The Importance of Being Nothing Important

Story Sent in by Edward:

At a first date dinner with Laura, she showed me lots of photos of her most recent ex. She said she was over him and then in the next breath she asked me if I thought she was dating again too soon.

I did my best to advise her while all the while knowing that this wasn't going to move beyond a first date. I told her it sounded like she wasn't really over him and that she should maybe take her time with it before going out with people.

She then pulled out her phone and actually called the guy up. They had a brief, awkward chat. I wondered if she had been in touch with him at all since the breakup. She looked me right in the eye when she told him that she wasn't up to anything important. Then she asked him when she could see him again.

Apparently he said, "Right now," because she put some money on the table, gave me a parting glance, and left while still on the phone and without a goodbye. She didn't even text me to apologize for her rudeness. I have no idea if she got back together with him. At least everything worked out for one of us.


So Breitbart's Hiring?

Story Sent in by Eileen:

When I met up with Damon in person after he found me online, he asked me if I'd be up for a quick dinner. When I asked him why it needed to be quick he said that he had a surprise for me afterward.

He had a laptop bag with him and he took me to a really cheap, rundown diner for some gross food. My burger looked more like a meat puddle than a burger.

As for his surprise, he then brought me to a Kinko's and opened up his bag. He pulled out several sheets of paper with charts and reports on them. He said, "I'm copying off 600 of these. I need you to staple them."

That was his surprise. Me helping him staple. Before I could say no, he said, "I did just pay for dinner so maybe you can help for just a little while? We can quit after a bit. I just need to get most of these done."

I asked him, "Don't the copiers have an auto-staple function?"

He laughed. "Yeah, but it always does it wrong. I need the human touch."

He started making copies. I was able to glance at his report-things and they were utter nonsense. There was a paragraph about the environment then a paragraph about Obama then a paragraph about the L.A. Dodgers then a paragraph about fire safety. And his charts and graphs were even worse. They plotted things like the usage of cornmeal alongside how close Mars was to Earth during its orbit.

After about 15 minutes of helping, I became really bored and asked him if we could finish up soon.

"Finish up? We just started! We have hundreds to go!"

I said, "Then I'll probably go soon. I'm sorry. I didn't want to copy, tonight."

He said, "I'll tell my boss you didn't help. But fine. Whatever."

His boss, whoever it was, wasn't my boss. If that was all Damon had to threaten me with then I felt it was worth the risk. I left.

He wrote me an email that night to tell me that he had phoned his boss and that said boss wasn't at all pleased with me.


Tough Omelets

Story Sent in by Manuel:

I had a really fun first date out with Constance. She had a couple of drinks and we never ran out of stuff to talk about. It grew late, I started to grow tired, and I was ready to head home. We took a brief walk around the block and she asked me, "Want to go back to your place?"

That woke me up. We went back to my house where I thought we'd proceed with some action but when we entered she made a beeline for my couch, flopped down onto it, said, "Don't touch me," and went right to sleep.

All right, then. I covered her with a sheet and went to bed, myself. There was no touching of her.

She was still there in the morning. Her first words to me when she woke up was, "What's for breakfast?"

I offered her eggs, toast, juice, and so on. She asked for a big omelet, I made one, she wolfed it down, then immediately left my place without so much as a thank-you. And so that was the last I saw of her.


Infernal Pants

Story Sent in by Charlotte:

I don't know why I expected Albert to look sharp for our first date. He wore a pair of light gray jeans that hung only about as high as his knees. He kept picking them up but they kept drooping - and this was annoying as we were taking a walk!

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I said, "Maybe you can just tighten your belt?"

He said, "If I'm using my belt for anything it's for slapping your mouth shut."

I've taken kickboxing. I'd never had to use it on anyone but I was ready to sock him. But I didn't. I took the high road, took a deep breath, and I stormed on ahead and away from him.

He yelled, "Where are you going? I was kidding! Wait!"

I glanced behind myself but he really struggled to keep up, what with his pants pretty much around his ankles. He did a pathetic sort of hop-run-thing after me and needless to say I was able to outrun him at a brisk walk.


Yet I Still Earned an F

Profile Sent in by Efrain:

About me:

Where shall I begin with me? I have a power to attract the unattractable. The men who imagine me bare are te ones who wind up with the most to lose in the end. I am a lady amidst the crowded glory of Caesar's masses yet unbeguiled by mere window dressing. Ugh. Still typing like I'm in English class still. I suppose I'll always be that way since I mistakenly slept with a guy in my class (and who only happened to be the professor!). So tell me about you instead!

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