There Are Better Ways to Test a Tent

Submitted by Danny:

Ivy and I had been getting to know each other for a while.  We met online, and had been on several dates.  I had very little doubt that my relationship with her had high potential to become something more.

I had an idea for an overnight date, camping at a park.  She loved the idea, and we went out shopping together for supplies.  We were both very excited.

I had an old tent, but it wasn't really in great shape, so I bought a new one for the trip, and hopefully more trips to come.

We made it to the site and set up camp.  I was in charge of the tent.

I put it up quickly and exactly according to the instructions.  When Ivy saw it, she said, "Whoops!"

I wasn't sure what the problem was.  She said, "Looks wrong."

I double-checked the instructions.  It was symmetrical, upright, and everything seemed to check out.  She elaborated, "It looks too low."

The instructions said that it would be of a certain height, and it certainly seemed to be that height.  I opened it up and showed her the inside.  The walls were taught, and there was plenty of space.

She took it down and re-pitched it.  It looked exactly the same.

"Something still doesn't look right," she said, and looked at the instructions for a while.

I said that it looked good to me, and that I wanted to finish prepping the area.  Instead, she took it down and pitched it once more.  It looked the same.

"Something's wrong with the tent," she announced, "We have to return it."

I said that I'd consider it after the trip.

"The trip is ruined," she said, "Our tent doesn't work."

I went inside, zipped it up, and rolled around in it.  It worked just fine.  "It works just fine!" I reported.

Next thing I knew, the blade of a small hunting knife I had brought jabbed through the fabric, inches from where I was.

I shouted and scrambled out of the tent.  "What the hell are you doing?" I demanded from Ivy, who was holding the knife and looking at it.

She said, "The material of the tent's too weak, too.  Now you have to return it.  Let's go."

I could have stayed and argued with her.  Instead, I nodded, packed everything back up, dropped her back off at home, forgot all about her, had the tent patched up, and have gone camping with it, with other people, a few times since. 


  1. Hope you sent her a bill for the tent. If it was an REI tent, definitely should have told her the hunting knife needed to be tested and checked for malfunctions.

  2. What a nutjob (Ivy)

  3. I don't know what kind of tent she's used to (maybe one with padded walls?) but normal tents don't stop a knife no matter how low or defective.

  4. Rules for dating psychos #4: When psycho brandishes knife, agree with everything she says until you can drop said psycho's crazy ass off back at home.

    Flawless execution, OP.

  5. Be careful man, any women who pulls out a knife when you are pitching a tent is someone to keep your eyes out for. John Bobbit wasn't so fortunate.

  6. @ 12:48..agreed. danny, looks like you dodged a major bullet here. too bad the "...potential for something more" turned out to be the potential for something psychotic!

  7. Haha! Love the comment, Lebowski! I was waiting for the standard abcotd camping date "pitching a tent" comments in the forum. :D

  8. You dodged a major shanking

  9. Not a psycho, not a bullet. Dude, she just wasn't that into you.

  10. This is a great bad date story. She was clearly psycho, and you made it out alive. Give yourself a pat on the back and in the future you can reminisce about times you made good decisions.

    Oh yeah, you're lucky she didn't crush the tent back into its fundamental particles with her soul-crushing obesity.

    Fat bitch!

  11. LOL@psycho-bitch for repitching the tent not once, but twice.

    "The trip is ruined, our tent doesn't work".

    Uhhh WTF did she think a "tent" is?

    It reminds me of an old Woody Woodpecker skit where he enters a small tent owned by an Arabian sheik, and the inside is magically a huge palace full of servants and a numerous beautiful haram.

  12. ^Doh I guess I meant "harem".

  13. Is a tent supposed to do something that I'm not aware of? My understanding is that its supposed to sit there and keep put rain/animals... I'm gunna be pissed if I've missed out on something cool every time I've gone camping.

  14. Who tests tents for possible stabbings? Good thing you didn't sleep with her, think of what she would have done to the condoms!


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