloody booger soaked in vinegar and then left on a mound of horse shot to dry.

  10. This is a 5-star bad date story, but it left me feeling creeped out and a little nauseous. What a disgusting guy! Agree with Nikki - you definitely dodged abcotRapes!

  11. Maybe this post can have my boner for dinner.

  12. When I said I wanted to go slow, I meant emotionally.

  13. No he ment slow and romantic with a little dirty talk. Take my boner, yeah yeah take that boner.

  14. He sighed, then said, "I guess. Can you feel my boner?"

    I replied, "No. I guess it's too small!"

  15. Damn, that's just awful. Someone needs to stop getting his "How to date women" tips from porn flicks.

    Me, I 've learned my pickup lines from reading romance novels. I would have said "Fair lady, doest thou feel my turgid manhood leaping forth? Your beauty hast awaken my loins. Take me, take me now!!!"

    It seemed awfully successful when a Celtic vampire said it to the time-travelling librarian from Ohio, but it may have been the kilt that clinched it.

  16. Boner ??? He hardly knew her !!!
    - - - -
    Just so everyone knows, not all guys online are this classless.

    Sounds like the OP did a good job of steering clear of this fist rate cad.

    @ Baku-chan - His second one was even smaller !

    ---Tommy DaComic

  17. I really want to know the ages of these daters. She said she was just off a "long term" relationship. I just wonder if these two were 30s, 40s or 50s?

  18. Bonner story

  19. @5:25, that would be helpful in determining the creepy factor. Though certainly not acceptable behavior, it might be how a teenage boy with no experience would act. I can also see a very old man doing this, because hey, he might die soon so what the hell would he care.

    "Hey you young whipper-snappers, get a load of my boner!"

    Actually every other age in between would be awful. Personally, I think this guy is probably in his 40s, with his hair greased across his scalp, and smelling faintly of blue cheese. He wears a brown suit with a matching bow tie. He drives a '77 Ford Pinto The woman is around the same age and roughly resembles Helen Hunt in As Good as it Gets. This whole date takes place in Tulsa. Everything is awful.

  20. I agree. I think Jared should have people that post here include their age.
    I can't believe that this guy thought OP would still be there when he turned around! I bet he also thinks any female pizza delivery girl willing to have sex with him as a tip. Time to turn off the porn buddy and join the real world!

  21. Yikes, a bad case of the rapes! Glad the OP was smart and escaped this loser...creepy...

  22. Second that motion: require ages. Although can be guessed most times, still interesting to know.

  23. @Tooth Hurty: He obviously wasn't a teenager if they went to a wine tasting. Granted, it could have been in Europe where the legal drinking age is under 21, but there wasn't really anything in the story to indicate that this date took place somewhere outside the US.

    And I'm going to state the obvious: Jared has no control over whether or not people post their ages. It'd be a little fascist (and I'm something of a fascist, so I'd know) of him to require ages for posters. Yes, it would be interesting to know, so we could judge people better (easier to forgive the mistakes and immaturity of people who were actually young and immature), but it'd be a hassle to require ages.

    Now, if the OPs want to come on the forums and list their ages, that's another thing.

  24. @Nikki, Well yeah... I was just proposing possible situations that this behavior might be at least be chalked up to either puberty or dementia. It hurts me to think that some people are really just that clueless, so I prefer the fantasy land in my brain. Ah, delusions.

    Actually, a lot of the times you can really tell the age of the OP simply by his or her writing style. But unless specified ("we were in high school," etc) I really don't thik it matters. I think it is best to imagine that all these dates here were between 80 year old widow(er)s. It makes for a disturbing mental picture.

    I just like to throw bullshit in the air and see how many folks can get out of the way. ;)

  25. I have to say, the idea of an 80-year-old blowing another 80-year-old to get a ride home is...quite an image. Because she can't drive at night, you know. All gumless and Jesus Christ this quickly got out of hand.

  26. Romance? This guy was about as romantic as athlete's foot! He is an emotional infant at best and a pervert at worst and the OP dodged a bullet!


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