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11/22/2014

But Not Amazing Enough

Story Sent in by Paul:

Before our date, Maria emailed to say that a friend of hers was in town and that she wanted to say a quick hello to him while she and I were out together. "Maybe the three of us can all hang out for a little while," were her exact words.

It was an unusual request but she made it clear that this was the only time she'd be able to see him. She also seemed really apologetic about it. I didn't see the harm in hanging out with this guy for a little while, especially if it would make Maria happy and make me come across as non-threatened.

For the first part of our date, I took her to a neighborhood bakery with amazing treats. We had a great time and we laughed and she even touched me every now and again when we spoke, which I guessed meant that she felt comfortable with me. So I was feeling pretty good.

Then her phone rang and she picked up. It was apparently her friend. She said, "He's on his way. Let's go outside and meet him."

I followed her out and we talked for a bit longer. Then the guy pulled up and rolled down his window. He said to her, "You ready?"

She said, "Yeah!" then jumped into the passenger side of his car and they sped off without a word to me. So I was feeling pretty less-than-good. Never heard from her again.



11/21/2014

Darkest Chocolate

Story Sent in by Clara:

James reached out to me over Match.com and we went out for a first date. While at dinner, he pulled out a blue Tiffany box and slid it across the table at me.

I was floored. "You bought me something from Tiffany!?" I was absolutely not expecting such a gesture.

"Just open it," he said.

I did. Within was a thin layer of white tissue paper covered in a sticky brown substance. It smelled like chocolate, but whatever it was had melted all over the inside of the box.

"Oh no!" he said, sounding really upset, "It melted!"

Surprised that he had attempted to give me chocolate in a Tiffany box, I still felt bad. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. But the thought was really sweet."

He said, "It was in my car all day. Stupid me. It was a chocolate dick."

I thought I misheard him at first. "A chocolate–?"

"Dick. Chocolate in the shape of a man's dick. I'm really sorry it melted."

James and I had flirted, but I hadn't expected something so raunchy or forward.

Then he said, "You can probably freeze it and enjoy your dick, all the same. You can lap it up, like a dog lapping up a man's dick."

I asked, "How would you know if dogs do that?"

"I wouldn't," he snapped, "Here, give it to me. I'll fix it."

I was only too eager to hand the box of melted chocolate back to him. He then stuck his tongue into it and licked the chocolate out, all around it. He said, "See? Now it's like I'm licking a chocolate vagina. It's even in a box and everything."

It sure was. Thanks for the demo, James. And for the one and only date.

11/20/2014

Ass Machine Is a Great Band Name

Story Sent in by Nelson:

I was seated with Janis at a coffee shop when she handed me her latte and asked me to try it. I did. It tasked like a latte.

She said, "It tastes like pure ass, doesn't it?"

I didn't think so and said, "It tastes how I expected it to. If you don't like it, let them know."

She stood up and obtained a replacement latte. When she sat back down and tried it, she said, "Now it's too hot."

"Wait for it to cool down."

She did and then she drank some and said, "This one tastes even ass-ier."

"Maybe there's something wrong with their latte machine."

"You mean their ass machine," she said. She went back up to the counter and returned with yet another latte.

When she finally tried the third one, she said, "Blah. This one is the ass-iest. Try it."

I tried a sip. It was fine and I told her so.

She then said, "Then maybe you're the one making it taste like ass."

I replied, "I don't see how that's possible, as you complain of its taste each time before I try it."

She nodded seriously and said, "Then it's the proximity to you or something. I come here all the time and this is the first time it's tasted this ass-y. You definitely have ass-mouth."

"Explain how my proximity makes a latte taste bad."

She shrugged. "Whatever. It's yours. Enjoy it."

I did. We sat in silence for a few minutes until she started swabbing the inside of her cheek with her finger and sniffing it. She did it at least a dozen times. I asked her what she was doing.

"I'm checking my mouth, but it's fine. How are you enjoying my latte?"

"It's great," I said.

"Will you pay me for that one, since you're drinking it and I paid for it?"

"No."

"Okay."

She stood and left me sitting there without explanation. But at least I had a free latte, along with my purported ass-mouth.

11/19/2014

No Waaaaay

Story Sent in by Rachel:

We were in a booth at a bar. It was my first date with Alex. We had both drank some and I had a good buzz going on. He then leaned in close enough to kiss and said, "Tell me a secret."

I told him, "I slept with one of my high school teachers. After I graduated."

He said, "Gross. My turn: I made out with someone elderly. Multiple times."

"How elderly?" I asked.

"Way elderly. Waaaaaaaay eldery. Essentially dead."

That made me waaaaaaaaay uneasy. "How elderly?"

"Don't get grossed out. It was her idea. She was still hot. Some women are, at that age."

"What age?"

"I dunno. Like 85. Maybe 86. She begged for it. For all I know, she might've been your grandma! Wouldn't that be something? You two sort of smell similar."

Nothing like that sort of conversation to flash-sober me up. I forgot exactly what I said, but I excused myself and left for my car.

11/18/2014

Dancing with Fire

Story Sent in by Rob:

Pauline was a dance instructor I met online. I didn't dance much myself, but we seemed to have plenty otherwise in common. On the day of our first date, she asked that I meet her at her studio after work. She said she'd leave the main door open for me so I could walk right in.

When I entered, the lights were all on but there wasn't sign of Pauline. I called for her and looked in the two studios, but she wasn't about. Thinking she may have stepped out for a moment, I waited.

After 15 minutes, I called her and left a message. I said I was at the studio and was patiently awaiting her arrival.

I planned to wait for about five more minutes (maybe she was taking a colossal dump?) when she walked in through the front door... with another guy.

She looked at me wide-eyed for several seconds. Did she recognize me? I told her who I was and reminded her that we had plans to meet that very night. The guy stared me down, then stormed by without a word, entered a dance studio, and shut off the lights. He then started taking off his clothes.

Pauline said to me, "You have to leave."

"But we had plans."

She kicked off her shoes and pulled off her socks. She also took off her jacket and started unbuttoning her sweater. She made her way to the dark studio where the guy was.

"You have to leave," she said again, then closed the door to the studio and locked it behind her. The door had a window in it and she drew a blind closed over it.

I wasn't interested in waiting around to hear Pauline and her chosen date go at it. But I did want revenge. So I pushed open the front door and let it shut, to make Pauline think that I had left.

After several minutes of listening to the unmistakable sounds of erotic moans, I sneaked to the locked studio door, pounded on it, and yelled, "Fire! Fire! Oh my God! Fire!" and then bolted out as fast as my legs would carry me. Who knows if it freaked her out or not? It was satisfying, so at least the night wasn't a total loss.