12/08/2017

Better Red Than Dead

Story Sent in by Cora:

Bart arrived on our first date in an old t-shirt and jeans, covered with bright red spatters. I knew that he was a painter, so that explained why, although that didn't necessarily excuse why he looked like a serial killer.

"I was in the studio and lost track of time," he explained.

Fair enough, but he attracted a lot of strange looks. We were out to lunch at a crowded cafe and he really did stick out. During our talk he'd blurt out, "I'm not a killer," loud enough for people nearby to hear. I think he did it because of how he looked. But if anything I think that made him stick out even more.

After lunch he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. There were films out we both wanted to see so we agreed on one and we went to the theater and he paid for the tickets. I thanked him and I waited for him at the concession stand as he went to the bathroom.

He took a while and came back right around when our movie was starting. He told me, "These guys in the bathroom were bothering me so I told them I was a killer and they had better leave me alone. That's why I wore this, today. But anyway they said they'd call the cops so if we're thrown out of the movie I just want you to know that it's not my fault."

I didn't know how to take that so we went into the theater and sat down with everyone else. Sure enough, about 10 minutes into the movie, a pair of ushers came in with flashlights and they looked down each row and when they came to us they asked Bart to go with them. He went calmly and I just stayed there and watched them take him away. But then I felt guilty and so I left the theater shortly afterward.

Out in the lobby I didn't see Bart or the ushers who had taken him so I went to customer service and asked them where Bart was. They girl behind the desk said that she didn't know. I called Bart's phone and sent him a text but he didn't write back. So I went back into the theater to watch the rest of the movie.

I called Bart again that night and he picked up. He told me that they had told him that he couldn't wear his red-spattered clothing inside the theater. He had then offered to take off his clothes and go nude, and they then told him to leave. He ranted about how no one understood artists and painters and asked me over to his place for that night. I turned him down and he didn't call me again.

*

The next post will be on Tuesday.

12/05/2017

Lock 'n Knock

Story Sent in by Rico:

Kerri and I were together for around a month when she called me up on a Tuesday night in a panic: "I'm locked out of my apartment and I'm naked!"

My first impulse was to ask her how it had happened but I understood that time is of the essence in such circumstances. She told me that she would wait for me in her building stairwell and so I grabbed a spare blanket and rushed over to her place, across town.

When I arrived and made it to the stairwell, there was no sign of Kerri. I called for her and then went to her apartment. She wasn't there so I called her phone. She picked up and asked, "What's up?" as calm as calm could be.

"What's up?" I repeated, "Last time we spoke you were naked and locked outside your apartment. Where are you?"

She said, "Oh. I got one of my neighbors to open the door. He's here now and I made hot cocoa and we're sort of cuddling, I guess. Speaking of which, I have to go. Toodles!" and then hung up.

I listened at her door for a bit and heard her laughing and talking inside with a guy. Not really content with the way things had worked out, I thought about knocking on her door but then had a better idea. I went back to my car and grabbed a paper clip that I had in my glove box. I bent off a straight piece from it, returned to her door, and slid it into her lock. Then I left.

Less than a half hour later I received a text from her: "DID U DO THIS TO MY DOOR???" I didn't respond and then a couple of minutes later I received, "U R WORSE THAN EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA! AND I'VE HAD EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA!"

I'll take her word for it.

*

The next post will be Friday.

12/01/2017

Date Number Two

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Story Sent in by Madison:

Roger took me out to lunch and then to a local museum that I hadn't been to since I was little. He was a nice guy who kept the conversation going and at the end of the date he asked me if he could see me again and I told him that he absolutely could.

We chatted over email and over the phone over the next week and a half and arranged date number two. We agreed to meet at a nearby seasonal carnival and I looked forward to walking around it, going on rides, and eating lots of fried dough. Mostly, I looked forward to seeing Roger again.

So you can imagine my surprise when a guy who had to have been almost twice my age (and twice my weight) lumbered over to me at the carnival where I waited and said, "Hey Madison. Good to see you again."

I had never seen this guy before in my life. I asked him who he was.

"I'm Roger," he said.

This guy was definitely not Roger. He was a different person. He was older, taller, larger, and even had a different voice than the Roger I had previously seen. I said, "You're not Roger. Who are you?"

He sighed and said, "This sometimes happens. I look one way some weeks and then look different other weeks. But I'm Roger. Go ahead and ask me anything about our first date or the emails we've written and I'll answer it."

I couldn't even believe that I indulged this guy, but I asked him what my favorite show was (we had had a long conversation about it), my favorite books, and the first two things I tried majoring in when I was in college (we had also spoken about that at length).

This guy, whoever he was, not only got everything right - he also volunteered extra details that I had discussed with Roger. I was totally losing it. The only explanation I could come up with was that Roger had told this guy everything about what we had talked about and was trying to gaslight me to some sort of extreme lengths. But I couldn't have it. I told the guy that I had to leave, and despite his claims that he was Roger (he definitely 100% wasn't - not even a little bit), I did indeed take off. I mean really. He looks different on different weeks? That was the best he could come up with?

*

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11/28/2017

Not Okay

Story Sent in by Phillipe:

Jo and I were out to dinner together on our first date. We were eating our pasta when she accidentally kicked my leg under the table. She apologized and I said it was okay.

She then kicked me again, two more times. Hard. I must have shouted some expletive and she said, "You said it was okay! Why would you say it was okay if it wasn't okay?"

"I was forgiving you for kicking me. Not giving you the green light to kick me again. Are you some stupid child?"

"No!" she shouted, then slammed a fist into her own pasta. spattering it all over her hand, the table, and even her nice blouse. She then stood up and stormed to the restroom. I hoped that she wouldn't come back to cause a further scene, but she outdid my hopes and didn't come back at all. On the downside, when I returned to my truck after finishing dinner, she had covered the hood and the driver's side door with shaving cream.

11/24/2017

Blackest Friday

Story Sent in by Cara:

I went to high school with Henry and he and I had dated here and there and made out a few times. The summer after we had graduated high school we hung out a lot and promised to stay in touch when we went off to college, and we did. When Thanksgiving break rolled around, he asked me if I wanted to go to the local strip mall on Black Friday. I liked people watching and so I was all in.

Our first stop was a pet store. Neither Henry nor I had any pets so I wasn't sure what he was doing in there. He led me down the chew toy aisle, grabbed a few stuffed toys, and shoved them down his pants.

"What're you doing?" I hissed at him. The guy was shoplifting in plain sight.

He said, "C'mere," and then grabbed me tight and kissed me. Then he said, "Next," and hurried out of the store.

He then led me into a bookstore, went down the sci-fi aisle, grabbed some paperback books, and stuffed them down his pants. "I'm holiday shopping," he explained to me right before grabbing me and kissing me again.

"You're shoplifting," I said.

"Quiet! You want people to hear? The point is for them to not know I'm doing it. What do you want?"

I said, "I want you to stop shoplifting."

He replied, "No, I mean what do you want for Christmas? Let's go get it. Now."

I said, "I want you to stop stealing from these stores."

He said, "A big-screen TV? Some really nice book? An iPhone? Just pick something."

I repeated, "I want you to stop stealing."

He said, "That's it? That's all you want for Christmas?"

"Yes."

He shrugged, said, "Okay," and pulled all the stuffed things and books out of his pants and left them in a pile in the aisle. He then said, "Find your own way home," and hurried away from me.

"I drove here myself!" I called after him. I then put the books back on the shelves and brought the stuffed toys (with some explanation) back to the pet store. For all I know, Henry went right back to those places on his own and re-stole everything, but at least he wouldn't do it with me in tow.

11/21/2017

Franksgiving

Story Sent in by Dino:

I hadn't been dating Willa for too long when we invited each other to each other's family Thanksgivings. We stopped by her family's dinner and then went to mine. I had a long-time friend from grade school who always held a Thanksgiving cookout in his backyard with hot dogs later in the Thanksgiving evening, so I asked Willa if she wanted to join me for that. She said she did and so we went.

We were already pretty full from our families' dinners but went mainly just to hang out with friends. Willa seemed to be just fine on our way there and even when we arrived. My friend greeted us with open arms and with hot dogs. I accepted mine gratefully. Willa, though...

"What's that?" she asked.

"A hot dog," my friend said.

Willa said, "For Thanksgiving? Where's the turkey?"

I had told Willa that this would be a hot dog cookout kind of thing. She knew what to expect and had seemed fine with it on the way over. But she apparently wasn't fine with it anymore. My friend said, "I have some turkey dogs I can cook up, or some veggie ones if you want."

Willa said, "If there's no turkey, it's not Thanksgiving!" She then upended the plate that my friend held out for her, sending the hot dog to the ground. She then yelled at my friend, "You ruined Thanksgiving!" and stormed out of the backyard.

I was left to embarrassingly run after her and ask her what was wrong. She said to me, "You bring me to a place on Thanksgiving that doesn't even have turkey? Are you insane?"

Was I the crazy one, here? I had told her at least a couple of times that this was going to be a hot dog cookout. And I reminded her of that. She told me, "You sound insane. Listen to yourself! Where's the goddamn turkey?"

I offered turkey dogs to her, but she wasn't having it. She demanded that I take her home and so I did. Then I went right back to my friend's place and enjoyed what I could of the time that I had.

The next day, Willa emailed me a friendly message as if she hadn't gone nuts the day before. I decided to not write her back until she apologized to me for her behavior. It's been about eight years, so I'd say my chances of that apology are pretty low.

11/17/2017

Drone and Groan

Story Sent in by Claire:

Jeff asked me out on a date to a big park where he was going to show me his camera drone. He showed me the controls and I played around with it a lot, myself.

He retook the controls and told me to stand still and spread my legs a little bit. I was in a dress that went down to my ankles and he controlled the drone to a hover above the ground and tried to sail it between my legs.

I stopped him right there. "A camera drone between my legs? I don't think so." I laughed, trying to make his creepy request seem like a joke or whatever. I thought I was giving him an easy out. Perhaps even a way to recover.

Instead he said, "It's a first date so I know we won't go all the way. So I should get just a little something, right?"

I laughed, less with humor and more with pity. I told him, "I don't think so."

He then rammed the drone into my right ankle. It hurt! I jumped back and kicked at the drone. It fell to the ground. Jeff cried out and ran for the drone and yelled, "You're paying for this, swine!"

I said, "Make me. I'll say you tried to fly it up my skirt. Which you did." He then grabbed his drone and stormed away. Not long afterward, he emailed a "bill" to me for $7,000 for his drone plus "emotional suffering." I laughed a final time as I deleted the email and blocked any further messages from him.

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