8/30/2016

But Is It a Man?

Story Sent in by Marni:

Tom picked me up for our date at my house with a small bouquet of flowers and a half dozen mylar balloons. One of the balloons said, "It's a boy!" another said, "It's a girl!" another said, "Congrats, grad!" and another said, "I'm sorry."

"What's the occasion?" I had to ask him.

He said, "I thought you'd like them. Plus they were on sale. They're festive. Ready to go?"

I thought it was kind of funny until we actually had dinner. He pointed to the vegetarian options on my menu and said, "Would you mind going veggie for the night? Those entrees are usually a lot cheaper."

I was likely going to order a vegetable entree anyway but all the same I decided to have some fun with him. I asked him if he wanted to order appetizers. Maybe chicken wings or...

"No!" he said a bit too firmly. Okay then.

The check came and he hemmed and hawed about it quite a bit before finally paying. I offered to pay but he rebuffed me. So at least that was thoughtful.

When he dropped me back off at my house he said, "I think I might have given you one of the balloons by accident. Would it be okay if I had one back?"

I asked, "Which one?" thinking that he might have legitimately meant to give a particular (and apropos) balloon to someone else.

"Any of them," he said.

I laughed, went inside, and came back with the "It's a boy!" one. As I put it into his car he said, "I figured you'd choose that one. Good night."

He took off and I never saw him again.

8/29/2016

Signing Death Warrants Is a Tricky Business

Story Sent in by Hal:

I took Peggy out to a nice pub for dinner. After some chitchat she reached into her purse, pulled out a folded paper, and handed it to me. I unfolded it and it was two signatures.

"Which do you like better?" she asked.

They were both her name and they both looked alike. I told her I liked the one on the right more and she took the paper and put it away.

After a drink and some food she handed me the paper again and asked me which one I liked more. I told her, "I already told you I liked the one on the right."

She said, "I know, but after a drink I want to see if that's changed."

After we spoke for a little longer she took out the paper and showed the server. He said he liked the one on the left better.

Peggy was really upset at that and told me, "I have to decide by tomorrow and an even number of people like each one!"

"How many people did you ask?"

"Two."

I said, "They both look the same. Why does it matter?"

She said, "Lives are at stake. That's all I can say."

She said it with utmost seriousness. It was all too weird for me so after we called it a night I never asked her out again. But I did email her a day or two later just because I was so curious. I asked her if she had ended up picking the right one.

She wrote back, "Yes! :) TTYL."

That was it.

8/28/2016

Unwet Wit

Profile Sent in by Charles:

About me:

I am one of those few people who love doing laundry. In any given day you can see me folding, unfolding, wettening, and unwettening clothes. Guys love me as I will do their laundry for them for free. The payment is its own reward so they say. Most guys I know hate doing their own laundry so let me put my hands in your pants and I will launder the clothes like never before! You should also know I eat lots of shellfish so if you have an allergy then let me know ahead so I will not eat any that day in case my shellfishy hands touch your clothes. Thank you.

8/27/2016

And Was it Chunky?

Email Sent in by Donald:

Hi:

My you are a PEST. I didn't email you for what a day? And I find 12 EMAILS FROM YOU??? WTF>!!! I will Write back when I WANT TO WRITE BAXK. I AM NOT AT YOUR BECK AND CALL.

I rode the horse like you asked. I had a great time! Thanks for recommending Valeport. But I have to tell you that if you write me one more email that I will go crazy!!! Seriously dude you will want to wait for me to write back. I don't hang out at my email all day but I will write back when I can.

Sorry if I am harsh. When did you last ride the horse?

Emma


*

(Donald says, "I'm pretty sure she meant to send this to someone else. I never wrote to this woman in my life.")

8/26/2016

Nothing to Hide, Believe What I Say

Story Sent in by Amy:

In college I met up with my date Eddie in a park. When he first saw me he said, "I'm a hugger. It cool if we hug?"

I said, "Okay..." and he hugged me. Close and tight. He didn't let go.

I pushed him away but still he held on. I shoved at him and he didn't let go but laughed hysterically. We were in public for God's sake! He hung on until I smashed a fist against the side of his head.

He staggered back but then came at me with a smile and open arms again. I backed away and ran off. I think he gave up chasing me after a few moments but I didn't stop until I had made it at least a half mile away.

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