Arbitrary Ranking System

Story Sent in by Maureen:

We were at a bar. After a drink, Thomas said to me, "You're a nine-point-two, easy. Maaaaaaaybe a nine-point-three."

"Thank you," I replied.

He said, "Do you wanna know what you gotta do to be a 10?"

I said, "I think I'm pretty good the way I am. Thanks."

He asked, "You don't want to become a better person? You think you're perfect?"

"I like who I am. A nine-point-two is good. Or so I'd say if your arbitrary ranking system mattered to me."

"Yeah, but you wanna know what you gotta do to be a 10?"

"I'm good."



He said, "I'll show you, anyway." He stood, pulled a wrinkled pamphlet out of his pocket, slid it over to me, finished his drink, threw some money down, and walked right out of there.

I picked up the pamphlet. It was a Jehovah's Witness brochure.


Numbers Exodus

Story Sent in by Troy:

Not long at all into my dinner date with Alyssa, she pulled out her phone and texted me a phone number.

"Whose number is this?" I asked her.

"My last ex," she said.

"Why have you texted me your last ex's number?"

"I dunno. In case you want to, like, ask him questions or whatever."

"Questions like what?"

"I don't know! Just questions! Do we have to get into it right now?"

"Get into what? You're the one who texted me an ex's number. Should I text you my ex's number?"

"If you want. I'm sure I'll have some questions, too."

I asked, "Why not just, you know, ask me the questions? Isn't that why we're here?"

She groaned. "Ugh. Fine."

She didn't ask me a single thing, so I spent most of dinner asking her stupid, perfunctory questions and not having any kind of real conversation at all.

When the date was over, she said, "Don't forget to call my ex."

I hadn't planned on it, but she was such a pill that I called him up on my way home.

When I explained the situation to him he said, "Yeah, you should probably just avoid her. That's what I do, nowadays."



Romance and Junk

Story Sent in by Essie:

I like to dress up for dates, so when Scott arrived at the restaurant in a dress shirt and pajama pants, I felt inclined to point it out.

He said, "I'm out of pants. Would you rather I showed up pants-less?"

"No, but you knew you were seeing me, tonight. You couldn't hang onto a pair of pants for the occasion?"

He explained, "You don't understand: I lost them all due to circumstances beyond my control."

I wasn't interested in whatever "circumstances" he dreamed up, so I dropped the subject and the evening wore on. Over the next several minutes he complained about his roommate and how she wouldn't sleep with him.

I said, "You do realize you're on a date with me, right? Like, now? This very minute?"

He said, "Yeah, but dating's about romance and junk. I just want my roommate for sack-play."


Long, long, long after I decided there wouldn't be a second date, we took a short walk around a park across the street. He kept asking me if I wanted to go to a movie. I said I had to wake up early the next day and couldn't stay out too late. He then gave up on asking me that and asked me if I'd put a hand into his pocket.

At that point I wished him a good night and left. Are guys just not trying anymore or what?


Effective Profile Wannabe

Profile Sent in by Vanessa:

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

Photography. If you're a true photographer you won't have time to think about anything else. I'm tired of all these wannabe photographers who post up crap they shot on their iPhones and slap on a filter and think that they're Dorothea Lange or Henri Cartier-Bresson. YOU'RE NOT. I use TWO darkrooms to do my work. How many do YOU? Wannabes wannabes wannabes I'm surrounded by wannabes. And you know the weird thing? The biggest wannabe I know is my ex-friend Jacob Watanabe....... notice it? THE WORD WANNABE IS STITCHED INTO HIS OWN LAST NAME. It's like his own parents knew what he would become.... so sad! Anyway if you and I date you will NOT be meeting him or any other such wannabe!


Stinging in the Rain

Email Sent in by Renee:


I love to do things in the rain. Listening to the rain is one of my foremost hobbies. When people run out to avoid the rain I am the one jumping on puddles. Do you like that? So many women I have dated say rain is romantic rain is sexy rain is puddle jumping time to be little girls again wow look at all the girls jumping in puddles in the rain you are so fun loving and spontaneous. Want to screw in the rain puddle? Now you are silent. All of a sudden when its time for a guy to have fun in the rain things are different! No longer time for the fun! Puddle jumping? Now your face has grown sad and you run inside with the rest of them. A building full of women. Dry women. Dry dry. All out of the rain.

If you are not dry and are in fact wet (in the metaphorical sense) then call me.