3/04/2011

Splitsville

Story Submitted by Alyssa:

Back in high school, my boyfriend Noah came over to watch a movie with me in my room.  Once it was over, he planned to head home.

I walked him downstairs.  His car was parked in my backyard, and the back door was through my kitchen.  We turned the lights on and saw that my mother had just washed the tile floor.

I suggested, "Let's go around the front."

Instead of taking my advice, he took a few steps into the kitchen, jerked forward, waved his arms like a hummingbird on speed, kicked up with one foot, his other foot slipped back and he landed neatly on his crotch in a full split.  He was upright for a moment, then thudded over on his side.

"Yaaaaaaaaagghh!" he screamed.

I ran to him and asked him what I could do.  He shouted, "I just pulled every muscle in my lower half!" then screamed again.

I helped him into a more comfortable position on the floor, and he curled up to me, moaning, "Now I can't have kids... I can't have kids... oh, my nut sack..."

He dragged himself away from me and crawled to the back door.  I touched his shoulder and said, "Hey, you don't have to leave until you feel better.  Let me set you up on the couch."

He said, "No.  I have to leave... I have to."  He pulled himself up and stumbled out of the house.  He climbed into his car, I heard him scream again, and he drove off, screaming into the night.  I called him twice that night and left him messages, asking him if he was okay.

He wrote me a breakup e-mail the next morning: "I'm still in pain, so I think we're through.  Bye."

It was confusing to me, but it was his choice.  The greatest casualty that night, I guess, was his pride.

6 comments:

  1. So, what, does he break up with a girl every time he's in pain?

    "Sorry babe, I cut my finger real bad today. I'm in pain, so I think we're through. Bye."

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  2. See? It's funny when people get hurt, and it's hilarious when someone's nut sack is involved. I would have loved to watch this happen live.

    Fantastic title Jared, well done you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh..." - sound of him driving off screaming into the night. The title is a stroke of genius. This just might be my favorite story so far.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe he meant his testicles would never function properly again, so there was no point continuing the relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ^ Of course. I forgot relationships revolve around sex nowadays. Thanks for reminding me.

    ReplyDelete

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