5/27/2010

"I'm Your Biggest Fan!"

Submitted by Ian:

Evelyn contacted me in a very strange way, and maybe this should have been my first tip-off that things were going to go badly.  She called me out of the blue and told me that she was given my contact information by Amy, a mutual friend.  Amy was a friend of mine from high school, but I hadn't spoken to her in years.  I didn't even have Amy's current contact information, so I was curious as to how Amy had mine.

Still, Evelyn played it cool.  She said, "Amy mentioned you and you sounded cool.  Want to hang out sometime?"

Despite how odd the situation was, Evelyn herself seemed interesting.  She worked at a local aquarium with the animals, and she was finishing a graduate degree in marine biology.  It was something that was always interesting to me, and she seemed, at least over the phone, to be really into it.  And me.

We met up, and the first thing I noticed about her was that she hardly blinked.  Ever.  She barely looked away from me, and she didn't blink.  Creepy. 

Number two on the spooky list was her personal space issue.  Namely, that she didn't allow for any.  She gave me a big hug when we met up, then stepped away perhaps half a foot at most.  I had to step back myself for room, but she slowly moved closer.  Maybe she thought that I wouldn't notice, but I did.

Her sneakers also had my name written on them (each one) in silver glitter pen ink.  By the instep.  Maybe she also thought that I wouldn't notice that, either.  Turns out, I noticed a lot, but not nearly enough.

She also seemed far younger than I would have imagined for someone pursuing a masters degree.

We sat down at a cafe and I started asking her questions about her marine biology studies.  Each answer she gave seemed a bit too general, and she repeatedly tried to change the subject to focus on me.

Finally, I asked her what her deal was.  I told her that something wasn't adding up about her masters program, her apparent age, my name on her sneakers (which she had been turning away from me), and just herself.  What was this all about?

She confessed that she was a current freshman at my old high school.  She had found my picture in the library's copy of my class's yearbook, had developed a major crush on me, and promised herself that she would find me.  She didn't even know who Amy was, and had taken her name randomly from the yearbook.

I could've freaked out and split, but I stuck around, although I told her that she would've been better off telling me the truth from the beginning.  She apologized over and over.

I wasn't about to commit statutory, and I told her that I wasn't planning to pursue any kind of relationship with her.  She said that she understood and that it was all okay.

We took a short walk.  When we hugged goodbye, somehow or other, we ended up kissing.  I stepped away, but she came right back up to me and plastered her lips to mine.  I went with it for a little bit, then pushed her away gently.

I told her that I had to go, thanked her for being honest, and left.

29 comments:

  1. Okay, I was totally enjoying this date until the part where you said you weren't about to get all statutory...and then you put your tongue down her throat. I know it's not the same as actually porking a 14-year-old, but dude...why would you want to French kiss a girl who probably only recently canceled her subscription to "Tiger Beat"?

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  2. @Nikki:

    Saw this and thought of you:
    http://www.bopandtigerbeat.com/featured/justin-bieber-is-ready-for-love/

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  3. Nah, Nikki, no "Tiger Beat". This girl is far too mature for boychicks of the Beiber or Jonas persuasion. She prefers an older, experienced gentleman. Someone wordly, someone urbane. The kind of man that reads "Game Pro".

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  4. PEDO-BEAR!

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  5. Hehe, this is pretty awesome though. Just imaging it is fun :)
    I would have made out with her to brah, it's the least you could do for all her troubles.

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  6. Hmmmmm, a marine biologist and a close-talker. Sounds made up, or stolen from Seinfeld. Maybe you should have told her you were an architect and worked for Vandelay Industries.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. @Jared - UGH. I'm sorry, I can't be with any guy who's not man enough to give The Shocker full-out. Don't do that pussy half-pinky nonsense; give it to me straight!

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  9. That chick is gonna just flat-out slut it up when she's 18.

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  10. @Fizziks, you can talk about anything you want, but I am pleading with you. Leave the Gamepro magazine out of this.........

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  11. http://www.mspaintadventures.com/scraps/gamebro_march.jpg

    More like gamebro, amirite

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  12. Seven-thirty5/27/2010 1:18 PM

    Was the kiss that bad? Probably caused her to ovulate on the spot. At least he could walk away. Must be hell to be a teacher and have some really attractive kid latch their heart on to you.

    Eventually we should get a story from woman who has doubts about a blind date who impulsively reveals that he was stalked by 15 year old girl who discovered him out of tens of thousands of pictures in a pile of yearbooks.

    She's determined to escape but manages to sit through a second latte. But when the guy claims that he has even posted his experience on a famous website she stands up and walks out.

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  13. I stayed on the date even though I found out she was under age. I then made out with her and changed my mind and pushed her away and yet again made out with her! Ok, what the hell. The OP forgot the part where he emailed he to call him when she was 18 so they could hook up!

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  14. ^^Hell, why wait til she was 18? Some states let you make it with girls who are 16!

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  15. Annie Wilkes: The Teenage Years

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  16. "Amy was a friend of mine from high school, but I hadn't spoken to her in years."

    Years, plural. So you were at least 20 when you made out with a 14-year-old girl. I can't express my squick level enough.

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  17. Well done OP, you made a girls dream come true and made her crazy year, without committing any crime! double points!

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  18. It's amazing you were prescient enough in HS to know your future phone number and make sure it was in your yearbook.

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  19. ^^ phone books come out every year.....

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  20. I dated a 22 year old when I was 16 and it was awesome. Except that my mother was also dating a 22 year old (who is now my step father), and they had gone to high school together. With my older sister. You know I went and checked out that yearbook!

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  21. This week on Jerry Springer: Pedophiles and the teens that love them! Don't miss next week's show when we see just how many jackasses we can ride into Fizziks' vag! It's a whole new kind of donkey show!

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  22. Good point, 6:40. It's way more likely that despite the decline of landlines and the prevelance of keeping land phone numbers unlisted, despite the high liklihood that OP moved out of his hometown and probably wasn't in the local phone book even if there was a listed land line, despite this would mean calling anyone of that name no matter what city or state since people can move anywhere, that a phonebook was clearly involved. No way did this chick google him and narrow down a list of resumes based on what his yearbook listed as his college choice and then get a phone number off of that.

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  23. I can't help feeling that there is some deep metaphorical significance related to the lack of blinking that I am missing. Any literature majors out there to fill me in?

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  24. @ The Architect I loved your comment I laughed so loud and hard my co workers probally think I am crazy! Thank you for making my day a little less crappy!

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  25. Did this really happen? Just seems a little strange. A normal person would have just been like yeah, let me get out of here. Of course I have a teacher from high school that has some sort of stalker obsession with me. So I guess I'm one to talk...

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  26. ^ And by "stalker obsession", you probably mean you got a message on facebook from an old teacher... *eye roll*

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  27. @ Anon 6:34 - I do what I can ;-) Thanks for the love!

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  28. Nocturnesthesia6/06/2010 1:35 AM

    I believe this... Shit luck, OP. Some girls who are 13 or 14 look about 19 or 20, easy. A hug goodbye is no big deal, and I don't doubt she tongue-raped you.

    But yeah, in a few years she'll definitely be knocked up and unable to narrow it down to 3 guys.

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  29. I was all with you until the bullshitted line "When we hugged goodbye, somehow or other, we ended up kissing."

    Yes, because when I have a creepy underaged stranger hitting on me, hugging them goodbye is completely appropriate. And...oops...it turned into kissing? How did that happen? Probably happened when you put your mouth on her underaged lips, tool.

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