A Long Way of Saying, "Move Along"

Profile Sent in by Trey:

About me:

This is the part of the profile where I'm supposed to make you want to know more about me but I have decided that if you wanted to know more about me you wouldn't be on this site and that works because if you really wanted to know me you would know me by now and if you knew me by now you would know if you wanted to date me or not and if you knew that you wanted to date me you would have asked me out and I would have said yes or no and based on your request I would make a decision and we would either be dating or not dating so you see it seems pointless to even have a profile on a dating site because if you knew me you'd know me and if you didn't you wouldn't but do not take my word for it and if you want more information about it then please send a self addressed stamped envelope to don't have a cow man po box 116980 fort lauderdale florida 33312.


Why Vegetarians Happen

Email Sent in by Inez:


I love that you are slim. A slim woman is the best woman. Not because they are non fat (everyone has fat sorry) but because they are crunchy in the gristle. What do you think?



Circles and Squares

Story Sent in by Leesa:

At the end of a pretty decent date with Jeff, he handed me a copy of Dante's Inferno. He said, "I give this to all my dates. You'll find out why soon enough."

I thanked him although I was a little confused. When I brought it home I discovered that it was in Italian. I don't speak or read Italian and when he called me the next day to ask if I had read it yet, I told him that I didn't know Italian but perhaps he could recommend a good English translation.

His response was to scream into the phone and then hang up. I've kept the book as a souvenir from that whole weird experience.


The Naked Truth

Story Sent in by Abe:

One of the first questions out of Molly on our first date was, "Are you one of those guys who likes seeing women naked?"

I told her the unblemished truth: "Yes."

She sighed and said, "That's too bad. I was hoping you were different."

I said, "I wasn't expecting to go that far tonight. But most guys I know like that sort of thing."

She said, "Not the guys I know. Sorry."

We never went out again. Oh well.


Fry Away

Story Sent in by Michele:

I was out to dinner with Dave and he ordered some French fries and some beer. When they arrived he drenched his fries in beer. As in he literally poured the beer all over the fries. He then sang a song that sounded like, "Beer for my fries, fries for my beer, love me some beer, love me some fries. Beer for my fries, fries for my beer, love me some beer..." and then he gobbled up all the fries as fast as he could.

When he saw my shocked face he said, "Well I don't want them getting too soggy before I eat them. That would be gross."

Then he launched back into his song. After a little while of singing it I asked him, "Can you stop singing? I get the point."

He said, "Why don't you order some beer and fries and try it out?"

I replied, "No, thank you."

He said, "Then our business is settled," and he up and left.


Mail and Female

Story Sent in by Damien:

The Saturday morning of my date with Elise, she called me in a panic. "Can you get to 55 Hillock Street in Masonville right now?" We weren't due to meet for about 40 minutes but she sounded really upset. I asked her what was wrong and she told me I'd find out when I arrived.

When I arrived I found her with her arm stuck in one of those blue mailboxes. She said, "I sent something I shouldn't have sent and I tried to fish it out and now I'm stuck."

It would've been comical if she wasn't so deadly serious about the whole thing. I asked her why she didn't call 911 and she said that they'd send the police and she'd get in trouble. Fair enough. Why not call a friend or family member? She said they'd ask her what was in the letter she had sent and they'd think much less of her if they found out. And she feared being late for our date so... apparently that left me.

I couldn't remove her from the mailbox. I went to a nearby pharmacy and bought some Vaseline and brought it back to her in the hopes that it would help her remove her arm. It didn't.

I kept asking her if I could call for help and she kept yelling at me not to. After a little less than an hour of shifting back and forth, she removed her arm from the mailbox and I hoped we could continue with the date.

However, she reminded me that she wanted to take back the letter she had sent. She decided to wait at the mailbox for the mail carrier to come by so that she could beg to take it back. I was done with her at that point so I wished her luck and went on my way. I hope it worked out.


The Long and Snort of It

Story Sent in by Julianne:

Early in my college career I went on a dating site and met Joe. After a few messages we met for our first date, lunch at a sidewalk cafe near my school.

We chatted for about five minutes when he pulled his backpack onto his lap and asked me, "Guess what I've got in here!"

I guessed, "Books? Papers? A laptop?"

He laughed and said, "No," then opened up his bag - again, right in the middle of a sidewalk cafe, a public place - and pulled out a handful of little freezer bags with white powder in them.

"Cocaine!" he announced with a big smile. "Want some?"

I said, trying to restrain my shock, "No, thanks."

He put the bags away like he was just trying to sell me chocolate bars or something. Last date.

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