A Brand New Key

Story Sent in by Elena:

I like retro. So did Juan. So our first date was at an antiques fair. At first it was a lot of fun. We both saw things we liked and he even had an impressive knowledge of various styles and design fads. I did have a good time with him. At first.

Then he opened a drawer in an old bureau and we found that it was full of those old iron skeleton keys. I've always liked them and went through them a little bit.

Juan reached into his pocket and pulled out a keyring that must have had close to 100 keys on it. I've never before seen so many keys arranged in such an ungainly clump. He said, "Now these are keys."

I asked him, "What are all those for?"

He said, "A girl's apartment." He then winked at me and elbowed me hard like I was one of his bros.

"Ow!" I said, unimpressed.

But he wasn't done. He showed me one of his keys and said, "This is for Stacy," then another one, "This is for Molly," then another, "This is for Christine," then, "This is for Christina. Different from Christine."

He went one for a few more until I said, "Okay. Wow. Thanks."

He pointed at the bureau with the keys. "That guy must've been Casanova or something like that. But I'm a close second! Look at all these keys!"

He jingled them in my face. The rest of our time at the fair, he talked more about his keys and his women than anything else we saw or did. Once we were done looking around we were supposed to grab a bite but I told him I had to go and so I did.


  1. He never said he slept with those girls. They were the girl he was currently stalking and had managed to get a copy of their keys.

    More likely, they were reminders of all the girls who had only gone out on one date with the loser, then dumped him.

    1. His name was Juan... He obviously has a landscaping business, which would require a lot of keys...

  2. Should have prefaced the date by asking how used he was

    1. He did try this one, but it didn't work well, as we learnt recently. So he tried a new approach ...

  3. She should be checking her pockets to make sure she still has her own keys..

  4. You misunderstood, the girls' apartments are actually the cages he keeps them in in his bunker.

  5. To the dear readers of this blog, please remember that boasting about the number of lovers you had in the past is never a winning move. It never impresses anyone. Worse, it's a big red flag... enough said

    1. Also, don't brag about all your comment secks. That's just poor taste.

    2. The same goes with backhanded compliments, how much you wish your ex was dead, family drama, bodily functions, and mocking your date's political views, especially if your date has controversial views. Oh, and the topic of marriage or children, especially if this is a first date.


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