9/02/2015

The Music of the Fight

Story Sent in by Thomas:

While browsing an online local music forum I struck up a conversation with Allene. We traded some tracks and I dug what she sent so I thought it would be cool to take her out to a concert playing a little way out of town. We had both heard of the band and liked their stuff. Why not, right?

The parking situation was a big field next to a little theater and it was packed. It was a good scene and there was plenty to drink. That was the good part. Allene wasn't very polite, though. She never thanked me for the drinks I bought her or for the ticket I had paid for her. Just took me by surprise was all. Like I said, though, the scene was good and everyone was there to party and the music was sharp.

After the last song we went back to the parking lot. Allene and I had driven there separately but I thought it would be nice to walk her back to her car, wherever it was. Was it up this aisle? No. Maybe over here? No. Over there? Nope. Where's your car, Allene?

"I swear I parked right around here," she said, becoming more and more frantic. People were pulling out of their spots all around us so I thought it would be only a matter of time before she found it. But it was still crowded and loud and she was becoming more and more upset.

"Where is it? Where is it?" she repeated, running her hands through her hair again and again. She asked me, "Do you know where it is?"

I knew she had a white Honda but otherwise her guess was as good as mine. But her brain sure wasn't. After a few more minutes she muttered things like, "You know where it is. You know. You're just not telling me. Where is it? Why won't you tell me?"

"Are you talking to me?" I had to ask.

That was all the flint and tinder she needed to blaze up. She said, "Where is my car? You knew I'd be coming here tonight. What did you do with it?"

"Nothing. There won't be too many cars left in the lot, soon. You're bound to find it."

"No! You told someone I'd be here and they took it! You must have! Why didn't I see this coming? Oh my God. You give it back right now or I'm calling the cops."

I said, "Go ahead and call the cops. I had nothing to do with your car disappearing."

She called me a few choice words, took out her phone, and stormed back toward the theater. I went to my car and drove off, noting that there were at least two cars that matched her description still in the lot. Never heard from her again (or the cops).

9/01/2015

Wherever I Bro, They Bro

Story Sent in by Marilyn:

There was a fun brunch place near me that had just opened up and I suggested to James that we meet there for our first date. He was a friendly guy and had a pretty positive attitude. Most of his profile photos were of him with his friends, which boded well. In retrospect, I guess I should've realized that it might have been a red flag.

That's because when he arrived for the date he showed up with not one but two other guys. He introduced them as Brandon and Henry and they sat with us. I told James that I didn't expect company other than himself, and he just laughed it off.

Of the three of them, Henry seemed the most interested in me, by which I mean that he asked me a question or two and then lost interest. James and Brandon were trading inside jokes and telling funny stories that must have been really funny to them, but were completely lost on me.

The meals came and went. When the check came, Brandon offered to pay for my meal and said, "I feel kinda bad. We've been monopolizing the conversation, here." Thanks, Brandon. I'll accept your offer and silently agree with your statement.

After the meal was over we left the restaurant and Brandon and Henry took off, leaving me alone with James on the sidewalk. He had barely said a word to me that day.

"So..." he began, apparently not having any idea of what to do next. He asked, "You wanna like, kiss or something?"

He moved toward me as if expecting a thumbs-up. But that was not in the cards for poor James. "Sorry," I said, "I have someplace to be. Thanks for the date."

I felt a little bad, leaving so abruptly. And he definitely noticed, as he wrote me an email to ask if everything was okay and if he had done anything to offend me. I wrote back, "I don't think we're a good match but best of luck," and he actually replied, "Why not?"

Leave it to someone else to do the educating. He'll find out eventually. I hope.

8/31/2015

Silent Night

Story Sent in by Sidney:

At first I thought Linda was cool. I found her profile and we had a lot in common. Our dinner date, however, was a different story.

We were both athletes (she runs, I bike) and we talked about staying hydrated. A pretty G-rated conversation, right? Then when I mentioned Gatorade she said, "Could we stop talking about that?"

"What, Gatorade?"

She winced like it was actually painful for her to hear the word. "Yeah. Change of subject, please. Right now."

"O... kay. What are you up to this fall?"

That was good. We talked about our respective plans and Thanksgivings and the holidays and families and–

"Could we not talk so much about family? I'm sorry. Change of subject, please."

The first time was okay. The second time was stupid. I asked, "What's wrong with talking about our families? I'm not asking you where they live, where they work, what their social security numbers are–"

"That's it, I'm going to leave. I can't..." and she actually stood up to go, just like that.

Crisis mode kicked in and I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa... fine! We won't talk about families or Gatorade or–"

"I said not to mention Gatorade!" she snapped.

"Fine! Then you tell me what we should talk about."

"I don't know. I'm not good at these things."

You think? I then talked about movies I had seen lately. Guardians of the Galaxy immediately came to mind and I mentioned to her that I had liked it.

At once she went stiff and said, "Can we not talk about Guardians, please? I'll leave if I have to."

I said, "I give up."

The rest of dinner was silent and awkward beyond belief. She made no effort to speak and I certainly wasn't going to chance offending her with talk about clouds or puffins or leaves or whatever else would set her off. We paid separately for our meals and I bid her a hasty goodnight.

8/30/2015

Pecs from Heaven

Profile Sent in by Ricki:

About me:

I'm always up for a good time. Do whatever wherever. It's a good motto and I just am who I am. What you see is what you get. I'm me you're you and we can be who we be.

I get lots of emails about my profile pics. Yes they're all real. I work out a lot and my pectorals are second only to Christ. He died so you can read this and so I could work out. I have no problem at all with who you are if you are gay or straight or white or blue. No issue. My pecs are real. What else? Look at my profile pics and decide for yourself.

8/29/2015

Old Flame

Email Sent in by Roger:

Hi Roger,

That sounds like a really romantic evening! A cool twist on an old favorite. Let me tell you my idea of a perfect first date:

We are in front of a fireplace with a fire. There is champagne in our glasses and we toast to me. Then right before we kiss an errant spark flies up out of the fireplace and sets me on fire! I scream and turn and yell and you try to put me out but it's no use. With my last moments I see the police taking you away for the murder of burning me. :P

I'd love to meet you. Maybe something like tea (have you heard of Harriet's? It's on State and Brisby - they have 100s of teas) to start. Let me know what you're thinking.

Ella