7/24/2016

Swipeth Left

Profile Sent in by Coree:

About me:

I've been called the postmodern barbarianism of late dialectical discourse. Perhaps a latter mien will suffice to profligate the minor plebeians of the superficiality of baroque-nouveau! Since a pattern of abscess (and excess, no doubt!) cannot hope to proliferate amongst the ubiquitous third estate, then I propose a new codification: no longer shall the gentlewomen of this forum be subjected to the hoarse weepings of an unceasing trail of unpropitious fellows. No. I propose that I pluck thine hand (as it were!) from the swampy underpinning of the mere. I shall wrench you from the entrails of your ordure and bring you at the last to a twinkling, coruscating dayspring. Assessments?

7/23/2016

Deletism

Email Sent in by Juniper:

YOU LEFT RELIGION BLANK -

Hi you left Religion blank on your prifo proo your profoi your proif profile. Not a way to attract a man! Best thing to do is honesy ho honesyt honesty to tell us what your Religion is. So tell us. We will wait. All of us. Together. For there is only wr ron oen own orig one one ONE ONE BA! WHY can I not WRITE today??? I think I am ready now. So write back with your Religion so we can talk about it together.

Charles

7/22/2016

The Mold Has Claimed Her

Story Sent in by Shelby:

Amanda and I had planned to go on a hiking date and we both brought our water bottles with us. After a long walk we took a short water break. I drank from my canteen and she from her own.

She spat out a substance that looked like yellow cottage cheese. The smell was revolting. I asked, "What was in there?"

She said, "Just water! But I think it went bad."

I said, "Water doesn't turn into yellow cheesy bits. Did you have milk in there or something?"

She shoved her canteen at me and said, "I dunno. You try it."

The smell made me want to puke. I pulled away and said, "No thanks. Why don't you spill it out? You can have some of my water."

Instead she capped her canteen, shook it, and said, "Maybe I just need to break it up a little bit and it'll get better."

I said, "I don't think that's how weird moldy chunky stuff works."

She replied, "Fine. Give me your canteen."

She took it without so much as a please and drank the whole thing down. All of my water. In seconds. And there was no thank you.

We hiked a little more before I became really thirsty and so I told her that I was going to turn around to go fill up. She said she'd wait for me. When I returned she wasn't there.

7/21/2016

Just Like a Country Boy

Story Sent in by Carlene:

Dave took me out for a walk and dinner. During the first few minutes of our stroll he stooped and picked a blade of grass. He put it in his mouth and said, "Look! I'm from the country!"

He received a light laugh out of me. Okay. Funny... ish.

But he kept it in his mouth and asked, "You like 'dem country boys?"

I said, "Not really."

We went on talking about other things but he kept the blade of grass sticking out of his mouth. All through the walk, all through dinner (he put it aside on the table when the food arrived but it went right back into his mouth when he was done eating), and afterward.

I thought about pointing it out as rude and gross but I didn't think it would help.

After dinner we returned outside and he said, "Are you ready for the ceremonial transferring of the grass from my mouth to yours?"

I guessed that the whole grass thing was his lead up to wanting a kiss. We were in New York City, so that grass had probably been peed on by about a thousand dogs that day, alone. I declined his offer to "consummate the ritual" and we went our separate ways.

7/20/2016

A Bad Case of the Skates

Story Sent in by JL:

A skate park seemed like a great place to bring Aimee for a date. We both skated and we got along really well online.

The problem arose when we made it to the park and were skating for a little while. Whenever someone took a spill - regardless of their age - she would laugh pretty loudly and call them a "Tard."

A guy our age would fall off his board and she'd say, "Fail, you tard!"

A pair of girls holding hands would slip and one would pull the other down. Aimee cackled and said, "Great job, tards!"

A little boy who was likely trying it for the first time fell backward and Aimee laughed and laughed. "Good going, little tard!"

I finally took her aside and said, "That's a little mean."

She gave me a really nasty look and said, "Then why don't you just marry and screw all these tards, you love them so much?"

She skated away from me. I didn't follow her and I just concentrated on having as good a time as I could. I sort of hoped she'd take a spill, herself. But she never did. When I was done skating I told her I was going and she looked a bit surprised but then said, "Whatever," and skated away.

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