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Something Impressive

Story Sent in by Kevin:

I don't know whose fault it was, but on my dinner date with Josie, we quickly ran out of things to talk about. After a few moments of silence, I tried to start more of a conversation with her, but she gave me short answers to my questions and didn't really seem to want to be there. She even yawned a few times in a row. After about half a dozen tries of keeping the conversation going, I gave up. After all, it was also her responsibility.

After a longer stretch of silence, she leaned back, gave me a big sigh, and said, "Entertain me."

I thought she was joking at first but one look at her frowning face convinced me that she was serious. I can juggle, so I grabbed a few sugar packets on the table and kept four in the air at once.

She gave a really long, obviously fake yawn. Then she said, "That's not impressive. I'll show you something impressive."

When the check came, I was ready to go Dutch, but she actually insisted on paying for everything. I thought that that was the impressive thing she meant to show me, and I thanked her.

She said, "Just wait. The impressive thing is coming."

We went out to the parking lot together and she led me to her car. She said, "Wait here. I'll bring you something impressive," and drove off.

I waited for 20 minutes. She returned to the parking lot, drove up to me, and rolled down her window. She said, "You're still waiting here? Oh my God," and then she drove off again, for good.

At least I had free dinner.


Little Children

Story Sent in by Mary:

Going into the date, I knew that Joshua had once been married and had two young kids. What I wasn't ready for was how cards-on-the-table he would be. We sat down to lunch and he said, "First thing you need to know about me: I'm in massive debt."

A red light blazed on in my head. Still, I had to be polite. I asked him, "How did that happen?"

He said, "It's my lawyer's fault. And my ex-wife. And my stupid goddamn kids!"

Gosh. What awful people they must have all been. I asked him, "They bankrupted you?"

"Pretty much. Never get married, Mary. You'll lose everything."

I thought for a moment, then said, "But it sounds like your lawyer, wife, and stupid goddamn kids made out like bandits because you were married. If anything, they won big. You were the only one who lost."

"My kids lost, too," he said, "The little bastards are growing up without their dad. I'd call that a loss for them."

"But they have their dad's money," I playfully provoked him, "So that's something."

"Money can't buy a dad," he instructed me, "I'm worth more than any money that those little goddamn pricks took. They don't even look like me. They have their mother's face, and now those ugly little goons will spend it on Nintendos and electric scooters and drag racing and whatever else."

"Kids love drag racing," I agreed.

When the check came, he kicked in a whole five dollars. His part of the meal was closer to $15, but I was happy to pay it if it meant that I wouldn't be seeing him ever again.


Driven to Drink

Story Sent in by Walter:

I was at a nice Asian fusion restaurant with Connie. We had probably spoken online for about a month. She seemed smart and silly and I liked her, at least based off of her online persona.

I ordered a glass of wine and she ordered a piƱa colada. I had drank maybe about a quarter of my wine when she asked, "Did you exes mind that you were a heavy drinker?"

"A heavy drinker?" I repeated, "I was just going to have this one and only glass. Does that qualify me as a heavy drinker?"

She said, "What would your exes say?"

I replied, "That I'm not any kind of drinker at all."

She said, "Ask them or I will."

I chuckled and said, "You want me to just go ahead and call them up? Right now?"

Her eyes went really wide and she said, "Or I can. Not right now. Later. Give me their info." She pulled out her phone.

I took another sip of wine. "You're not serious."

"Give me their information. It's for my own protection to find out if you're a heavy drinker or not. Give me their numbers."

I laughed and she widened her eyes even more. "I'm serious. I want their numbers and I will have them."

"Not from me," I said.

She replied, "I want to find out if you're a drinker. Can I really be blamed for that? Guys who drink are 200% more likely to beat their girlfriends. Just give me their numbers. Just give me their numbers."

I said, "I'm not a heavy drinker. But I probably would be if you were my girlfriend."

Yep. I went full-on kamikaze. The rest of the meal was an awkward affair, to say the least, but thankfully that was our only dinner together.


That's a Wrap

Story Sent in by Betty:

As we walked through a park during our date, Terrence would habitually reach into his pocket, pull out a little chocolate bar, eat it, and toss the wrapper to the ground.

After he had done it a few times, I asked him, "Do you litter all the time?"

He laughed and said, "It's a free country."

I took that opportunity to point to a nearby sign that read, "$500 fine for littering."

He laughed and said, "It's just a sign. Here," he handed me a too-warm chocolate bar, "try it."

"I don't really want a chocolate bar," I told him. We were on our way to lunch, after all.

He rolled his eyes and said, "Then I'll eat it. Just tear the wrapper off and throw it anywhere. Come on. It's liberating."

I said, "No, thank you."

"Do it."


He then ripped the wrapper off in frustration, threw it on the ground, and messily devoured the chocolate bar.

I was sure to have "something come up" before lunch and I left the date shortly thereafter.


Polish Remover

Story Sent in by Tim:

On my first date with Debra we were hanging out in a pretty downtown area. As we walked we talked about our families and heritages. She was part Greek, part Turkish, and part French. I told her I was half Italian, half Polish. She laughed at that.

"Polish?" she snorted, "Like stupid-Polish? People are actually Polish? I thought it was just a joke."

I said, "Nope. I'm Polish on my father's side."

She laughed out loud again and said, "So are you like an idiot?"

I frowned and asked, "Copernicus, Chopin, and Marie Curie were all Polish. Who says that Poles are idiots?"

She said, "Oh, you know. Everyone. It's in every joke."

I lied, "I haven't heard those jokes."

She said, "Probably because you're some idiot Polish!" She laughed once more, then pointed at me and barked at a guy who was walking past us, "Oh my God, he's totally Polish!"

The guy ignored her and hurried on.

Her laughter quieted down and I heard her mutter to herself, "Oh, man. I can't believe you're stupid-Polish."

We went into an antique store and I gave her the slip in there. Made for a funny story to tell my fellow engineers that following Monday morning.