I'm Totally Not Kidding

Submitted by Leila:

I met Max at a restaurant where I was waiting for friends at the bar. We had a decent conversation, so we exchanged numbers and in about a week I got a text from him. We planned a date at a nice restaurant in the city.

He was already there when I arrived. I spotted him talking to a couple at the bar. After the couple had left, he turned to me and said, "People are just drawn to me.  They love to hear me talk."

On to dinner where he described how his employees loved the extra money that he showered on them (he would send them on scavenger hunts for coin), the book he wrote and how it is the pinnacle of the written word, how there was no one above him in his profession, and of course, his incredible ability to captivate an audience. Also he talked about how the waitress secretly wanted him. I must not have caught that as she silently gave us our food. He claimed a "sixth sense about these things."

After he was somehow able to make the waitress contain her "obvious" lust for him, he took a phone call at the table. A snippet: "Not much, how are you? No, I'm just at dinner with a client."

I said "I'm not your client."  He shushed me. I hadn't remembered asking for his services and he was the one who officially labeled the evening as a date. He continued to get drunker and more amusing.

The topic went to the movie Thank You for Smoking, which I said was one of my favorite movies. He said that I reminded him of the main character (a smooth talking tobacco company spokesman). My eyes brightened and I said, "Really?  Well thank y–"

"I'm totally kidding."

I was no longer interested in impressing him, so I asked if I could stop by my place, which was close, to change into sneakers and pants. I had my bike helmet sitting out.  He put it on and proceeded to run into my walls with it. I led him out the door so that I would be spared my rental deposit.

We walked around the city, him headbutting trees we passed with his helmeted head. I knew there might be some damage to the helmet, but it was worth it for the show.

He didn't have a car, which was a mystery unto itself, as he had earlier claimed that he had driven his Lexus into the city.  I drove him home.

On the way there, more people called him and he continued to say he was with a client. As we were driving he said, "I should get a motorcycle, huh? It'll get me lots of chicks."

I opened the car window and a sudden gust of wind made me tear up. He asked me if I was crying. I told him I was because I was hoping he would call me again. He said, "You know I will, baby."

I said, "I'm totally kidding."

He dated a friend of mine (my warnings fell on deaf ears) a few weeks later. The second she arrived for the date, he gave her a copy of his book. He told her a completely different story of his life (in this version he was some sort of inventor with a second home in Switzerland) and stole her watch.