Can I Help?

Email Sent in by T.M.:

Hi Tyler:

I wish I could have been there tonight. I know we have both looked forward to it. But I have too much lotion on my butt and can't make it. Please understand..... xxxxooooooooooooolol



Something to Address

Story Sent in by Andrew:

When I was out to dinner with Lynn, she asked me if I was dating anyone else. At the time, I actually was - two other people. It was early in each of the relationships, I wasn't exclusive with anyone, and my goal was to spend enough time with someone to find a girlfriend.

Lynn then pulled out her phone and apparently opened up her Notes app and asked, "Do you know where they live? Can you give me their addresses?"

I was flabbergasted. "What? Why?"

She said, "Not your concern. What are their addresses?"

"I'm not going to give you their addresses."

She put her phone away. "Fine. I'll find them myself. It'll take me 70 hours but I'll find them. And I'll remember you stonewalling me."

Yikes. After the meal I left in a hurry and blocked Lynn on all media. Nothing weird ever happened to the other people I was dating (aside from the fact that I'm still dating one of them) and so I guess Lynn's secret master plan never came to fruition.


Scratch That

Story Sent in by Samantha:

I was having a perfectly normal first-date dinner conversation with first-date Justin when he stuck out his middle finger to me across the table and asked me to scratch it.

I gave it a couple of quick scratches and he said, "No. Longer and harder."

It was a little weird and a bit gross but I did it. He shuddered and squealed with such happiness that he attracted the attentions of others. I asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

He replied, "Nothing. I just have to change my pants, now. Excuse me." He stood up and hurried away. Presumably to the bathroom. If and when he returned, he didn't find me there.


By Any Other Surname

Story Sent in by Jason:

Amanda was a blind date who insisted I call her by her last name. When I called her Amanda at first she reprimanded me, "Could you call me Ms. Tyler? We only just met."

I was put off a bit by that. After all, she referred to me by my first name with no problem whatsoever. When I pointed out that double standard, she just shrugged it off and said, "I'll call you Mr. Wright if you want."

No, no. Jason is fine. Uh... Ms. Tyler.

I opted to just avoid calling her by name for the entire date altogether. It would have otherwise just been too weird. But when we were at dinner she insisted that I call her Ms. Tyler more often. "Can you just address me by name when you talk to me? I prefer that."

"Okay. Ms. Tyler, can you tell me about your family?"

"My father is Mr. Tyler, my mother is Ms. Tyler, and my two brothers are Mr. Tyler and Mr. Tyler."

No joke. That's an actual quote. I asked her, "Ms. Tyler, at what point can I call you by your first name?"

Ms. Tyler replied, "When I tell you that you can."

I asked, "What does Mr. Tyler do for a living?"

"Which Mr. Tyler?"

"Mr. Tyler."

"Which one?"

"Mr. Tyler! Your brother."

"Which brother?"

"Mr. Tyler."

"Which Mr. Tyler?"

It was fun to mess with her, especially as she seemed altogether oblivious about the whole thing. But it was only really fun for a little bit and we didn't go out again.


Take My Knife, Please

Story Sent in by Teena:

Adam and I were just walking through town when he pulled out a butterfly knife and started just opening it and closing it while we walked. I finally asked him, "Um... why do you have a knife?"

"In case any guy tries to steal you from me." He added an extra-creepy wink.

I said, "I don't think that's going to happen. Can you put the knife away?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "It's not going to happen because I won't put the knife away. Relax."

It was hard to relax. He kept playing with the knife for the rest of our walk and I brought the date to a hasty end before it went on for too much longer.

He wrote me that night to ask me out again but I ignored it. A few weeks later he wrote me another email to ask me if I was seeing anyone else. I blocked him.


The Colors of the Wind

Story Sent in by Danielle:

When I was in college a friend set me up with Justin. He and I went out to dinner at a vegetarian place near campus and talked about our lives the way college students typically do.

When we made it the harmless topic of "What's your favorite color?" I told him that mine was purple. Then I asked him what his was.

He replied, "Mine is BARF!" and then he spat out a mouthful of food all over the table.

Check please.


What Rick Moranis Is Up To

Profile Sent in by Chris:

What I'm doing with my life:

I work in a greenhouse. My life goal is to breed the venus fly traps to become large and eat my coworkers. That sounds too much like little shop of horrors to you I fancy. But I can also use these plants to eat your coworkers too. Then you will not make fun of me at all. And if you do I will just have them eat you. No lose situation for me. If you could be eaten by a plant what would you wear? And would you wear that on a first date with me. Just curious. Please provide proof that you are not an herbicide when you write me. Too many people want to threaten my plants and I have to guard them until they are strong enough to kill and kill some more.

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