4/26/2017

The Mad Shatter

Story Sent in by Krista:

I was on a decent date with Allen and he was nice and all but kind of weird. We were seated in a booth by a window and he kept looking outside as if he was expecting someone. In the middle of dinner he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

As I watched through the window, he went outside and pounded on my car window as if he was trying to break it. I jumped out of my seat immediately and ran outside to ask him what he was doing.

He looked shocked, as if he wasn't expecting anyone, least of all me, to confront him. He then ran for his own car and drove away, leaving me with the check. At least I still have my unbroken car windows, I guess.

4/25/2017

Pee as the Wind Blows

Story Sent in by Don:

Audrey and I were on a hike. We had been dating for a little over a month. She had insisted on bringing her little brother, Abe, along. He was 15 and was... socially awkward to say the least. He was loud and obnoxious and made the entire hike a disruptive affair. I had driven us all there together and as much as I didn't want to spend the day with Abe in tow, I put up with him as best I could for Audrey's sake.

It was a weekend so there were several other people out on the trail. At one point Abe said he had to go to the bathroom and so I assumed he'd just go into the trees to do his business. Instead he waited until we passed a couple and Abe whipped out his junk and tried to pee all over them.

They shouted and ran off (thank goodness - it might have come to blows in other circumstances) and I yelled at Abe. "What's wrong with you, you stupid jerk?"

Abe then screamed at me and Audrey held him close. She shouted at me, "What's your problem? He didn't hurt anybody!"

I couldn't believe it. This guy had just exposed himself and tried to pee all over two strangers and yet somehow I was the bad guy. I was so angry at Audrey and Abe both that I stormed away and left them there. Let them find their own way home with those winning personalities.

4/24/2017

The Inflationary Universe

Story Sent in by Martie:

I was out to dinner at a BBQ place with Gene. We both had ordered chicken and were enjoying our meals when he asked me if I had ever blown up any chickens.

I asked, "Blown up... as in with dynamite?"

He said, "Sure. Or whatever else."

"No. I think that would be cruel."

"Oh," he said, then became really quiet.

After a too-long silence I asked him, "Why do you ask?"

He said, "I'm glad I asked. It's okay. I'll come up with something different for us to do, instead."

I put my dinner down, as my appetite was lost. I said, "You were actually going to take me to do that?"

He shrugged, "I have everything we need in my trunk. You think about it and let me know."

Yeah... no. First and last date.

4/23/2017

So Why Aren't You Taken?

Profile Sent in by Grace:

About me:

Favorite movie: Star Trek Wrath Of Kahn, Anger Managagement
Favorite song: Psycho Killer
Least favorite person: everybody
Favorite person: uhh.......
Thing I love most: nothing
Thing I hate most: everything

4/22/2017

He Sleeps With the Angles

Email Sent in by Christian:

So u think u are a man Christian well do u!!!! I want to go out again with u (canding maybe>) but first u need to tell me if u are with the angles or the dark angels. Everyone is born with the stain and now u have to decide which side u are on. Last three guys I dated - dark angels all even though they said at first they were angels. I do not know which one u are but I trust u. The four guys ago guy I dated was an angel and now he is an actual angel and I miss him every day RIP PETE LOVE U!!!!! When u tell me which u are then we can see what happens!!!!!

Betsy

4/21/2017

Dog Meet

Story Sent in by Lewis:

I had what I would call a great first date with Caryn. We spoke afterward for several days straight and for all intents and purposes, it seemed like she wanted to see me again. I arranged to pick her up at her house that coming Saturday evening.

On my way there she texted to let me know that her front door was open and that I should let myself in. I parked my car in front of her place and did just that.

When I entered her living room, I heard a bark, a growl, and a huge brown dog barreled straight for me. I bolted to the front door and escaped within seconds of very possibly losing a limb (or worse). The barking on the other side of the door was relentless and I pulled out my phone to text Caryn a "why-didn't-you-tell-me-about-your-killer-dog" text when I heard her yell from the other side of the door, "Did you get him, boy? No?"

And then she opened the door. "Get him!" she ordered her hell-beast. I barely made it back to my car with my life. The dog snarled at me from outside the car as Caryn laughed from her porch. I gave her the finger and drove away. She never contacted me to explain her actions. I'm not sure if she had any idea as to the size of the lawsuit she avoided.

4/20/2017

Why I Only Eat Egg Rolls With a Knife

Story Sent in by Jessica:

I went on a date recently with a guy I met on OkCupid. We had a pretty high match percentage and he seemed nice enough, so hey, why not?

We talked for a while and he was totally normal and we had some common interests, etc. I'm very clear on my dating profile that I'm not interested in casual sex. I arrived at the Chinese restaurant and the first thing I noticed was that he looked nothing like his photos. I seriously don't know if maybe he used pictures of a younger, better-looking brother or what the deal was, but he wasn't what I signed up for. But whatever, I had already taken a cab all the way out there and at the very least I figured maybe I could make a new friend out of the situation.

So we sat down and ordered some appetizers. Our egg rolls came out and I was about halfway through with mine when I realized he was staring at me.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

He broke out into a huge grin and said, "I was just thinking that that egg roll is about the same shape and size as my dick. So when you put your mouth on it, I can kinda picture what you would look like blowing me."

Needless to say, I didn't finish my egg roll. I got up and spoke to the hostess and asked for my half of the check and for my entree to go. I went back to the table to wait for my food and my cab home and my lovely date asked me probing questions about my sexual preferences and history.

Our entrees came out and mine was in a box. My date looked perplexed. I explained that I was waiting for my cab, had paid for my meal to go, and that he was a complete and utter pig.

He then shouted, in the middle of the crowded restaurant, "Well, if you don't want people to make sexual comments to you, you shouldn't be ordering dick-shaped foods, you skank!"

I went home and enjoyed my non-phallic food with my cat and went to bed.

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