6/23/2017

Shake 'n Lake

(Heading to a film festival? What should you know? Click here to find out on Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Nicole:

There was a local lake I hadn't visited in years and Kris asked me on a picnic date there. I thought it was a sweet idea. I brought a salad and wine and he brought some homemade sandwiches.

When we sat down and he saw my salad he said, "Ugh! Salad! So boring!" and then he picked up the plastic container it was in and threw it into the lake!

"You go get that!" I demanded of him.

He made a big to-do about it but he eventually stripped down, jumped into the lake, grabbed my container, took his sandwiches back, and left me all alone.

6/22/2017

Brie Right Back

Story Sent in by Larry:

I thought it would be a nice gesture to take Eve out to a good restaurant for dinner. We sat down, she took one look at the menu, slammed it down, and said, "I want cheese!"

I pointed out, "I think that you can order the pasta with–"

"No! I want cheese now!" She grabbed her bag and made like she was really going to leave. We hadn't ordered anything yet so we hurried out and she went into a local 7-Eleven and grabbed a pack of individually-wrapped cheese slices, purchased them, and then chowed down on them before we even left the store.

By way of explanation she said, "Don't you sometimes get those weird cravings? Mmm, cheese!" How she loved that cheese.

After she gobbled it up (in less than a minute) she said, "All right! Date's over!" and she held out her hand to me like she wanted to slap me five. I didn't follow through. She shrugged and took off.

6/21/2017

Isn't That Basically Pepsi?

Story Sent in by Lyn:

I was out at a bar with Tyler on our date when he asked me what I liked to drink. I told him I liked orange juice, pomegranate juice, wine, and tea.

He then said, "You didn't mention the one thing I'm planning to give you later, but I'm sure it'll become a fast favorite."

I asked him, "And what's that?"

He replied, "Warm mouth-pee. I'll give you some later."

My face absolutely registered my disgust but he insisted, "If you haven't tried it before, you haven't tried it from me. Trust me: it'll become your favorite."

Uh... yeah. I beat a hasty exit and never saw him again.

6/20/2017

Found in Translation

Story Sent in by Nicholas:

I was in Japan for an academic conference when I met Marilyn. We discovered that we grew up within 10 miles of each other and even went to the same university. We had a lot more in common and so we stuck together for a lot of the time. Casual talking became flirting became kissing became her back in my hotel room.

When I woke the next morning, Marilyn and a lot of my paperwork were missing. I was in a near-panic and I called Marilyn only to have my calls go straight to voicemail. But moments later I received a text from her that said, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

I wrote her back and threatened that I would call the police and the conference organizers to report her conduct. She then wrote back, "Don't!!! I'll bring it to you at the hotel bar in 15 minutes."

I went to the bar. She never showed up. I wrote her, "Where are you?" and she wrote back, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

I reached out to the main conference organizer and gave her Marilyn's info. An hour later, Marilyn texted me, "Where are you? I'm at the bar."

She was indeed at the bar and I collected my stolen things from her. She barely said a word and took off. I'm glad that the whole thing had a happy ending.

6/19/2017

Blooperman

Story Sent in by Mercedes:

Bill wore a rumpled suit out on our date. It looked like a raisin, it was so wrinkled. Funny thing was that he didn't even have to wear a suit - we were going someplace pretty informal. But I guess he wanted to try and impress and I gave him some points for that. After dinner I found out why he wore the suit.

We were walking outside and he guided us into a discussion of how people wear masks and have identities they keep hidden from others. Then he stopped short and said, "Do you hear that?"

I listened but aside from the traffic nearby I didn't hear anything unusual. He then ran at the closest building, took off his dress jacket, his white shirt, his godawful purple tie, and his pants. Underneath he was wearing a full Superman costume.

He shouted, "To infinity and beyond!" and then ran away at full speed. He left me and his clothes behind.

After this brush with superheroism, I just went home.

6/18/2017

We'll Slither a While

Profile Sent in by Mary:

Who I'm looking for:

I saw a photo once of a person whose intestines were a straight line instead of all bunched up. The person was 30 feet tall! I would like to met this person so if you are out there write me!

6/17/2017

The Enron Method

Email Sent in by Eldin:

Hi Eldin:

I was thinking that we should start a business together. I work part time at a local farm and you own a laundromat. I hate my bosses so I propose a proposition (see what I did there? LOL JK) I say I bring all their accounting books over come quitting time and we take them for a round in one of your industrial washing machines! Come Monday they'll have no idea why the books are wet and torn and in the pieces. Will that be okay? I want to make sure your machines can take it. I'll take you out on a very quick date to thank you. Very quick only because I don't want my bosses to see us together and realize I am the one who ruined their lives.

Mia

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