It's Not Easy, Seeing Green

(Bad dates. Decent impersonations. Toss Jared G. a vote here to see me perform live in NYC. Thank you! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Amanda:

"Everything I see is in green," Jeremy informed me at dinner.

I asked him to elaborate. He claimed to have a "condition" that prevented him from seeing any color other than green. "It's like I'm seeing the world through green cellophane," he said, "Everyone looks like Kermit the Frog."

He said he had been that way for almost 10 years and that his doctor had no explanation. He liked to talk about his predicament so much that whenever I tried to change the subject, he brought it right back around to how green everything looked.

After dinner, he said, "Let's do something green."

"Like what?"

"Dunno. Do you feel bad for me?"

I did, but mostly because he was too self-centered for me to consider anything serious with him. Green-vision aside.

Without waiting for an answer, he went on, "Because if you do, you can give my shaft a good hand-crank in my car."

I said, "I don't think so. And besides, your outfit matches. How were you able to do that if everything you see looks green?"

"Give me a handy-Joe and I'll tell you the secret. You won't believe it."

"I don't," I confessed.

We both shared a good laugh as we walked out to the parking lot. As I walked back to my car, though, he stopped grinning and said, "Wait. Where are you going? You're supposed to come to my car, remember?"

I drove away.


  1. "Everyone looks like Kermit the Frog" reminds me of that scene in Being Kermit the Frog when Kermit the Frog goes into that little portal into his own head.

  2. There's a movie called Being Kermit the Frog? How did I miss this? And also, I'm wondering what the heck a handy-Joe is. Is that like a handyman named Joe and that's his nickname? (That's all I gots for today. It's early).

  3. Well... we know Amanda isn't the real name of Fizziks or Try, since this woman in question did NOT give the guy a handy J...

  4. Why the hell do some guys think it's okay to ask for handy Js and blowies on a first date?? Especially without even offering to pay for it, jeez.

  5. tanette: "Being John Malkovich"

  6. Hey, this guy stole my life story! I even wrote this song:

    Yo listen up here's a story
    About a little ambiguously gendered person that lives in a green world
    And all day and all night and everything s/he sees
    Is just green like shim inside and outside
    Green is his/her house with a green little window
    And a green corvette
    And everything is green for shim and shimself
    And everybody around
    'cause s/he ain't got nobody to listen to

    I'm green da ba dee da ba die...

  7. Well, I've heard of "Being John Malkovich" I've just never heard of "Being Kermit the Frog." :)

  8. This story reminds me of my second date with Steve. Again he didn't even stop the car fully, just slid by & asked " Do you pull snakes or frogs out of your nose on a first date? Didn't think so!" This time I lunged at him hoping to give him a handy-Joe like I was starting a lawn mower but he just drove off and left me there, empty handed. Steve for the record I'm sure going to

  9. ^ you're going to get me love-drunk of your humps, your humps, your lovely lady lumps?

  10. good job, OP. Now I'll never know his secret.

  11. " Do you pull snakes or frogs out of your nose on a first date? Didn't think so!"

    Are you sure he said "out of your nose"?


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