I Can See Your Future. It Doesn't Include Me.

Submitted by Justin:

Allison was a few minutes late to our date, but that ended up being the least of my worries, as it turned out.  She apologized over and over, but said that it was for an important reason.  I didn't press her as to the reason, and we sat down to dinner without any additional issues.

Over the course of our conversation, she seemed to be interested in discovering how open-minded I was about certain things.  She asked me if I was into anything like divination or oracles.

I told her that I was agnostic and that I supposed that one thing was just as good as anything else.  As long as we didn't hurt anybody, whatever works for you, you know?

Then she asked me if I had a younger brother named Eric, which I do.  She also asked me if I was into archaeology, which I am, to an extent, and then she asked if I liked rivers, which I suppose I like as much as anyone else.

Then it was my turn to ask her: why the questions, and how did she know about my brother, Eric?

She said that she was a regular practitioner of a Ouija board that told her things with astonishing precision.  "That's how I knew about your brother's name and some of your interests.  I hope that's okay."

It weirded me out some.  Despite an open mind, I found it a little hard to believe that a board had told her my brother's name, and the other two questions could have been guesses.  Did she look me up on the Internet?  Maybe that was it.

She said that she sensed that I was doubtful and offered to prove her powers to me after dinner.

I went back to her place and she invited me into her room.  She lit several candles and pulled out a Ouija board.  She closed her eyes and asked me to put my hands next to hers on the indicator, and I did.  She told me to ask it a question.  I asked it silently, but she told me that in order for it to work, I had to ask it out loud.

I asked, "What was the name of my first pet?"  My first pet was a cat named Ralph.

The indicator slowly moved to the R, the A, the L, the P, and the H.  I swear I didn't move it or make it do anything.  There was no way that Allison could have known that.  It wouldn't have been up on the Internet anywhere.

I asked her if I could ask it something else and she said that I could.  I asked, "What's my father's middle name?"

It said some gibberish, that was all.  Allison warned me not to move it, and I told her that I wasn't.  Then she warned me again and I told her again that I hadn't moved it.

A minute later, it had stopped moving, but her eyes were still closed.  She told me to leave her house.  Something I had done had offended it.  I asked her what I had done, and she said that I couldn't begin to understand.  "Leave now," she said again.

I left, but not without looking over my shoulder the whole way back, wondering if vengeful spirits or crazy women would be coming after me.

But what does science have to say?
The Global Consciousness Project
Cats named Ralph


  1. This date was epic fail. You seriously dodged a bullet. First!

  2. One of my high school sweeties asked me to do a ouija board, it was an excuse to go to her bedroom and close the door. Ask your ouija board what happened next, hint: I ralphed through my penis.

  3. had corn in it, probably should have stuck it in her cornhole.

  4. Ugh. We have GOT to get some better comments on this thread. :P

  5. Working on it Nikki :)

    Yeah, Ouija is the new Google, didn't you know? Seriously, I think you had a 50/50 shot of becoming a human sacrifice or getting laid. I gotta say, I might have hung around to find out which.

  6. Don't you go to the movies, Architect? First laid, then human sacrifice.

  7. I think I agree with The Architect. As long as that thing doesn't give her your home or work address, I'd've stuck around. The crazies are the best in bed.

  8. 7:16, when you make a sacrifice, you have to use virgins. Once they've been sacrificed and the gods are done with them, then you're free to sex them.

  9. @Anon 7:16 - Depends on what kind of movie it is.
    Hollywood = Laid and sacrificed
    Instructional video for the occult = Sacrificed then laid


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.

Content Policy

A Bad Case of the Dates reserves the right to publish or not publish any submitted content at any time, and by submitting content to A Bad Case of the Dates, you retain original copyright, but are granting us the right to post, edit, and/or republish your content forever and in any media throughout the universe. If Zeta Reticulans come down from their home planet to harvest bad dating stories, you could become an intergalactic megastar. Go you!

A Bad Case of the Dates is not responsible for user comments. We also reserve the right to delete any comments at any time and for any reason. We're hoping to not have to, though.

Aching to reach us? abadcaseofthedates at gmail dot com.