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3/05/2015

Walk This Sway

Story Sent in by Alejandro:

Desiree wore a really short skirt on our date. It was so short that she kept both of her hands on it to prevent it from flying up as we walked around. She also swayed from side to side as she walked, shuffling back and forth like a penguin.

When we were done with dinner we took a walk and she did some more of that serious back-and-forth swaying. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I said, "What's with the funny walking?"

She said, "I have a physical condition. A vestibular disorder."

I instantly felt pretty awful. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

She then straightened up and said, "Just kidding. Asshole." She then fast-walked away from me without swaying at all. That was my only date with Desiree.



3/04/2015

Short and Stout, Thrown Right Out

Story Sent in by Stephanie:

Ray invited me to his apartment for our second date. He made me dinner and afterward he put some tea on the burner. While we waited for it to boil he popped in a movie.

A couple of minutes later he excused himself to use his bathroom. While he was gone, his teapot whistled. I went into the kitchen, turned off the range, and poured us some tea.

He emerged from the bathroom and found me in the kitchen. He asked, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Pouring us tea."

He said, "I told you I'd do it."

I said, "It was whistling while you were in the bathroom. It's okay. We're all set."

He then grabbed the teapot and threw it out his window. As in through the actual glass to the parking lot below. I screamed. He sat down with his tea like nothing at all was wrong. He didn't even react.

I grabbed my stuff and ran out as if he was a psycho killer. I don't know if anyone heard the commotion and called the police or anything. I just wanted out.

The next day, he actually wrote me an email to tell me he had a good time with me and wanted to hang out again. I deleted it and never replied.

3/03/2015

Probably the Smell

Story Sent in by Armando:

I wore black dress shoes on my first date with Shelly because I wanted to look like I cared about how I looked. Only a few minutes after we met we were sitting on a park bench and she looked at my shoes and asked, "What are you wearing?"

"Dress shoes," I said.

"Yeah, but ladies' dress shoes? Why?" she asked.

I was not wearing ladies' dress shoes. I was wearing shoes I had definitely bought from the men's department. They were sized for a man. They were men's shoes. I said, "These are men's shoes."

She said, "Says who? Dame Edna? They're clearly women's shoes!"

I pulled one off and showed her the size number inside the shoe. "This is a men's 11. Sorry."

She said, "Put it back on at once! Your foot stinks!"

She was too far away to smell it but whatever. I put the men's dress shoe back on. She said, "Follow me. I want to show you something."

She led me to a nearby shoe store. We went inside, she looked around, and showed me a black high heel. "These are your shoes," she said.

I was not wearing black high heels. "Those are women's shoes," I told her.

"Right. Exactly what you're wearing."

Tired of her crap, I approached a salesman and asked him, "Could you settle something for us?" I showed him my shoes and said, "Are these men's shoes or women's shoes?"

"Men's," he said without hesitation.

Shelly looked really upset and she stormed out of the store. I followed her out and she raved at me for having "planted" the salesman and that I "always had to be right." She also said I was "Just like the U.S. Congress," whatever that meant. At that point I considered the date over and I went home to eat leftovers.

3/02/2015

Darkest Harvest

Story Sent in by Alma:

Kevin asked me in an email before our date, "What are you doing for Darkharvest?"

I had never heard of "Darkharvest" before and I couldn't find any info about it online. I asked him, "What's Darkharvest?"

He replied, "A holiday I made up."

Well that explained it. I replied, "I have no specific plans for it. Can you tell me more about it?"

In his following message he ignored my question and so I just shrugged it off as a character quirk. That turned out to be a mistake.

We met in person at a nice Italian restaurant in a nearby town. He was dressed all in black: black pants, black button-down, and a black necktie. At first I wondered if he was impersonating a waiter or a stagehand or something similar. But no. He was dressed the way he was because...

"It's for Darkharvest," he said as we sat, "That holiday I was telling you about."

He went on to tell me that Darkharvest commemorated the particular day during which in three different years, people close to him had died. He said, "It's no coincidence. Darkharvest is cursed and I mean to appease whatever it is that has cursed my family."

Already guessing the answer before I asked, I said, "When is Darkharvest?"

He said, "Today. It's why I'm dressed like this. I'm surprised you aren't dressed for the occasion. I told you when it was."

He hadn't, and I reminded him of that. But he simply didn't hear it and went on about the three deaths he meant to commemorate. I asked him how he commemorated the dead and he said, "I think about them a lot and I chant. I can't believe you didn't even dress for it. You know how important this is to me."

I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You never explained it to me before now. You just told me it was a holiday you made up."

He said, "When you say it like that you make it sound stupid. I know three dead people who would disagree."

Surrendering, I told him that I didn't mean to make it sound stupid and that I was sorry for his three losses. He then took that as an excuse to fill me in all about them: two grandparents and an aunt. He droned on and on about them and how important they were and how one of them "invented cell phone technology" and another one was "on the team that invented automatic transmission technology." He said, "Someone or something cursed them and they all died on the same day within five years of each other."

I asked, "Who do you think cursed them."

"Don't know. Probably a dark sorcerer. The only thing powerful enough."

I said, "Wow. I'll keep my eye out for any."

"Thanks."

I asked, "So how will you appease a dark sorcerer?"

He said, "I don't know. I'm not a paladin or magical knight, yet. Right now it's more mental magic. Just thinking about them and chanting. If you could change into something black, that would be a really nice expression of solidarity."

I didn't have a change of clothes with me because I was on a first date. I told him I didn't have any other outfits.

He asked, "Are you maybe wearing a black bra? Even that would count."

I said, "I'm not."

He asked, "Could you maybe just say you are?"

"But I'm not."

It was then that I noticed one of his hands straying down his lap and rubbing a certain area. He said again, "Just say you are. Say you are."

I stood up and said, "You know what? I do have something black to put on, out in my car. I'll be right back."

Was I right back? Or back at all? Nope.

3/01/2015

Lazy Is as Lazy Does

Profile Sent in by Josie:

First Date

Dinner & movie is so overdone. Why do so many women like dinner & movie? I'll tell you why. Because it enables them to eat and be lazy and I am no enabler. Instead we will work on my date. We will drive out of town and find a place to pick apples or boysenberries (that is a real berry look it up) and you will pick me fruit. No lazing about on my dates. I'm surrounded by all the lazy womenfolk I need. I want us to work. Once the picking is finished we will see who has worked the most and the most hard worker between us two will receive a prize.

The prize will be a thing of my choosing and I make no promises as to what it is. Something involving a physical activity because if you are reading this you are already probably too lazy. Maybe dinner & a movie.