He Uses MY Tongue

Story Sent in by Chad:

I have to confess: the main reason I brought my dog to the neighborhood dog park was less for my dog and more for me to perhaps meet someone. After a couple of months of fruitless efforts, I met Claudette and her Scottish Terrier. Our dogs and ourselves got along great. We met up there a few more times, then set up a date.

We brought our dogs on the date. We went on a long walk and had a light dinner at an outdoor cafe. Afterward, we strolled a little further for ice cream.

I bought us two cones. Claudette knelt alongside her Scottie and let him lick it to his heart's content, until it was positively sopping in dog drool. Then, she actually finished it herself. It was gross beyond belief.

I had ordered a chocolate/caramel cone, and she asked me if she could try a bite. I told her that since she had just allowed dog saliva into her mouth, I'd prefer it if she used a spoon.

She became offended and said, "Dogs are the cleanest animals in the world!"

I said, "Is that before or after they lick their own butts?"

She explained, "Humans and dogs are the only two animals that wipe themselves."

"Yeah, but dogs use their tongues."

She said, "Not my dog."

She ended up using a spoon to try a taste of my ice cream, and she never was in touch after that. So everyone ended up with what they wanted.


  1. Anyone else hardcore fapping over Jared's NYU video? Lisa Simpson totes gets me chubb'd...

  2. My secretary told me that she allows her dogs to lick her plates clean after meals. I'm sure a lot of people do this, and think it's no big deal because they wash the dishes afterwards, but it grosses me out, and I will not eat any food she brings into the office anymore...

    While Scottie-dogs are cute, I'd also be grossed out by this girl...

    And if ever I must share an ice cream cone with a non-human entity, it would obviously be Chunky Horse. HE is the cleanest hell-spawned animals on the planet, thankyouverymuch!

  3. I don't really see the difference between letting your dog lick your plate clean and eating at a restaurant where you're sharing cutlery & dishes with hundreds of other people, but everyone has their quirks.

    I have shared a cone or two with my dog, but he gets ONE lick because it's my fucking delicious ice cream.

  4. Animals are for eating, not sharing plates/cutlery with.

  5. Defacto beast rimming is not a wise first date move. There is always the exception of course. I remember my first date with Steve. He didn't even stop the car fully, just slid by & asked " Do you defacto beast rim on a first date? Didn't think so!" And just drove off and left me there with an empty vagina before I could reply. Steve for the record I'm a

  6. ^ You're a WHAT?! Don't leave me hanging!!

  7. I don't know why people are so grossed out about a little dog slobber on ice cream. What do you think they make those rainbow sprinkles out of?

  8. I'm with Architect on this one. People get sooo grossed out if I offer to share my fruit salad on a date, and just because I use a non-standard container. Get over your prissy selves.

  9. ^Fizziks WTF was pulled out of that nose?

  10. WTF, Fizziks! I'm eating a friggin' Hot Pocket here! Give a person some warning!!!!

  11. I think the fact that Fizziks posted it _is_ warning.

  12. Don't you go tryin' to go out with my man, Tryn2Fly. You know I will cut...
    Anyway, Fizziks that was some weirdness. Oh and the dog thing. Licking plates, licking ice cream. Whatever floats the boat.

  13. Also, J, I agree with Steve, you are very talented and funny. Good stuff. :)

  14. I'm amazed that no one mentioned the most disturbing thing about this date: she let her dog eat *ice cream*. Lactose isn't good for dogs who have already been weaned.

    1. A small amount won't hurt animals. I give my cats about a teaspoon of milk after I eat my cereal and they're fine.


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