1/23/2017

Fishful Thinking

Story Sent in by Buck:

Lindsey and I met at a fair that five local churches put on. We talked a lot that day and I got her number so we went out on an actual dinner date.

I ordered a salad with salmon on it and she clearly didn't think too highly of my choice. She asked, "How can you eat fish? Isn't that like eating God?"

I said, "Not unless God's a fish."

She said, "Jesus's symbol is a fish. The pope's ring is called the fisherman's ring. Jesus was a fish. It says so in the bible."

I asked, "Can you show me where it says that?"

She said, "After dinner. I'll show you."

She didn't mention it again and we finished dinner and then I asked her about it. She said, "I promise you: Jesus and God are fishes. Their symbols are the fish. Praise fish!"

I didn't join her fishy praises and we didn't go out ever again.

1/22/2017

Rock Off

Profile Sent in by Mason:

About Me:

I talk to rocks. Started when I got a pet rock in 6th grade and went explosive from there. Now I have around 600 rocks in my bedroom alone. My parents say I will cave through the floor any minute now but their bedroom is under mine so who will be laughing? Wait and see.

1/21/2017

Westweird

Emails Sent in by Andrea:

(Andrea says, "I went on a date with Tony then received the following email:)

Hi Andrea,

I do not think we are a good match. I am not interested in dating robots. Not to say you are a robot but your wiring gave it away. Can you also smell the sounds of burnt metal around you. A clear robot giveaway. I know that have made robots that look like people and they are living among us but I cannot have children with one and so I am sorry. Maybe you can tell whoever built you that until they make robots that can actually make babies with people they will always be left behind. How long do you have to live? I would be curious to know that before I stop talking to you forever.

Tony.

*

Hi Tony,

I was really hoping that you wouldn't notice my secret but I guess that was dishonest of me. I am sorry. We're built to last for at least 200 years. Some newer models can last up to 225 without being serviced. How long is the average human lifespan? Shorter? Longer? We just want to know for curiosity's sake.

Andrea

*

OHMYGOD!!!! I didn't think you'd write back!!! Thought you were in some secret program or something. Wowww. What do you mean we? How many are you? Can you answer these questions? I don't want to get you in trouble but if you really are a robot can you tell me how many you are and who built you? Thank you thank you thank you!!

*

Hi Tony,

You'll find out the answers to your questions soon. At the same time as everyone else does. Very, very soon.

Andrea

*

Whaaaaaaaat?

1/20/2017

Yum

Story Sent in by Magda:

When Frank took me out for ice cream he ordered rum raisin and pistachio together. Then he winked and asked me, "You know why I got those two flavors together, right?"

I hadn't a clue. I said, "Because you like rum raisin and pistachio?"

He leaned in closer and purred, "You know what rum raisin and pistachio are supposed to taste like when mixed, right?"

"No."

Then he said far louder than he needed to, "Vadge!"

"Okay. Enjoy."

He downed that ice cream faster than it took you to read this sentence. And that was my only date with him.

1/19/2017

My Own Third Wheel

Story Sent in by Jason:

Moira talked a lot about her most recent ex on our date. It wasn't a constant topic but she brought him up often enough to make me think that she wasn't really over him. She even showed me pictures of the two of them together - a dead giveaway that I was right.

As we ate and afterward walked around she'd say occasional little things like, "Tim would eat like this," or "Tim would look at me like this when I ate," and so she clearly wasn't over him.

At one point we walked across a street together and when we made it to the other side she asked me why I didn't take her hand. "Tim would always take my hand," she told me.

I finally told her the thing I had been fighting telling her the entire time: "I'm sorry I'm not Tim."

She stopped walking and looked shocked. "You're not? All this time I thought you were! Impostor!" and then she took off back across the street without waiting for me. I had guessed she had had enough of me not being Tim. And to be honest I had had enough of her.

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