9/25/2012

Sounds Better Than What's at the Box Office

Story Sent in by Tammara:

Howard, over the course of our first date at a coffee house, asked me if I had ever seen the film Chunky Horse. I hadn't and I told him so. He asked me, "Want to?"

I answered, "What's it about?"

He said, "It's about three friends who find an old chainsaw in the woods and the phrase, 'Chunky Horse' written in blood nearby. Then one by one, they die."

"Oh. Haven't seen it."

"Want to?"

I said, "I don't know if that's my kind of movie."

"You should watch it," he said, "It's one of my favorites."

"Well, maybe," I replied.

During our second date, a trip to an amusement park, he said to me, "After we're done here, we should go watch Chunky Horse at my place."

His place wasn't far from the park, and he ordered pizza in for us. He popped in a VHS and Chunky Horse began.

It was a video of himself and two friends from about 15 years earlier. They were pretty much running around in the woods and screaming. There was no sign of an actual chainsaw, although at one point, the squeakiest-voiced of the three kids said, "Oh my God! A chainsaw! And chunky horse!"

Another kid, I couldn't tell who, yelled back, "Aagh! Chunky horse!"

More screaming and wild camera movements. I had no idea what was going on, but the kids kept running around, screaming about chainsaws and chunky horse and screaming some more.

After the longest 25 minutes I had ever waited, the movie was over. Howard gave me a big grin. "What'd you think?" he asked.

I replied, "You asked me last time if I had ever seen it. How could I have, if the only copy is this tape?"

He said, "After we made it, my father told me he sent it into HBO and that they played it late one night. I couldn't believe it. Might be a cult classic. I don't know."

I said, "Your father said he sent it into HBO and they played it? Do you think he was being serious?"

Howard's smile fell away. "Of course. Why would he lie to me about that?"

"I... have no idea."

"It was on HBO."

"Did you see it on HBO?"

He said, "It was on after my bedtime."

"Are you serious? I highly doubt that HBO would really–"

"Shut up!" he barked, "It was on HBO! My father and my other friends I know told me they saw it, and I'm going to believe them, okay?"

"Okay," I replied, "I'm out of here."

And just like that, I left the sorry little delusional man with his stupid little kiddie video.

9 comments:

  1. I saw Chunky Horse on HBO one night about 15 years ago. Total cult classic.

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    Replies
    1. Me too. Tammara, you're way behind the times, girl.

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    2. I heard that Harry Potter borrowed liberally from the plot of Chunky Horse.

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  2. You could have told him about the tooth fairy and santa on a third date.

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  3. Poor guy... every fiber of his being was based on a lie...

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  4. I saw something similar but it was Chunky Whores and it was on a porn station..Is there an HBJ station?

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  5. Ya'll know there's a Stihl Chainsaw ad at the bottom of this page right now. Just sayin'... kind of awesome.

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  6. So I finally found the Chunky Horse story and frankly I'm a little disappointed.

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