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7/07/2015

What's in the Box?

Story Sent in by Nancy:

I went on one date with Joe. I wasn't feeling it and so when he emailed me to ask for a second date, I let him down as gently as possible.

He wrote me back immediately and asked me what he could do to convince me to go out with him a second time. I thanked him once more for his interest (looking back I never ought to have responded) but emphasized that I didn't think we were a good match and I wished him the best.

He called me a few times and I didn't pick up. He didn't leave any messages. Then he emailed me, "I'm going crazy here. You're making a big mistake. Give me one more chance. I promise it'll be everything you want."

I didn't write back at all. Then he emailed me, "Pick one: nose, ear, or lips. If you don't pick one, I'll send you my severed head."

There was no response on my part. He later wrote back, "Expect my head this week. Goodbye."

Several days later, a head-sized box showed up with the mail at my apartment. It had his name on it as a return address and was covered in postage. I guess it was heavy enough to be a head, but I threw it in the dumpster without opening it. If he really did decapitate himself, it was a wasted effort.

The unsettling part was that he never contacted me again, and his dating site profile hasn't been updated since then.



7/06/2015

Paid in Full

Story Sent in by Earl:

I found Inez on a dating site and we talked almost daily before we met. We hit it off really well and were already sexting before we even had a first date. That first date went really well. I took her out for coffee and we visited a huge costume/thrift store that we both liked. At the end of the date, we made out. I'd say it went well.

She invited me to her place for our second date, and she made it pretty clear that we were going to do more than make out. But when I arrived there and she invited me in, she suddenly changed her mind and pushed me out the door. She said, "I'm sorry, I can't," and then closed the door in my face.

I knocked at the door, as I wanted to talk to her and try to make her comfortable. She didn't open it and so I texted her, "We can go out somewhere, if you'd rather. Or just talk. It's okay."

She opened her door, invited me in, and sat with me on her couch. We talked for a while about how past boyfriends had hurt her, and then she kissed me. It went on for a little while before she broke away and said, "No! No! I can't do it! I'm sorry. You have to go."

Disappointed and more than a little confused, I stood up to leave. I wasn't about to argue with her. As I made for the door, she grabbed me and hugged me tight. "I'm sorry," she said again, "I'm just not sure what I want right now."

That was clear. But then she felt around my pockets and her hand tightened around my wallet. She asked, "Do you have any money?"

"Yes."

"Can I have it?"

I said, "You want me to give you my cash? I don't really know about that."

She said, "Please? I'll let you stay if you give it to me."

I backed away and said, "I don't think so. I'm heading out."

I made for her door and opened it. I was going to turn around and wish her well, but she shoved me out before I could do that and slammed the door behind me. I never saw her again.

7/05/2015

A Man's Home Is His Barracks

Profile Sent in by Denese:

About Me:

When I was a soldier I followed orders. I no longer have a commanding officer but I am now my own commanding officer and I need you to follow my orders. It is simple. I will take care of you and you will take care of me to the maximum of your ability. When I am hungry, you will feed. When I am tired, you will make my bed. When I am hungry for coitus, you will open your legs. I will give you a simple life untroubled by the troubles of the world. Your only trouble will be breaking any of my simple rules. But people are simple creatures and I know that maybe with a bit of learning you will be a big girl and learn what you need. You will like my house.

7/04/2015

I Can Roll You Down a Hill

Email Sent in by Russel:

Hi, I like your photos. Your profile says you know a good stargazing place. Stargazing is dumb. Look at the sun. There. I stargazed. What's next? Now I am blind. I am blind and I cannot see. Thanks to stupid stargazing. So now what will you do with me now that I am blind. Take me to a loud concert to enjoy the music? Music is too loud and now I am deaf and dumb. So you're basically dating a paperweight now and it's all thanks to your stargazing. Think about your profile before you post your profile. Thanks asshoIe.

Ruth

7/03/2015

What Women Don't Want

Story Sent in by Shelby:

At dinner with Nick we talked about online dating. I took a lighthearted approach but he came off as bitter. He rattled off a list of women who had wronged him and how they had wronged him and how he was always a victim and so on.

After not too long, it became clear that he definitely had some resentment issues and I wasn't really feeling it. Once he had finished a tirade he took a breath and said, "You've been quiet."

"I'm just taking it all in. You've had some really bum luck."

"Yeah. Women suck. All of them."

I said, "All of them? Really?"

He looked me full in the face and said, "All of them. Especially you."

"Me?"

"You're a woman, aren't you?"

"I am."

"Can you prove it?"

I didn't say anything to that and he finally capitulated, "You're just like all the others."

So I assume I became one more "horrible woman experience" on his list because we didn't go out again. Even after he called me the next morning to ask me out a second time. Nope. No way.