Twilight, Twi-Not-So-Bright

Submitted by Edward:

Bella and I had been seeing each other in a celibate relationship for a while.  I'd be away for long stretches of business, but that wouldn't stop her from calling, texting, and whining about her life every single day, even when I was away.

Her texts would read, "Bored and ornery.  When r u coming home?" or "Saw some werewolves today.  Thought of u," or "Hungry?  I have a paper cut that I can keep going for u."

I hadn't been in touch for a day or two when she wrote me a serious-sounding text: "CALL ME, MAN MEAT."

As a friend, I did as she asked.  "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Edward, when you're back from your trip, I want you to turn me into a vampire, just like you."

I growled at her over the phone.  "Bella, we've been over this.  Over and over and over.  In each of these ridiculous, overrated books that people only read because Oprah told them to.  I'd rather bite a sewer rat with the plague.  The black plague."

"My neck is a fat, pulsing, bloody burrito, and you're on a freakin' diet?"


"I'm a girl with needs, Edward."

"Special needs," I said under my breath.  It was a fatal mistake.

"What?" she yelled, "How dare you!  I'm going to go out and get my neck bitten by the first thing I see!"


She hung up.

I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day.  The next day, though, there was a voicemail from her.

"Edward, I couldn't find any other vampires, so I asked all of my human friends, but none of them would bite me.  So I slammed my neck in the door of a washing machine five times.  My neck hurts now and I still miss you.  You can visit me in the hospital when you come back."

I dumped her.  Who'd want to spend eternity with that?


  1. EPIC WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Well it's certainly better than anything Stephenie Meyer has ever written.

  3. Americans are weird..

  4. Why do I feel like this story was not real...?

  5. Awesome. Absolutely awesome.

  6. How weird that this is getting some praise. Pure garbage.

  7. this is also fake...

  8. Lame indeed.

  9. I think the author was a little too sympathetic toward Edward. I had a friend who dated him once, and she said he's a real control freak with stalkerish tendencies.

  10. This could not be more enraging.

  11. I come to this site to hear the kind of stories that happen to people in real life.

    I do not come to this site to be exposed to the idiocies of Wal-Mart brand literature. I know that these romantic ideals are dysfunctional and an ironic retelling of their particular details does more support than harm. The fact is that I am unexpectedly forced to think about this stupid book series because you have brought it up. Which does more to promote the brand name than to cause its decline.

    Shame on the moderators for letting this trash through.

  12. You all need to appreciate the joke for what it is, poking fun at the hype and flawed story that is twilight.

  13. I'm surprised a Twilight or New Moon ad didn't pop up while reading that.

  14. Elizabeth R.11/24/2009 5:19 AM

    Why did this get posted? Disappointed in A Bad Case of the Dates for letting this through.

  15. Wait... i dont think i believe this story to be true.

  16. LAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. It was funny, get over yourselves.

  18. Come on, people, it's an Internet blog. Why are you holding it to such high standards of literature? Go rant and rave on your LiveJournals and Twitter feeds about what a disservice abcotd.com has done to you this day and then go secretly sneak into a midnight showing of "New Moon" like we all know you want to.

  19. Well, when I first started to read this, and realizing it was absolutely fake and definitely trying to be funny, I was getting ready to be bowled over with laughter.

    Unfortunately, though the author gave it a good effort, it was rather droll and boring. Sorry, I did not enjoy it one bit.

  20. this one made me moist.


  22. Very humorous and entertaining. Cute joke. But it must be said that this blog is about real-life dating experiences, not fantasy

  23. For all it's worth, I think it's funny.


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