4/28/2017

The Cherry on Top

Story Sent in by Mae:

In college I went on three dates with Jeremy. The first two dates went really well and we spoke a lot over email and over the phone. I had no indication that anything was awry.

On our third date we walked around the campus and sat near the chapel. It was a chilly fall day and so we both wore heavy coats. After we were quiet for a couple of minutes he turned to me and said, "You know what I love the most about you?"

I asked, "What?"

He then pulled out a container of Hershey's chocolate syrup and squirted it all over my chest and face.

I screamed and shoved at him and stood up but he kept squirting it out at me. I ran away screaming and he chased me for a little bit but soon gave it up when other people began to notice. I was mortified and went straight back to my dorm and cried. She suggested I call campus police and report it as an assault. I was hesitant at first but that's exactly what I did.

And you know what? I heard he was put on probation, that a report of the incident would be attached to his record, and he was to remain far away from me at all times. My college career definitely picked up from there.

4/27/2017

Swing and a Kiss

Story Sent in by Bernard:

My first date with Lindsey was supposed to be a walk and a coffee, just the two of us alone. She brought her little boy with her and carried him as we strolled. I guess it was okay but she kept kissing him over and over. Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. It was to excess. A kiss a second, and that's no exaggeration:

"So Lindsey, how's work?"

"Well" *kiss* "I" *kiss* "like" *kiss* "it" *kiss* "there" *kiss* "but" *kiss* "I" *kiss* "am" *kiss* "looking" *kiss* "for" *kiss* "something" *kiss* "else" *kiss*

"What are you looking for?"

"Oh" *kiss* "just" *kiss* "something" *kiss* "in" *kiss* "nursing" *kiss* "or" *kiss* "whatever" *kiss* "I" *kiss* "can" *kiss* "find" *kiss*

It drove me insane. The smacking of her lips. The saliva all over her poor kid's head. It became revolting. After a few more minutes of the non-stop kissing I had to leave. Because it was so soon after we met up I had no choice but to be honest when she asked me why I had to go so soon. I said, "I'm just not feeling this. Sorry."

"Why" *kiss* "not?" *kiss* "We" *kiss* "barely" *kiss* "spoke" *kiss*

I didn't answer her immediately and she kept kissing and kissing her kid's head. I said, "I'm sorry. I can't," and I just left. I felt bad and still do, but I couldn't take another minute of that stupidity, much less five minutes, an hour, or another date.

4/26/2017

The Mad Shatter

Story Sent in by Krista:

I was on a decent date with Allen and he was nice and all but kind of weird. We were seated in a booth by a window and he kept looking outside as if he was expecting someone. In the middle of dinner he excused himself to go to the bathroom.

As I watched through the window, he went outside and pounded on my car window as if he was trying to break it. I jumped out of my seat immediately and ran outside to ask him what he was doing.

He looked shocked, as if he wasn't expecting anyone, least of all me, to confront him. He then ran for his own car and drove away, leaving me with the check. At least I still have my unbroken car windows, I guess.

4/25/2017

Pee as the Wind Blows

Story Sent in by Don:

Audrey and I were on a hike. We had been dating for a little over a month. She had insisted on bringing her little brother, Abe, along. He was 15 and was... socially awkward to say the least. He was loud and obnoxious and made the entire hike a disruptive affair. I had driven us all there together and as much as I didn't want to spend the day with Abe in tow, I put up with him as best I could for Audrey's sake.

It was a weekend so there were several other people out on the trail. At one point Abe said he had to go to the bathroom and so I assumed he'd just go into the trees to do his business. Instead he waited until we passed a couple and Abe whipped out his junk and tried to pee all over them.

They shouted and ran off (thank goodness - it might have come to blows in other circumstances) and I yelled at Abe. "What's wrong with you, you stupid jerk?"

Abe then screamed at me and Audrey held him close. She shouted at me, "What's your problem? He didn't hurt anybody!"

I couldn't believe it. This guy had just exposed himself and tried to pee all over two strangers and yet somehow I was the bad guy. I was so angry at Audrey and Abe both that I stormed away and left them there. Let them find their own way home with those winning personalities.

4/24/2017

The Inflationary Universe

Story Sent in by Martie:

I was out to dinner at a BBQ place with Gene. We both had ordered chicken and were enjoying our meals when he asked me if I had ever blown up any chickens.

I asked, "Blown up... as in with dynamite?"

He said, "Sure. Or whatever else."

"No. I think that would be cruel."

"Oh," he said, then became really quiet.

After a too-long silence I asked him, "Why do you ask?"

He said, "I'm glad I asked. It's okay. I'll come up with something different for us to do, instead."

I put my dinner down, as my appetite was lost. I said, "You were actually going to take me to do that?"

He shrugged, "I have everything we need in my trunk. You think about it and let me know."

Yeah... no. First and last date.

4/23/2017

So Why Aren't You Taken?

Profile Sent in by Grace:

About me:

Favorite movie: Star Trek Wrath Of Kahn, Anger Managagement
Favorite song: Psycho Killer
Least favorite person: everybody
Favorite person: uhh.......
Thing I love most: nothing
Thing I hate most: everything

4/22/2017

He Sleeps With the Angles

Email Sent in by Christian:

So u think u are a man Christian well do u!!!! I want to go out again with u (canding maybe>) but first u need to tell me if u are with the angles or the dark angels. Everyone is born with the stain and now u have to decide which side u are on. Last three guys I dated - dark angels all even though they said at first they were angels. I do not know which one u are but I trust u. The four guys ago guy I dated was an angel and now he is an actual angel and I miss him every day RIP PETE LOVE U!!!!! When u tell me which u are then we can see what happens!!!!!

Betsy

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