Prepare to Be Boarded

Story Sent in by Deborah:

On September 19th, I had a date with Nathan. Apparently, someone neglected to tell me that it was Talk Like a Pirate Day, because he showed up decked out in full pirate regalia. He had a peg leg, a patch over one eye, a bandanna, large hoop earrings, and an immense (fake) black beard.

He brandished a shiny plastic sword in my direction, right in the restaurant parking lot, and let out a colossal, "Yar!"

At first I didn't realize that he was my date, but then he leaped to my side and said, "Yar! I be yer captain fer the evening. Pirate Nate!"

I thought it was amusing. "Nice to meet you, Nate–"

"Pirate Nate!"

"...Pirate Nate."


We were at a place known for good seafood, and it had an outdoor deck. The hostess gave us some strange looks, and Nathan felt the need to say, "Keep looking, lass, and it'll be the last yer glassies ever viddy! Yar!"

So he was kind of a Clockwork Orange pirate. He asked me what I wanted to drink. I ordered a martini, and he ordered, well...

"Rum! Lots 'o rum!" he told the waiter.

I asked Nate, "Are you going to talk like a pirate the whole time?"

He half-shouted, in response, "Yar! I be Pirate Nate! Where's me rum?"

Yep. It was going to be one of those nights.

I figured that I'd have a good time with him while it lasted. Over the course of dinner, he downed more rum than I thought physically possible for a human (pirate or otherwise), and he only ate with his knife.

He asked me about my day, my hobbies, my weekend plans, all in his pirate way. I'm really glad I stuck around, weird as it was. He kept me in stitches.

When the check came, I offered to pay for myself, but he slammed a fist on the table and said, "No lass of mine will ever lay their booty down at me feet!" I took that to mean that he insisted on paying, and so I thanked him. Once dinner was over (I can't remember ever seeing a waiter so relieved to see someone leave a restaurant), we went outside, to the parking lot.

Nate put his hands on my shoulders and said, "Want to help me dig fer treasure in me pants?"

His pants were green and white-striped and puffy. As amusing as they were, I had no real desire to discover what treasures awaited within. I said, "I'm very grateful for dinner, but maybe not tonight?"

His face visibly darkened, and for a moment, I was afraid that he'd scream or shout or do something physically violent.

He turned away, gave a defeated-sounding, "Yar..." trudged to his vehicle, opened his car door, and muttered, "Lord Internet will be me bride tonight," and drove away.


  1. "Yep. It was going to be one of those nights."

    Been taken out by a lot of pirates, have ye?

  2. Nikki would have liked this guy's style, and would have at least given him a beej...

    1. Where'd she go? Aren't you and Fizziks BFFs with Nikki IRL?

    2. We met her once but I don't have her number anymore. Otherwise I's harass her until she came back. Maybe Jared can help us out?

    3. The Nikki stays or goes at her own will.

  3. Ok, this was the funniest entry in a while. I usually confine TLAP Day to just talking online, 'cause I can never bring myself to actually talk like that in person with a straight face.

  4. "Lord Internet will be me bride tonight,"

    Best. Line. Ever.

    1. My thoughts exactly! I don't even care if she made that up.

    2. I'll have to find a way to incorporate it into a conversation somehow.

  5. This guy is the king of commitment! He kept it going for the whole date and the OP was cracking up the whole time. I think if he hadn't gone for the "Treasure in me pants" bit and had finished by talking like a normal person, it would have been a great date. Loved that you were at a seafood place though!

    1. Agreed.

      But if he hadn't gone for that bit there wouldn't have been the "Lord Internet will be me bride tonight" line.

  6. So, why no second date? Waiting for Limerick Day (May 12th)? You just missed National Condom week......

    1. It could be that she was put off by him asking for sex on the first date but it was probably because of this bit: "for a moment, I was afraid that he'd scream or shout or do something physically violent." Granted he didn't actually do anything but maybe the look on his face was enough to raise a red flag.

      It could also be that he was the one that didn't want a second date.

  7. This is interesting. Here are 2 quotes from the story, presented without commentary:

    "Over the course of dinner, he downed more rum than I thought physically possible for a human (pirate or otherwise)"

    "He turned away, gave a defeated-sounding, "Yar..." trudged to his vehicle, opened his car door, and muttered, "Lord Internet will be me bride tonight," and drove away."

    1. Yeah, I don't know why the OP makes no note of why she was fine with this dude driving drunk. No offer of getting him a cab, calling a friend to pick him up, or, if all else fails, calling the cops. I wouldn't expect her to offer to drive him home since she had been worried he was about to get violent but she could have done something.

      If he wasn't drunk then they were either there long enough for him to sober up, which would have been hours based on how she described him drinking, or he wasn't actually drinking that much.

  8. How can anyone find this "Talk like a pirate" thing anything other than extremely annoying? "I thought it was amusing". Incomprehensible. I would have ended the date after two sentences.

  9. This didn't happen. This is a LIE just like all the other stories on here. This reminds me of another story I read on this site, about a guy picking a girl up in a toga. These are all manufactured!


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