1/01/2011

"Welcome to Guys"

Story Submitted by Holly:

I was at a wedding with my friend Angie and her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years, Ian.  While at the event, I noticed a bad smell, like a combination of body odor and old, old toilet.  However, I assumed that it may have been an elderly wedding guest with a medical issue, and I tried to ignore it.

Angie and Ian were my ride, and after hugging the bride goodbye at the end of the party, we exited the hotel's banquet hall.  At this point, the smell was becoming overwhelming, and I was sure that it wasn't coming from me.  It was awkward, and I was sure that Angie and Ian had noticed, and so I said, "Um, someone’s stinky.”

Angie replied, matter-of-factly, “It’s Ian.  He shits his pants.”

"Come again?"

Ian laughed.  Angie continued, “He does this at church, in front of my parents, out shopping... it’s the number one thing we fight about."

It was hard for me to comprehend what she was saying, and I asked, "How long were you two together before he started doing this?”

"A couple of years.  What am I, going to break up with him over it?"

I personally would’ve considered it a dealbreaker, no matter when it started happening. 

As we exited the hotel, I realized with a creeping horror that I would have to share a car with them, as they were my ride.  Luckily, it was a short drive.  I asked if I could sit in the front, assuming that she would be driving, as it was her car.  Unfortunately, Ian got into the driver’s seat.

As we were on our way, he did it again, and I could actually hear it happening, along with his, "Ahhhh," and he laughed like it was just a big joke.

I tried to roll down my window but he hit the window lock.  I gagged and Angie hit him with her purse.  "For fuck's sake, let her open her window!”

He did, but didn't stop laughing.  I jammed my head out the window and gulped fresh air.

I turned to Ian and said, "You are so gross."

He said, "Welcome to guys."

I replied, “I may be single but I’m not stupid.  Guys don’t do this.”

He giggled.  I turned to Angie and said, “This doesn't bother you?  Really?"

She shrugged and said, “My whole house smells like shit.”

We reached my apartment and I escaped the car.  Angie apologized to me repeatedly.

She married Ian, and they have a son.  We're still in touch occasionally, but I will never hang out with them again.

12 comments:

  1. Love is blind, and apparently lacking smelling senses too, man damn!

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  2. Ewwww, what the fuck is wrong with them?

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  3. What B-C said. It reminds me of a line by Judy Tenuta: Did you ever date someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

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  4. Ugh, that's so disgusting. Their poor kid! :/

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  5. Oh, how gross is that?
    That is straight out of a Farrelly Brothers movie!

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  6. Ian's full of shit, no pun intended. Scatology or coprophilia is a psychiatric condition.

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  7. W....T....F?!?!?! How could you ever fuck someone knowing that at any moment, they could/would shit themselves?!? What is this going to teach their kid?! How in the fuck are they ever going to potty train him when he sees Daddy shit himself everywhere?

    PLEASE TELL ME, OP, THAT HE AT LEAST WORE ADULT DIAPERS!!!!!!!!

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  8. Imagine that poor kids childhood...

    Growing up in a house like that, all his clothes smelling like shit.

    Ostracized at school. Called names. Psychological disorders.

    Jeez, the list just goes on and on.

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  9. Sounds like this other couple I know. They dated for a few years, and somehow after a few years the only way he could get off was by taking a fat shit on her chest and blowing all over her. She got fed up after a couple of years and divorced him.

    What gets me is how does the relationship get to the poo'ing on your partners chest?

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  10. ^Dan Savage and his "GGG" rule.

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  11. "What am I, going to break up with him over it?"

    Which says to me the chick dug it, too (though perhaps didn't dig him taking dumps with OP in the car). Yeesh.

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  12. Sounds like it's probably a shared fetish between both of them, which I guess makes them perfect for each other, in a sense.

    I feel sorry for their kid though, growing up in that. I wonder if they're the only couple who argue with great enthusiasm over who gets to change the diapers?

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