The Dangers of Not Speaking Softly, Nor in a Civil Tone

Ah, Monica.  She works at Sephora, has a younger brother, and two loving parents.  We chatted a bit on the dating site's instant messenger thing before meeting up.

Me: Hi!
NuttyMonica22: hi
Me: It's nice to "meet" you, of sorts. What are you up to?
NuttyMonica22: nothin
Me: According to your profile, you work at Sephora. What's that like?
NuttyMonica22: yea*

*Interlude: Is being a good conversationalist too much to ask? Maybe I ask for too much, but a good conversation is certainly something I think necessary.

Me: I work in entertainment.
NuttyMonica22: u make pornos?
Me: Heh. Sadly, no.
NuttyMonica22: oh, too bad. i'd come act in one. i act sometimes.*

*Interlude: A girl who will act in a film has my attention, but one who would act in a porno has my complete attention. Fast-forward>>>

Me: Would you like to meet up sometime?
NuttyMonica22: yea. tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow? That's not too soon?
NuttyMonica22: no. i wanna grab ya before another girl does ;-)
Me: Wow. That sounds intriguing.*

*Interlude: Actually, it sounds psychotic, but let's give it a whirl!

I meet the bespectacled, dark-haired, short, slightly plump Monica in front of the Virgin Megastore in Times Square. She smells very good and she's dressed very well; a lovely blue blouse and long black skirt.

"Hi Monica! It's nice to meet you!"

She initiates a hug. "Hey, you too. Where would you like to go for lunch?"

"What are you in the mood for?"

She says, "Whatever you're in the mood for."*

*Interlude: I want a date, not a drone. Surely, you must have some opinion on the subject of where to go to eat.

"Um, well, is there anything you won't eat? I'll eat just about anything–"

"Fine! We'll eat fucking fast food! Everyone'll be happy!"

"Whoa–what? I just–wait–"

She buries her head in her hands.  "Oh God, I'm sorry. I just–ergh. I've had a crappy day. That's it."

"We can be two adults about it, though. I see no need to take it out on me."

"I wasn't taking it out on you! God, what is it with guys and–"

"Monica, calm down. You sort of did take it out on me, but if you're having a bad day, then I can just try to cheer you up–"

"Don't you tell me to calm down! You don't know what the fuck I'm going through!"*

*Interlude: I had paid $7.50 to make it down into the city. Recalling that it would take me an additional $7.50 to leave the city, I wanted to try and fix the situation so that I could at least have something to show for my $15 total transportation expenditures. There was a new cheesecake place a bit uptown I had been itching to try... now just to escape from this creature...

Looking up at the sky in hope of some divine intervention, I turn back to the fuming Monica. Her shapely pale face had faded into a deep, angry crimson. I begin stepping away from her.

"Monica, how about if we maybe just cancel this whole thing? I mean, it's obvious that–"

She grabs my jacket and pulls me towards her. "Don't leave me! Don't leave me alone!" She buries herself into my coat and puts her right thumb in her mouth.

I turn my head left and right.  Luckily, this is nothing out of the ordinary in New York.  "Monica, please–please don't do this. Come on. We'll have a good time, and we'll forget that this ever happened. Promise."*

*Translation: I'm hetero, but at this point, I'd rather be on a date with a guy.

*Fast-forward. We're in an 8th avenue kosher deli! >>>

Monica has painstakingly removed each item from her BLT, and is currently arranging the ingredients in alphabetical order on her plate. My turkey sandwich, still all in one piece, tastes all the better, for some reason.

"Monica, are you planning on eating your food-formerly-known-as-sandwich?"

She shoots me a look that would emasculate an elephant. "Casey thought it was cute when I did this."


She leans back and crumples into herself, darkly. "My former boyfriend."

"Oh. You know what's funny?"


"The fact that I'm not Casey."

The meal is completed in silence. She shoots plentiful dirty looks over her glasses at me. Afterwards, we walk out of the deli. I'm anxious to bring the date to a close, but it's not quite done yet. Oh no, not by a long shot.

She cocks her head and smiles devilishly. "Take a walk with me?"*

*No. Say no. Just say, "No thanks. I want to go home." Say, "You're nuts," and run away. Do NOT take a walk with this girl. Do you hear me? Hello?

I say, "Sure. Where to?"

"The park."

"Central park?"

"No, fuckhead, MacArthur Park! Yes, Central Park! God!"

She storms on ahead. I take my chance, turn on my heels, and walk in the opposite direction. I don't need this. I need cheesecake.

Sure enough, I hear her feet hitting the pavement in my direction. I quicken my pace, delaying the inevitable feel of her desperate hands on my jacket again. Yank!

"Where are you going? Don't leave me! I'm okay... I'm okay... I'm okay..."

"Christ, Monica, ease off! What the hell is wrong with you?"

She caresses my face and leans in for a kiss. I pull away.*

*I like kisses. For me to refuse one, there has to be something really wrong. Like a psycho girl, for instance.

She gives me a pained look, then walks towards the park. I shrug and decide to follow her. Why not? It promises to be an entertaining jaunt, and we'll be near that fine cheesecake place.


We're sitting in the park. Her head is on my shoulder and she takes my hand. "Casey and I used to walk here all of the time."

"Uh-huh," I say, barely paying attention.

"Casey and I had a great time together."

"I'm sure," I mutter, watching an attractive blonde walk past.

"Casey and I fucked behind that bush over there."

I stand up. "Hey, Monica, guess what?"


I state the conclusion of my findings, "You're a fucking psychopath!"

She stands up, comes right into my face, and screams, "I'm the nicest fucking girl you'll ever fucking meet! All I've done today is treat you like a fucking prince!"

Calmly, I move in for the kill. "Monica, please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"How dare you fucking take me out and treat me like–"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"Fuck you and fuck your civil tone bullshit!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

She raises her arm to hit me, but she hasn't counted on my summer camp karate lessons. I do a quick high block as her arm sails at my head. Her fist ricochets into her nose, which she clutches with both hands.

"My nose! My fucking nose!"

"Please speak softly and in a civil–"

"You broke my fucking nose!" She waves her arms about, and indeed, her nose is bleeding slightly.

Cracking up, I barely utter my final, "Please speak softly and in a civil tone."

"Aaaaaaagh!" she screams and gives chase. I'm faster. Losing her easily, I slip inside of the dessert place, order a slice of cheesecake, walk back to Grand Central, and take the train home.


NuttyMonica22: hello?
NuttyMonica22: i'm sosososososo sorry
NuttyMonica22: please talk to me
Me: Casey broke up with you because you don't speak softly nor in a civil tone.

///You have added NuttyMonica22 to your Block List>>>


  1. The way i see it is she shouldn't have tried to hit him he had every right to block it. He didnt haul off and deck her she hit herself. I would blocked it to. Just because she has boobs doesn't mean she has a right to go around hitting people. Cut the guy some slack he's a human not a saint I would put the clingly bi-polar thumb sucker in her place long before that.
    oh and before the chavinistic comments roll in I am a woman.

  2. I see no way in which her nose was actually broken. It's just the story of a douche guy and a crazy girl. They seem made for each other.

  3. I'm with the Original Poster on this one (Jared, is it?) I've been on a million dates (well, before I met my beautiful girlfriend a year ago) and you NEVER can tell--sometimes a few slip ups are just that; slip ups. She wants to go for a walk and whatnot and you say "well I shouldn't but...what the hell let's see what happens"

    I don't agree however with going out on a first date with some gal who can't stop telling me about her ex-BF who she CLEARLY is still waaaaay into, and is just using me for a free meal and a [temporary] distraction.

  4. This sounds pretty fake, and what an annoying read! OP - SUCH a DOUCHE!

  5. My cats breath smells like catfood.

  6. The phrase "Don't leave me" on a first date is the ultimate clue to leave someone.

    ...unless you're dating up and she's dating down...

  7. So...all you people that want to tell the posters that it's their fault for staying with the date after it became very clear it was a bad one....where are you? Jared, sure, yes, she was whiney and needy and had knee-jerk bitchy reactions. And you? You seemed to find the psycho bit intriguing at first, then when she snaps at you neither accept her (voluntary?) apology *nor* leave the date. You then proceed to provoke her at every point of crazy instead of leaving as you keep saying you wish to do. So you are repeatedly provoking a person with issues. You follow her to a park, you say to be closer to your beloved cheesecake, but let's face it: by this point it's clear that you want to make her act even crazier for your own amusement.

    The kicker? After literally calling her a "fucking psychopath" complete with exclamation mark you somehow think the thing to do is still stick around and keep repeating "Please speak softly and in a civil tone"???? A *normal* person would be driven totally off the rails by that irritating, and yes, crazy behavior on your part. You were right. She's a psycho. That's more evident by the fact she still wanted to work something out with you after all that happened.

    But if you want to fight crazy with dickwadness, quitchyerbitchin' about the cost of travel and treat it like the entertainment expense it was. Tool.

    I think deep down you know better than to be this self-serving. And it isn't going to get you what you want out of life. I'm having site problems attaching my name to this (which I feel is important), but if you indicate you want to know I'll email you.

  8. I bet she was a freak in the sack. If she sucks her thumb so much, imagine how good she'll be at sucking other things. You couldn't have tuned her out long enough to bang her behind the bushes like her ex?

  9. This sounds like complete fiction.

  10. I'm with you Anon 1:47. Sounds like "alexbabe197" recycled with a new coat of paint...

  11. Is it bad that I laughed out loud?

  12. If $15 is that big a hit for you, you might want to date closer to home. There must be SOME lady in Queens who'll meet your qualifications!

  13. How did you happen to notice that she was putting her food items in alphabetical order? Sounds like you two were secret soulmates. Plus, can you REALLY buy a BLT in a KOSHER deli?


  15. Overwrought, could be summarized in a single sentence: "I am still single because I am better than all womens." What a tool. These kinds of stories almost make me stop reading. Almost. It's the non-JMG ones that keep me going.

  16. BLTs are already in alphabetical order.

  17. You are a misogynist who loves drama.

  18. These posts are all made up bull. Then enter the fact that her protrays a "better then everyone" attitude in his made up stories. Please dont post any more of this crap.

  19. This post is too bizarre to be true. It surely must be a work of fiction.

  20. An aweful, aweful post. Now I must carve out that part of my brain where the memory of it is stored...

  21. I love how no one in the comments can EVER agree on who's right or wrong in any particular date story, but we can all agree that Jared is just the absolute worst.

  22. "BLTs are already in alphabetical order." HAHAHAHAHA thank god someone caught that!

    Also, Jared, it's pretty obvious you write these because, despite insult after insult, you still seem to think that breaking the fourth wall to talk to your audience is actually a good style of writing/telling a story. IT ISN'T. It's so fucking self-righteous, as if you can never delve fully into the story itself without looking for validation on part of your actions. You're a shitty story teller and you're totally full of yourself. Get over it.

  23. Hooray that someone else noticed the glaring issues with the BLT already being in alphabetical order AND not actually being available in a Kosher deli.

    And 6:05--you made me crack the hell up. So true. Even the people who thought that the girl was a nutcase and should have been left in an alley somewhere agreed that Jared is a loser douche who will remain single long after this site has lost its popularity. ;D

  24. "Hooray that someone else noticed the glaring issues with the BLT already being in alphabetical order..."

    How stupid are you people? Did you even read the story? She was taking the ingredients OFF of the sandwich and arranging them in alphabetical order. You know, like the bacon on the left side, the lettuce to the right...she wasn't re-arranging the letters of the word for christsakes.

  25. What a dumbass, the girl met up with the express purpose of getting laid. Stated this fact within the first few sentences when she volunteered to act in a porno, then purposely carried you to a place where she had already had sex, and offered again. I bet she did freak, she was under the impression you were a man. Captain Obvious missed every single cue,

  26. Argh. Please stop posting this kind of story. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is meant to be a parody of the stereotypically self-centered pompous douche, but even given that caveat, you're not as funny or as clever as you think you are. And if this isn't parody but intended to be a straight-up "Fuck me, but I'm clever" hagiography about how cool it is that you NEVER get laid, then you should consider therapy, or better yet, go out and talk to an actual girl to see what they sound like. Nobody likes a pretentious dipshit who needs to berate other people's grammar and punctuation to make themselves feel superior.

    I still think this guy's posts are meant as "clever" pastiches, though. Too bad they still suck.

  27. She was crazy, you're a douche. Doesn't matter though, because I enjoyed reading every second of it :) please keep dating these freaks and let us know about it.

  28. Wow, I just don't get all of you commenters. The story was fantastic and the interludes make it all the better because we all have that inner monologue. Jared already knew the date was going to be...if not bad then at least interesting in a crazy sort of way from their online chats. But when she volunteered her services in a porno then logic dictated that he must go on a date with this woman. Of course she turned out to be a super clingy still-in-love-with-her-ex psycho but the train wreck had already been started. Morbid curiosity demands that he see just how bad it got and I for one am glad he stuck it out to bring us this fine story. Keep them coming Jared, you are so not a douche.

  29. This is why you don't look for dates on the internet. Just go out and find someone. I mean really, where do you THINK the crazies go? Obviously no one they know will date them b/c they're psycho, so they go online where they can play pretend. Get off the computer and out in real life if you want to meet a normal girl. If, however, you want to continue producing stories for the website, stay online, it seems to be a common theme. Yes, she was crazy, and yes, Jared was a douchemover. The story sounds fake anyway.

  30. Guys, if a chick told you she wanted to act in your porn movies before you even met her, wouldn't you stay on a date with her long after she exhibited signs of being a total loon? I don't know one man who wouldn't. This chick is probably banging a doctor in a mental facility right now.

  31. So Anonymous at 9:25 is Jared.

  32. @Anon4:36 -- haha, I know right. Or it's his douchey soul mate!

  33. Ok, the story was classic, but the comments are unbelievable! totally halarious! what a bunch of maroons!

    I can hardly wait for more....Steee-ven....... :)

  34. 11:58-- A bunch of maroons? Irony alert, moron. You don't even know how to spell your own name. Do you have a sister named Jenifer?

  35. i hate stories from this guy

  36. @12:59

    Maroon is a word too, with a similar context. Moron. <3


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