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But I Burst with Gooey Nougat

Story Sent in by Cheri:

Blake was an unfortunate blind date who I met up with in a hotel parking lot (his idea). We ate at the hotel restaurant during which he mercilessly poked at his food with a fork while wearing the intent, bug-eyed look of a psycho killer.

I wanted to attempt conversation with him. I really did. But something in the way he repeatedly stabbed at his mashed red potatoes with a smirk gave me second thoughts. Still, I asked him the occasional question and he gave me the occasional answer.

Once he was done poking at his food, he looked up and asked me, "Are you chewy?"

" in Chewbacca?"

"As in chewy. You know. Chewy."

"I, um, I think I'm okay."


He paid the check when it arrived and then asked me if I wanted to go on a boat ride in the nearby harbor, where apparently boat rides were offered. I bowed out, went home, and double-checked that I locked the door behind me.


Dude, That's Ill

Story Sent in by Justin:

In the week leading up to my date with Winona, she told me that she had come down with a stomach bug and might have to cancel our date. I wished her well and stayed in touch with her throughout the week to see how she was feeling.

When the day of our date, a Friday, finally rolled around, she called to tell me that she felt up to going out. I asked her if she was sure, and she said that she was.

While we were out together, we ate a light dinner and took a short walk. During the walk, she hurried over to nearby bushes and threw up.

I felt awful for her and ran to a nearby store to grab her a cup of water and some napkins. She thanked me, apologized a few times, and I helped her back to her car so she could head home. Clearly she wasn't completely over her illness. I wished her well and hoped that we could perhaps meet up again.

I wrote her the following morning to ask how she was, and she didn't reply all day. I called her in the evening to ask her, and she didn't pick up. I texted her the morning after that to ask how she was and she wrote back, "What do you want?"

I typed back, "I want to know you're okay. Are you?"

She said, "I don't know why you're writing me. You made me sick again."

I wrote back, "How did I do that?"

She replied, "It's your fault I threw up. You made me sick. I'm done talking about it and I'm done talking to you."

That was nice to hear. I figured she was just crazy and I moved on.


Happy for Your Loss

Story Sent in by Myrtle:

At our first date lunch, Eric handed me a card. I thought it was sweet of him to give it to me until I opened it up and saw that it was a sympathy card.

"Why a sympathy card?" I asked him. To my knowledge, no one I knew had died that recently.

He said, "For your loss. Didn't you experience a loss recently?"


He thought for a second and asked, "Are you sure?"


He thought a bit more then said, "Hang onto it. You'll experience another loss sometime soon." He must have read my reaction, because he quickly cut in with, "I mean, relatively speaking. I mean, someday we're all going to experience more loss. It's just inevitable. Just hang onto it until then and once it happens think of me."

I still didn't have a response for him, and he dug himself in a bit further with, "After lunch, if it'll help you feel better, you can go buy me a sympathy card so we can be even."

I did nothing of the sort, but at least once more during the meal he said, "You hang onto that card. It'll remind you of me someday. Promise."

I threw the card out less than an hour after the date. Now that I'm writing about the experience I guess I've proved him right.


On Your Knees

Story Sent in by Terrence:

One October, I arranged a first date with Alisha. I was usually out of work early on Fridays, and so I asked her if we could meet on a Friday. She then requested the forthcoming Thursday, instead. That also worked and we made it a definite.

I waited outside a restaurant to meet her. She shuffled over to me, down the sidewalk... on her knees. She had knee pads and a pink ribbon on and tottered over, finally looking up at me and saying, "Hi, Terrence!"

"Hi... why are you on your knees?"

"Breast cancer awareness. For 24 hours. I'm sponsored."

I asked, "Why did you want to meet up today? Moving around will likely be... a little awkward."

She said, "I can walk just fine. Just not on my feet. Is it going to embarrass you?"

It wasn't going to, at least I didn't think it would. But no one else was walking around on their knees, and I had a weird feeling that everyone who watched us enter the restaurant thought that I had made her do it or something like that. To her credit, she informed the hostess and the waitress that it was for breast cancer awareness. Still, I suppose it was a little embarrassing.

At dinner, she was impassioned about her personal experience, how two of her friends had been diagnosed, and how important it was for her to raise money for the cause. I was moved, and even though she didn't ask, I ultimately gave her $10 to support her efforts.

Her eyes lit up when I gave her the money and she thanked me. Was she a little too eager?

The answer came after we paid for dinner. Once the check had been paid, she stood up on her own two feet, said, "So long," and practically ran out.

I thought about chasing her down, but decided she wasn't worth it. After all, I wasn't about to beat her up for $10. Leave that to someone else.


Tension and Abstention

Story Sent in by Trin:

My date with Alex actually went well. So well in fact that when we sat down pond-side after dinner and he went for a kiss, I was all too happy to enjoy one with him.

After several moments of bliss, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I know this'll sound weird, but I feel like I've known you for a long time."

He wasn't too far off. After all, we had spoken online for five weeks before meeting in person. It was a little strange to have just met him for the first time and yet know a lot about him.

"I know what you mean," I agreed.

He said, "It's like I've slept with you a dozen times, already."

Cue record player screech. Then he said, "Which we can totally do whenever you want. But preferably soon. I've been abstaining all week, if you know what I mean."

I said as gently as possible, "You might be looking at abstaining for a little while longer."

He replied, "Oh, great. I should've guessed you were one of those nun-girls."


"Yeah," he said, then stood up and brushed himself off. "Ready to go?"

I was. He walked me back to my car and didn't try anything, but he did say, "Maybe being less selfish will help you in the future."

"I could say the same," I retorted, but he was already off, doubtless headed home for a long night of breaking his abstention over and over and over again.