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5/27/2015

Who?

Story Sent in by Dennis:

Geneva arrived for our date wearing a necklace with the strangest pendant I've ever seen: it was a large, heart-shaped picture frame bearing a photo of Ryan Phillippe.

I asked, "Ryan Phillippe fan?"

She said, "You have no idea. I want him for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and for my between-meal snack."

I asked, "What's he been in, lately?"

She rattled off a list of films I hadn't seen, much less heard of.

"Were they any good?" I asked.

"Duh. Ryan was in them. I'm going to marry him, someday."

I asked her, "So where does that leave me?"

She said, "Don't know, don't care. I'm marrying Ryan. Any guy I wind up with has to be okay with that."

Geneva was a 30-year-old. We didn't go out again.



5/26/2015

Dim Bulb

Story Sent in by Patricia:

I had gone out on one date with Edward. It went well, but circumstances prevented us from having a second date for almost a month. We both had work responsibilities, minor life emergencies, and so on. It wasn't a big deal to me. We stayed in touch and he ended up at my place for date number two.

When he arrived we sat on my couch in the living room and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He requested beer and I went to my kitchen to grab some when I heard the sounds of shattering glass.

I bolted back into my living room. Edward was unscrewing light bulbs from my lamps and throwing them against the wall.

"Stop it!" I screamed, "What are you doing?"

He looked up at me like he was in a trance and said, "I'll see myself out." He grabbed his coat and left without explanation. Of course, I never saw him again.

5/25/2015

Slappy Seconds

Story Sent in by Ray:

I met Kim online. She was a massage therapist. I joked with her at first about her giving me a massage and it progressed to her actually offering to give me one if the first date went well.

The first date did indeed go well, and so I made an appointment for a massage with her. I entered the room, lay down on the table, and she went to work.

At first it felt great. Then she began slapping at my back. Whereas her prior massage actions were relaxing and therapeutic, the slapping was… well… slapping. It was jarring and painful and not at all soothing.

“Ow,” I said, hoping to clue her in that it was hurting. But she kept slapping.

“Can you stop slapping me?” I then asked. She didn’t.

Finally I rolled off the table to face her, but the slapping didn’t stop! She slapped at my chest and face and I backed away. She kept at it until I grabbed her hands and yelled, “Stop slapping me!”

“What’s wrong with you?” she said, wrenching her hands away. “Do you want a massage or don’t you?”

I said, “You’re not massaging me! You’re slapping me!”

Then she swung for my face with another slap, but she missed. I grabbed my clothes and said, “I’m out of here,” and she watched me go. I couldn’t leave there fast enough and I never called her again.

5/24/2015

You Had Me at "Hardly Ever Blink"

Profile Sent in by Barry:

I'm really good at:

Making people feel comfortable with me. Which is an accomplishment considering that as a priestess of venus-kali I sport fangs, never wash my hair, hardly ever blink, and really enjoy the taste of old blood. If I can do it then that must count for something. You will find that I am kind and generous and will respect you and your beliefs as long as they do not conflict with mine. venus-kali mar mar venus-kali merra mar. venus-kali hema mar mar venus-kali merra mar. If you are still reading then we are compatible don't care email me plz.

5/23/2015

Honk My Hornee

Email Sent in by Fred:

Fred you messaged me first. Let us examine why you did this:

1. You felt hornee.
2. In your hornee you
3. You are still hornee.

The elephant in the room is all about interperonsal communication. You wrote me. I wrote back. Now I am writing back again before you can respond. As a male you are familiar with this. It is called "reject". If I cvould hit the button of "reject" and throw you into SPACE then I would. But I will just mark you as a male who walks next to other males on the sidewalk and expects me to not think you are hornee for them all. Please take my words to bed and have a good night with them. Feed them send them to school the next day.

Stacy