Don't Call Us. We'll Call... Just Don't Call Us

Amy had a profile up on a dating site, and it was just unique enough to make me want to message her.  She liked films, cooking, attending parades, and painting. 

She replied with a message that was about half the length of War & Peace and about as engrossing as Vanya on 42nd Street. The gist of it was that she was just out of a relationship wherein the guy mooched off of her and wouldn't find a job for months.  Therefore, she required that all guys who wanted to take her out on a date forward her their resumes.

"A lot of guys balk at that," she explained, "But it weeds out a lot of losers."

Unusual, but I didn't see any harm in it.  I asked her to forward me hers as well, as a sign of good faith.

"Why?" she asked, "You don't believe me when I say where I've worked?"

I replied, "Sure I do.  But you don't believe me."

Her resume arrived as a five-page document.  She had listed her entire work history, starting at age 10, "Co-managing a tropical fruit stand with co-owner, Terry (6, cousin)."

"We should meet," she said upon reading my work history, "But I'm going to have a lot of questions.  Be ready."

We met at a coffee place and after the exchanging of pleasantries, she sat down and said, "Let's get down to business," and pulled out a copy of my resume.

She went line by line, asking me questions like, "Why did you leave this job?" and "Did you ever manage people?"

It was most definitely more a job interview than a date, but I held out hope that she'd turn slightly more normal once we had established that I had, in fact, been employed.

"You didn't include references," she said, quietly at first, so I thought that I had misheard her.


She nodded.  "Is it okay if I call a few?  I mean, you seem to be on the level, but you could just be making all of this up."

"How badly did your ex burn you?" I asked.

"Bad," she said, "He stole $50 from my wallet."

"You caught him in the act?"

She said, "Pretty much.  It was after a party of mostly his friends.  It could've been any of them, I guess, but I hold him responsible.  It was just the last straw."

I gave a sympathetic smile.  "Can I see your references?"

"No.  You could be a stalker."

"So could you."

"I'm not."

I said, "So give me your references.  I'm not giving you mine otherwise."

She said, "Being difficult isn't a good quality in a guy."

"Being bitter enough to implicitly blame all guys for one guy's actions isn't a good quality, either."

She shrugged.  "It doesn't matter.  Now that I know where you worked, I'm going to call these places up and find out who your supervisor was, anyway.  You might as well tell me."

"What if I don't want the job?"

She slammed her hands down on the table and stood up.  She yelled, "You can't fire me!  I quit!"

She crumpled up my resume, threw it in the trash, and stomped off.  Now I'll have to find someone else to manage my fruit stand.


  1. I've noticed that at least half of the bad dates on this site are only bad dates because the person posting them stupid enough to actually agree to a date when the warning signs were so clearly obvious.

    Unusual, but I didn't see any harm in it. I asked her to forward me hers as well, as a sign of good faith.

    "Why?" she asked, "You don't believe me when I say where I've worked?"

    Just a heads up, this is where most normal people would have ended communication.

  2. ^^Agreed. Sometimes I wonder if people go on these dates just to have a good story to tell.

  3. Just checking in to confirm . . . yep, that's what I was thinking too.

    If it looks like shit, and it smells like shit, don't have a taste to make sure it isn't cotton candy.

  4. Seven-Thirty9/01/2010 10:14 AM

    ^^Good questions.

    Entering a relationship is by definition already a departure from normal everyday behavior, so the basic everyday rules are questioned. The driving force is that people are desperately lonely and horney, so they ignore the warning signals. Maybe it's even more complicated.

    What I want to know is why do we want to read these stories? Do ABCOD readers frequent BrokenHeartedGirl.com (recommended by Jared in the links)? I read a few and they make miserable reading.

    Why should a stillborn relationship be so much more interesting than broken off engagements, women who love men who abuse them, etc?

  5. also, you gotta remember that the writer cuts out all the good stuff that made them interested in the first place. We don't get to read the rest of the exchanges where she seemed [whatever good thing].

    They gotta make it entertaining to read.

  6. I enjoy going out with crazies!

  7. Maybe these people are just desperate.

  8. I agree it seems like most people should cut their losses early to avoid what appears to be a trainwreck-to-be, but I think that a brief summary of a date is always going to gloss over details. If nothing else, kudos to the risk-takers who don't give up at the first sign of trouble.

    Can the OP take this girl to the labour board to sue for discrimination? After displaying such a sexist attitude, she may be forced to hire this guy.

    And by hire, I mean at least a hand job.

  9. He should have had her boner for dinner.

  10. That is just about the craziest thing I have ever read on this site (excluding the whore who gave a guy a blowjob to get a ride home). I agree with the others. Why did this date even happen? I don't know a single person who would have gone along with her demand for a resume.

  11. Seven-Thirty9/01/2010 12:35 PM

    OK, so what haven't we had, for example:

    1) online date turns out to be an ex or someone otherwise connected;
    2) a prostitute;
    3) a politician;
    4) policewoman we had and it was a good story
    5) someone whom they already had sex (one nighter)with
    6) someone whom they already had sex with partner swapping
    7) doctors, lawyers (rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief -- all well covered)

  12. I can completely understand her taking the fear of theft out on every man she meets...$50 buys a lot of crack.

  13. Those of us who read this blog religiously have been inoculated to the horrors. We're jaded now (I know I am). Thanks to ABCOTD our radar is finely tuned to freakazoids.

    Most people aren't so paranoid going into a date.

  14. Even before the resume thing, you knew goddamn well she was going to be insane.
    No normal person enjoys attending parades.
    But you thinking it was okay to hand your resume over to a first date makes me think you two could have really hit it off had she not asked for references. A long married life of parade attendance, bedrooms full of stuffed animals, feeding kidnap victims cat food in your attic, and so on.

  15. Am I the only one who has considered the possibility that she was just a gold-digger looking for a sugar daddy?

  16. @nomatophobia-She must have been insanely hot to even think about possibly sitting through a parade with her.

  17. Jared, I think you owe it to us to tell us if she was hot, and if hot, how hot. If resume-giving or parade-attending hotness rating is not approved by the panel of judges (me), then you hereby agree to send me cookies. Wherein peanut butter cookies are the only accepted payment. Chocolate chip may also be submitted, but only if Tollhouse, and made by your mom.
    Because, indeed I am a fat bitch and I'm just hungry.

  18. @8:00 pm,

    I was thinking she must have had EPIC tits to sit through that. I mean they must have been HUGE!

  19. Seems like Jared doesn't get too many dates and will pretty much take what he can get.

    This girl dumped her baggage on him right up front. Cardinal sin of dating is bringing up the ex. No one should want to play the psychiatrist or pay for the sins of another.

    I knew this story was shit a few lines in. Then I realized it was Jared's submission... which tend to drag on resulting in him taking a beating to his dignity / self-respect or exposing lack there of.

  20. @noma
    I'll make you cookies anytime you want. I prefer my victims large and slow.

    I can't imagine the courage it must take to try to insult me anonymously. Instead of whining, you can grow a pair and send in your own story. Or keep visiting the site, quietly stewing in bitterness, making me more cash for the ABCotD mansion, where Nikki and Fizziks bow to my every whim. Your call.

  21. I don't bow to your *every* whim, Jared, and you know. I still haven't done that thing with the crab meat and my vj, and I never will because that's really Fizziks' thing anyway. My pussy stays crab-free because I have a good health care plan. You have to, working in the abcotd mansion.

    Totes didn't even realize this was a Jared submission. It explains a lot though.

  22. I don't care what anyone thinks. I liked Vanya on 42nd Street. OK I care a little, that's why I'm posting as anonymous.

  23. @ Fizziks - Correction, $50 buys a lot of YOUR crack.

    @ Nom - Much love; that parade bit killed me!

    @ Jared - If you need an add-on to that ABCotD Mansion, just let me know. I'm thinking a dank basement with a rusty metal table for cutting up "stuffed animals" would be a fantastic addition.

  24. Fizziks, where the hell do you buy your crack? $50 will get me high for a couple days... that's a small rock.


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