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Enough to Wake the Dead

Email Sent in by Rosie:


It has been 3 weeks and I am SO SO SO SORRY I have not been in touch. There was an emergency in my family. They are all dead now again. Let me explain:

First I came home after our last date and they were dead. I buried them but then I used the forbbidden magicks to raise them back (I missed them) and they came back all right. But they were changed. Their laughter was gone. Remember when we talked about people with no senses of humor? It was just like that! Because we had talked about them I knew how to deal with them but it was no use and soon they all died oncemore.

I am truly sorry. Now I am in mourning for them. If you want to come over and we can make love to make me feel better that would be alright.



Kernel Panic

Story Sent in by Carl:

My third time seeing Elizabeth, she invited me to her place. She put out pretzels and tortilla chips. We sat on her couch and popped in a movie.

A little of the way through, I started teasing her a bit and it became a flirty pillow fight. She hit me a couple of time, I hit her back. She smacked me on the side of my face, I smacked her back right on the kisser.

She screamed and her hand went to her mouth. For the record, it was a pillow. I didn't hit her hard. In fact, a three-year-old could've brushed it off. I thought at first that maybe I had accidentally hit her at some sort of sensitive spot, but before I could even ask, she spat out several teeth.

At least, that's what I thought they were at first. I was horrified. But then I had a glance at them and saw that they were popcorn kernels.

Before I could even properly register that, she took off for her bathroom, hand still over her mouth, and slammed the door behind her. As I said, she had pretzels and tortilla chips set out. No popcorn, so I had no idea where the kernels came from. I went to her bathroom door, knocked, and even tried the handle. Locked. She didn't answer my calls to her, either. I went back to the movie, guessing that she'd return at some point.

I polished off a good amount of the snacks and finished the film and still she didn't emerge. I finally called out, "I'm going!" and I left. I hope she's okay. I never heard from her again.


Nervous Tick

Story Sent in by Lydia:

It was a pretty brisk day when Robert and I went for a hike, so we didn't become too sweaty. We sat down in a coffee house afterward and continued to learn more about each other.

Everything seemed to be go fine. He was polite and friendly and I liked him. We were both outdoorsy and we talked about hiking a bit and then he asked me if I'd ever had a tick.

I told him I had, once. I had removed it and it wasn't a big deal.

He told me, "I've had three. The first time, I totally panicked."

I laughed. "You panicked?"

He said, "Actually, it was more like–" and then he shouted, shook his head, slapped at his face, wagged his tongue, flailed his arms, leaped off his seat, spun in circles, kicked his legs around, and burst out of the coffee house with his hands thrashing above his head.

He had left his mostly full coffee there on the table, so I expected him right back. He never returned.


Sit Down, Stand Up

Story Sent in by Jerry:

I was all set to meet Evelyn at a local Starbucks. After waiting for her to show for a while, I called to see if she was standing me up. Over the phone, she apologized for being late. "I went to the wrong Starbucks," she said, "I'll be right there. Five minutes."

I waited for her again and she didn't show. I called to ask if she was lost or just standing me up. She said, "I'm sorry! There was an accident right in front of me and I couldn't move until the cops came and cleared it to the side of the road. I'm five minutes away. I'm coming!"

Twenty minutes later, she still didn't show. I called her and she took on a harsher tone: "Look, I told you I'm on my way. It's not my fault and you have to stop calling me. Seriously. I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there in five."

Fifteen minutes later, she still didn't show. Miffed at her attitude and tired of waiting, I texted her, "Done waiting. Maybe postpone," and I left.

She called me as I was driving away in my car. She said, "Just stay there. I'm like, five minutes away. You can't wait?"

"You've been five minutes away for almost an hour. Are you actually on your way? Or have you just been standing me up this whole time?"

Long silence on her end. Then she said, "I'm sorry. I'm in Columbia."

Columbia, Missouri is over 100 miles west of where I was. I couldn't believe it. "So you said you were on your way this whole time when you weren't? What the hell?"

She said, "No need to be nasty about it. I was just trying to let you down easy. If that's what you're gonna be like then forget it." She hung up. I went home.


Just Like Greenpeace

Story Sent in by Fiona:

In college, I met Cameron at a party. I gave him my number, we spoke over the phone a few times over the course of a couple of weeks and made plans to meet for coffee before another party a following weekend.

At coffee, he asked me if I was passionate about the environment. I told him I was. He then reached into his bulging pocket and pulled out a crinkled application form and handed it to me.

He said, "It's a form to join my environmental nonprofit group. I think you'd make a great treasurer. It's just like Greenpeace."

I took it and said, "Thanks. I'll check it out."

He said, "You can fill it out now. I'll wait. Shouldn't take longer than 15 minutes."

"I'll fill it out later, but thanks."

He then asked, "What about the homeless? You're passionate about them too, right?"


He pulled another wrinkled application out of his pocket and handed it to me. "This one is for my homeless nonprofit. Not as much to fill out as the environmental one. I promise."

I couldn't help but notice that on this new form, right under the space to write my name, in bold letters, it said that the application fee was $500.

I said, "I'm not paying $500 to join a group."

He replied, "Don't worry about that. You can pay in installments."

"I'm not joining. I'm sorry."

He said, "If you promise not to tell anybody, I can give you a slight discount."

"No, thanks."

"Are you homeless, yourself?"

"What? No!"

"So if you pay rent, you should be able to afford this. I don't see what the problem is. If you're going to be selfish, the application fee just raised to $1,000."

I just stared in response.

He said, "Or $2,000. How would you like that?"


He stood and said, "All right. See you at the party."

He never showed up to the party. And luckily, except occasionally in passing, I never saw him again for the rest of my college career.