Hit Me Baby, No More Times

Story Sent in by Ken:

It was the first time I had stayed over with Abigail. We made out while watching Jurassic Park and wound up in her bedroom. She claimed to be on birth control and I used a condom, just in case.

In the throes of passion, she told me that she was close and I ought to just let loose. I did.

After a minute of having collapsed together, she held me to herself and said, "I can feel our baby growing inside me."

Er... huh? Come again?

She pulled me close, nodded, and said, "Yeah... yeah... our baby... yeah... mmm... yeah. Yeah... it's growing inside me..."

I was confused, so I asked, "What baby?"

"The one inside me."

I asked what I knew to be a stupid question. "You're pregnant?"

She laughed to herself, smiled, and said, "I am, now. I can feel it growing already... our baby... yeah... yeah..."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Oh, it is. Yeah... yeah... mmm... yeah. Baby... baby... inside me..."

Killed the mood a bit, that did. I checked the condom and saw that indeed it had done its job and done it well. She kept moaning about baby this and baby that and saying "Yeah... yeah... yeah..." over and over like she was crazy. I wasn't about to leave her there, so I stayed over and we cuddled for the rest of the night.

When I woke in the morning, she was already awake, staring at me, next to me in bed.

"Good morning," I said.

"Good morning!" she beamed, "I was just picturing what our baby would look like. The one growing inside of me."

I made up some excuse and I left. That was a while ago and I haven't been in touch with her since then, and she never wrote me with news of a birth. Maybe she made it up, after all.


  1. What? Did she not know you were wearing a condom? Did she try to poke holes in it without you knowing? Also, just FYI, it's always a good idea to wear a condom if you're not in a totally committed, headed for marriage relationship because you never know. There are also diseases in addition to possible pregnancy. Okay, down from my box of soap.

  2. Can I jump up on that soap box for a second? As the mother of a boy, I cautioned him to dump the contents of the used condom into the toilet , and if possible, rinse it with water before tossing it in the trash.

    I have known of women so desperate to hook a guy that they use the contents to impregnate themselves after the guy throws it away. I didn't want that for my son's future, so as uncomfortable as it was to have me warn him, it's worth it.

    1. Putting some sort of hot sauce in the used condom will help too.

  3. ^ You two are both correct. Cover your stump before you hump, and destroy the swimmers afterwards. Bishes be cray...

  4. Peggy, you seem like a good mama. Bishes do be cray, Steve. That's why I gotta cut one every once in awhile. :)

  5. Thanks, Tanette. My son was mortified that I bought it up, but because I raised him by myself, it was up to me to have that type of talk with him. I want him in a good stable relationship, preferably married, before children enter his life.

    I also tried to raise him to treat women right so he doesn't end up divorced like his mother. I want his future wife to be the most content, secure woman around so that any babies that come along are raised in a two-parent home with lots of love.

    I'm crossing my fingers that it all stuck.

  6. Peggy, you are WAY too sane and intelligent to be hanging around here... ;-)

  7. At the risk of sounding like a broken record this story reminds me of my third date with Steve. Again he didn't even stop the car fully, just slid by & asked " Do you grow babies inside you on a first date? Didn't think so!" This time I lunged at him with my junk but he just drove off and left me there, empty wombed. Steve for the record I'm going to push a finger into the

  8. I'm thinking the sex was terrible and she just wanted it to be over with, then she acted crazy so that he would leave.

  9. Interesting method, lovsmack. And hello.

  10. Blue Blue is feisty today... I like that...

  11. Hello! I'm digging this method a lot actually.. usually I just hug my knees and rock back and forth repeating "north, south, east, west" with increasing agitation until they decide to bug out, but I may just try this baby thing...

  12. " I checked the condom and saw that indeed it had done its job and done it well."

    That is only if you subscribe to the mainstream BS version of how babies are made. But the truth that the media hides is that, if you kiss a girl, she'll have a baby. Congrats on being a father..

  13. I just couldn't stop hearing the date's dialogue in the voice of Bill Lumburgh from Office Space.

    "Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and put a baby in me. Yeah, that'd be great...."

  14. Obviously she wasn't feeling it and pulled a hell of a show to get you out of there. Unfortunately for her, you decided to stick around anyway.

    Blue blue knows, I'm guessing he/she is part of the 3%.

  15. Obviously she wasn't feeling it and pulled a hell of a show to get you out of there. Unfortunately for her, you decided to stick around anyway.

    Blue blue knows, I'm guessing he/she is part of the 3%.

  16. shoe you are most likely part of the 3% cause when i was born i was planned unlike you.

  17. wait. wait. wait. wait. wait. What if you are a girl and you kiss a girl? Do you get each other pregnant?

  18. Nice comeback blue blue. I like how you took my exact joke, AND TURNED IT AROUND on me! Hilarious! I was planned.

  19. Yellow card for Peggy! Please try to make your comments less intelligent and sane on this forum. If you want to say something meaningful that actually touches the emotional core of my cold black heart, at least try to end it next time with "...fat bitch!" so that you don't rattle my perspective of the universe so much.


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