Rumped Up Kicks

Story Sent in by Tatiana:

It was pretty clear that Joe was far less interested in me than in his new sneakers. "I just got them today," he said at dinner, "They cost, like, $250."

I wasn't into expensive footwear and anyone who spends $250 on sneakers needs to have their head examined. But Joe wouldn't shut up about them and so I actually learned more about his shoes than I ever really needed to. They were made from a rare type of leather and the air bladders had super-compressed-liquid-helium or something. Wow. Great.

At one point he even said he had bought them to impress me. I guess it didn't surprise me to hear it. He asked so little about me and my interests that for all he knew, maybe I was into them. But I wasn't.

After dinner was when the real entertainment began. We walked through a neighborhood and he pointed to a stone wall around someone's property. It was taller than he was by half at least. "Wanna bet I can jump it?" he asked.

I wanted to see him make a fool out of himself so I said, "Bet you can't!"

He broke for the wall at a run and leaped for the top...

...and he fell on his butt. Undeterred, he jumped up from where he was and scrambled over it. He went over head first, then yelled right before crunching to the ground on the other side.

"Agh! Aaaagh! Oh God! Aaagh!" I heard him moan.

"You all right?" I asked him.

He had fallen into a tangle of thorns. I listened as he groaned and dragged himself along the wall, looking for an opening, reaching a dead end, then having to backtrack and finally slipping out at a driveway. He was bleeding from a few places and said he wanted to go home.

"Did I impress you, at least?" he asked as we hobbled back to where we had parked.

I pointed at a high chain link fence in an alleyway and said, "If you can jump that, I'll be impressed." I really hoped he would do it, and he ran for it at first but then he gave up and said, "Next time."

There was no next time, so I guess I'll never know.


  1. At least OP discovered her true calling as a supervillan and we got footage of Joe's antics.

  2. You were so bored that seeing him cause more self-harm was the only cure? I say Joe's the winner here!

  3. OP, as a supporter of active Darwinism, you are my hero. If I were single (or my girlfriend was into threesomes), I would totally date you.


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