5/29/2017

Get In

Story Sent in by Maurice:

On my second date with Kelly she asked me to meet her at a community center in a nearby town. I asked her what event we were attending and she was pretty vague about it.

When I arrived there was no one there but she had a key to the basement and she led me downstairs to a room full of tables, chairs, and old party decorations. She told me to sit in a chair and then she tied me up with lots of rope.

Thinking I was in for something fun, I didn't resist. I asked her what she was planning about a dozen times but all she said was, "You'll see."

Once I was tied really tight she left. I thought she was going to her car to bring in something else but I heard her car start and the sound of her driving away. I called after her but that was quickly of no use. I shouted a few times but I wasn't in a place where anyone would be able to hear me. The closest house was a field away.

I could shift around the floor in the chair but I couldn't release myself and Kelly had closed and locked the basement door. My cell phone was still on me but I wasn't able to reach it. I was in an actually hopeless situation and all I could really hope was that someone would hear me or come by at happenstance, which was doubtful at that hour.

I ended up nodding off. Kelly came back some time later. There was alcohol on her breath. She untied me and said that she had been out with her girlfriends. I was exhausted but had the presence of mind to ask her why she had tied me up just to leave me there. She replied, "I double-booked myself. I know we had plans but I didn't want you to think I had forgotten you. Did you have fun?"

I hadn't. But I was too anxious to leave to tell her off. I hurried out and went home and despite the fact that she called me a couple of times thereafter, I didn't go out with her a third time.

5/28/2017

Just Buying Nuts Sounds Like Less Trouble

Profile Sent in by Chip:

My ideal first date:

First you'll fall into my arms. I'll spin you into a barstool and we'll order chips or nuts. You'll suck the salt off every nut and replace them into a saltless pile. The bartender will call you an apprentice of salt and we will whisk off into a new world of sunlight and grassy trees. Children will come up to us and you will pet them all. You will call them each a name from your past and in this way we will learn about each other. Finally you will grant me a boon and say I can take anything and begone. And in my insolence I will tell you I want you to resalt the nuts. You will then cast me into Africa and I will take a month to make it back to Florida. Will you be gone by then? Wait for me please.

5/27/2017

Fashioned Statements

Email Sent in by Cara:

Dear Cara,

I love the e-mail you sent. If it is okay with you I will print it out several times and paste it all over my body and wear it as clothes today. "But Jason" (you ask) "how will you paste all these pages to your self?" I say I will use tape and you say it will not work on the skin. You are corright! Instead I will use honey. Honey is sweet and sticky and golden and rotten. It will do! Now I go a pasting! Paste paste paste paste paste. Your e-mail will be my clothes!

Stay tight,
Jason

5/26/2017

The Gift That Keeps on Misgiving

Story Sent in by Lisa:

Joel brought me to a book fair. I found a book I wanted and he was nice enough to buy it for me. We had a good rest of the day but when I finally made it home I realized that I didn't have the book he had purchased for me. I checked my car, my yard, my apartment, but I just couldn't find it.

I called Joel to ask him if he had maybe taken it by mistake. He said he had it and that he had taken it on purpose to make sure there'd be a second date.

I told him, "That's sweet I guess, but you didn't have to take something of mine to make sure I'd see you again."

He laughed and said, "I bought it for you. It's mine."

I said, "If I bought you something and gave it to you, by the definition of 'gift,' it would be yours. Not mine. That's what a gift is."

He said, "Then I guess it's a gift for both of us."

I told him I had hoped to start reading it that night and he said I was welcome to go over to his place to read it as much as I wanted to as long as I left it there. Instead I ordered it off Amazon and never spoke to Joel again.

5/25/2017

Pop Goes the Date

Story Sent in by Jose:

I had talked to Nicole online and we made plans for a date. We were to meet in a park not far from my apartment. I arrived first and sat on a bench and waited.

I was there for about 15 minutes when all of a sudden there was a huge bang behind me. I shouted, jumped away from the bench, and turned around.

There was Nicole with the remnants of a balloon she had just popped. "Surprise!" she said.

I yelled, "Why the hell did you do that?" I was really upset. Who does that? A little kid?

She cried, "I was just trying to make you laugh!" and then ran away.

I picked up the balloon bits from the ground (I hate litter) and threw them away before heading home. I consider myself lucky, truth be told. What if we lived together? Or we had kids? Is that how she'd wake up her family in the morning?

5/24/2017

Pop Down Video

Story Sent in by Harriet:

I tried online dating a few times and one of those times I met Nick. We set up a date and from the moment I met him in person, he had his phone out and he was taking video.

I asked, "Why are you videoing this?"

He said, "It'll make a beautiful record for our children."

I said, "Um, okay. Can you put it away?"

He replied, "And risk missing out on a single moment? No."

We went for ice cream and he took video the entire time, circling me from every angle as I ordered my ice cream, sat down, and ate with him. After I was finished I told him, "I'm going. Bye."

He followed me for a bit with his camera and then switched it off once I made it back to my car. He waved goodbye and blew me kisses as I left. Weirdo.

5/23/2017

What's Upchuck?

Story Sent in by John:

When I was out to dinner with Jo, she complained of a sour stomach. She had mentioned it before we ate and I asked her if she wanted to go home or maybe grab an antacid from a pharmacy. She turned me down on all fronts and so I let her know that if she needed to leave at any point, it was all right with me.

Shortly after the food arrived she left the table for a little while. When she came back she looked pale but she said, "I feel a lot better. I threw up."

I again told her, "You really don't have to stay out if you're not feeling well."

She insisted on sticking around for the meal. The bill came, we split it, and then she seemed in a big hurry to leave before me. I guessed that she still wasn't feeling 100%. We had driven there separately and so I'm she she found her way back to her car and drove herself home with no problem.

When I made it back to my car, I found that someone had puked all over the hood. I instantly thought of Jo, then told myself it had to be a coincidence. But I texted her to ask her, joking at first, "Did you throw up on my hood? Because someone puked all over it. :)"

In response, she texted me back a photo of my hood covered in puke. Putting the pieces together, I realized that not only did she puke on my car, she had actually taken a photo of the deed for some reason. I asked her, "Why would you do that?"

She didn't reply. First and last date.

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