Why I Only Eat Egg Rolls With a Knife

Story Sent in by Jessica:

I went on a date recently with a guy I met on OkCupid. We had a pretty high match percentage and he seemed nice enough, so hey, why not?

We talked for a while and he was totally normal and we had some common interests, etc. I'm very clear on my dating profile that I'm not interested in casual sex. I arrived at the Chinese restaurant and the first thing I noticed was that he looked nothing like his photos. I seriously don't know if maybe he used pictures of a younger, better-looking brother or what the deal was, but he wasn't what I signed up for. But whatever, I had already taken a cab all the way out there and at the very least I figured maybe I could make a new friend out of the situation.

So we sat down and ordered some appetizers. Our egg rolls came out and I was about halfway through with mine when I realized he was staring at me.

"Something wrong?" I asked.

He broke out into a huge grin and said, "I was just thinking that that egg roll is about the same shape and size as my dick. So when you put your mouth on it, I can kinda picture what you would look like blowing me."

Needless to say, I didn't finish my egg roll. I got up and spoke to the hostess and asked for my half of the check and for my entree to go. I went back to the table to wait for my food and my cab home and my lovely date asked me probing questions about my sexual preferences and history.

Our entrees came out and mine was in a box. My date looked perplexed. I explained that I was waiting for my cab, had paid for my meal to go, and that he was a complete and utter pig.

He then shouted, in the middle of the crowded restaurant, "Well, if you don't want people to make sexual comments to you, you shouldn't be ordering dick-shaped foods, you skank!"

I went home and enjoyed my non-phallic food with my cat and went to bed.


  1. This is why I have stopped taking women to cafes serving yogurt parfaits. Inevitably, she gets one that has a sliced banana, and I say "you eating that makes me think of you cutting off my dick and slicing it up." Then I scream "Demon!" and push her chair over (as one would).

    That's something you can explain to a reasonable cop once or twice or four times, but after the fifth time, the cops act like it's my fault.

  2. This happens to me too, except it's with baby carrots...

  3. Anyone else think of "Superbad"?

    1. Reminds me of Stifler from American Pie.

  4. OP should have mentioned that she was leaving because the "egg roll" was too small.

  5. Do you think the folds on both ends hurt? Maybe that's a result of a botched circumcision and it's "insensitive" to comment on it.


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