Twilight, Twi-Not-So-Bright

Submitted by Edward:

Bella and I had been seeing each other in a celibate relationship for a while.  I'd be away for long stretches of business, but that wouldn't stop her from calling, texting, and whining about her life every single day, even when I was away.

Her texts would read, "Bored and ornery.  When r u coming home?" or "Saw some werewolves today.  Thought of u," or "Hungry?  I have a paper cut that I can keep going for u."

I hadn't been in touch for a day or two when she wrote me a serious-sounding text: "CALL ME, MAN MEAT."

As a friend, I did as she asked.  "Bella, what's wrong?"

"Edward, when you're back from your trip, I want you to turn me into a vampire, just like you."

I growled at her over the phone.  "Bella, we've been over this.  Over and over and over.  In each of these ridiculous, overrated books that people only read because Oprah told them to.  I'd rather bite a sewer rat with the plague.  The black plague."

"My neck is a fat, pulsing, bloody burrito, and you're on a freakin' diet?"

"Bella–"

"I'm a girl with needs, Edward."

"Special needs," I said under my breath.  It was a fatal mistake.

"What?" she yelled, "How dare you!  I'm going to go out and get my neck bitten by the first thing I see!"

"Bella–!"

She hung up.

I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day.  The next day, though, there was a voicemail from her.

"Edward, I couldn't find any other vampires, so I asked all of my human friends, but none of them would bite me.  So I slammed my neck in the door of a washing machine five times.  My neck hurts now and I still miss you.  You can visit me in the hospital when you come back."

I dumped her.  Who'd want to spend eternity with that?