Snow Job

Story Sent in by Paula:

The dead of winter was when I went on my only date with Alfred. He promised to take me sledding and then to a place that had amazing hot cocoa. We met up at a local park that had a great hill that sloped down to a field surrounded by trees.

He drove his car off the parking lot and nearly to the top of the snow-covered rise. We looked down the hill and I asked him, "Where's your sled?"

He said, "It's the car. We'll just go down in it."

I was astonished. I asked him, "You want to drive down the hill in your car? It'll crash into the trees!"

He said, "No, it won't. We'll blast the heat and be warm while we sled. Come on."

The hill was pretty steep and I was almost positive that if he lost control of the car, it would not only slide and skid - it might flip. I told him, "I really don't feel comfortable doing this."

He didn't say a word but he jumped into his car and drove it toward the edge.

The few sledders around us backed away. "What the hell is he doing?" a guy with a little kid said.

Alfred let off the gas and the car eased down the hill. Of course, he lost control and it spun around a few times (although it didn't flip), skidded across the field, and stopped just short of the trees.

As the other people and I watched, Alfred drove off the field, between the trees, onto a sidewalk, and onto the road. He then drove away and he never came back.


My Brain Lost the Most Weight

Profile Sent in by Jeremy:

About me:

My closet of plus size clothes no longer fits me anymore. Now I am slimmer than ever and still going strong on my weight plan. It is good for men and women. Maybe if you tried it you would also lose the weight you need. So I like to go out during the summer but stay in during the winter because it's cold out and there isn't much else to do around here. Once I took all my plus size clothes and you can probably build a wigwam outside in the winter to keep you warm. Not that I am using them for anything else again ever because I lost the weight. Use it for TP. I don't care anymore. Not going back. Not again. "Nothning is thin..." - Kate Moss. Carve that quote into my mirror too and remind you of my good luck. Now there is nothing left.


Eh. I Prefer Reading Schubert.

Email Sent in by Sasha:

Hi! I am a big fan!

What can you tell me about yourself! I am 6-1" have washboard abs and am so smooth between the legs. I like reading the classics: Beethoven, Bach, Mozart. If you can take care of yourself while I am away then I think we can be friends. Or more. I travel a lot for work.

I will ask you to let me know ahead of time if you think we'll be sleeping with each other on a first date. IT IS NOT REQUIRED but I like to know so that I know if to bring protection. If you say no then that is okay for this time. If you say yes then you are in for the greatest night of your short life.



Put it All on Black Friday

Story Sent in by Spike:

A little bit after Ellendra and I started dating I took her to a local casino one Friday night. As soon as we entered she practically ran for the roulette tables ("I have a system!" she said).

Soon afterward she had burned through all her money and hit me up for some. She told me, "I'm putting it on black. That's the best thing to do."

I gave her $20. She lost it. She asked for money again. I gave her $10. She lost that. She asked for money again.

That time, though, I said, "My turn," and I put $20 on black for myself. The wheel came up black. I then put the $40 on black and it came up again.

Pleased that I had beaten the house, I pocketed the $80 in chips and mentally (and perhaps temporarily) decided to call it a night.

Ellendra asked me, "What are you doing? That's my money."

I said, "I gave you $30, which you lost. I put $20 of my own down and that's when I won $80. I'm not going to keep giving you money."

She said, "You gave me that $20 that you turned into the $80. It's mine. Give it to me."

I retorted, "If I'm the one who made it into $80, explain how it's yours."

"You used my system. You're supposed to give it to me. Give me the money!"


"You're really going to do this? You're really going to be an asshoIe?"

"It's my money," I explained again.

She stormed off toward the ATMs, which I felt was a big mistake. She spent the next less-than-an-hour blowing it all at a handful of roulette tables. Once that was over and done with she came up to me and said, "I'll take it, now."

"Take what?"

"The $80 you owe me. The $80 your stole."

"When did I steal $80 from you? I made $80 by myself at roulette, earlier. But that wasn't stolen from anybody. It was mine. I made it."

She said, "You were supposed to be helping me. We both know whose money that is. I can't understand why you're being such a jerk!"

I suggested, "Maybe we should go."

"And let you steal my money? I don't think so."

I said, "I'll rephrase: I'm going. You can stay here and bitch and moan all you want."

She said, "That does it. I'm getting security."

She turned away and made off toward the ATMs again. I took that as my cue to leave. We had arrived there in separate cars, so it was no added complication for me to just take off.

It sounds insane but she later sent me an email with the word "THIEF" written about a thousand times over and over. Needless to say, we were done after that.


Cranberry Saws

Story Sent in by Tina:

My high school sweetheart was John and he and I decided to try and stay together when we went off to college at opposite sides of the country. I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving as I'd be seeing my family and I'd be seeing him for the first time since we went away.

John was in some intro architecture classes that included a woodworking course. He told me that he looked forward to showing me some of his work in person. I was just excited to see him.

We both arrived back home early in the week and spent a lot of time catching up. On Thanksgiving day, we went to my parents' house early to help my folks cook and set up for the meal before the rest of the family came by.

When my mother and I were in the kitchen, John came in to tell us that my family's wooden dining room table was a bit off-balance and rocking back and forth a little. He said he knew a way to fix it permanently and asked if he could borrow my father's hacksaw for the job. I trusted him and so did my parents, so I brought him a hacksaw from my garage and he set to work on the table while Mom and I continued in the kitchen.

John was in the dining room for a long time but finally returned to the kitchen and said that he was done with the project. I went in to take a look at his handiwork.

What John had effectively done was sawed down all four legs of the table to such an extent that the table was literally half as tall as it used to be. It was slightly above knee-height.

"What did you do?" I said.

"The legs were faulty. The table was unstable. I fixed it, but you might need to raise the table up a little bit for the meal."

"You think? We can't eat here!" I yelled.

My mother came in and screamed. My father ran downstairs and said to John, "Oh my God! What did you do to the table?"

John clapped his hands to his head and yelled, "I can't take it anymore!" and with a yell ran pell-mell out the front door.

My mother was nearly in hysterics. My father consoled her, saying that he'd find a way to raise the table. Thanks to some quick thinking and some two-by-fours Dad kept in the garage, we had a serviceable table on which to eat.

I didn't ask my folks, but I guessed that they weren't in the mood to invite John back for dinner. I decided to wait and see if he'd return. He never did. When next I checked, he had blocked me on Facebook. I wrote him a brief email to ask him to reach out to me, but he never replied. The Thanksgiving incident was the last time I've ever seen him.

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