Darkest Harvest

Story Sent in by Alma:

Kevin asked me in an email before our date, "What are you doing for Darkharvest?"

I had never heard of "Darkharvest" before and I couldn't find any info about it online. I asked him, "What's Darkharvest?"

He replied, "A holiday I made up."

Well that explained it. I replied, "I have no specific plans for it. Can you tell me more about it?"

In his following message he ignored my question and so I just shrugged it off as a character quirk. That turned out to be a mistake.

We met in person at a nice Italian restaurant in a nearby town. He was dressed all in black: black pants, black button-down, and a black necktie. At first I wondered if he was impersonating a waiter or a stagehand or something similar. But no. He was dressed the way he was because...

"It's for Darkharvest," he said as we sat, "That holiday I was telling you about."

He went on to tell me that Darkharvest commemorated the particular day during which in three different years, people close to him had died. He said, "It's no coincidence. Darkharvest is cursed and I mean to appease whatever it is that has cursed my family."

Already guessing the answer before I asked, I said, "When is Darkharvest?"

He said, "Today. It's why I'm dressed like this. I'm surprised you aren't dressed for the occasion. I told you when it was."

He hadn't, and I reminded him of that. But he simply didn't hear it and went on about the three deaths he meant to commemorate. I asked him how he commemorated the dead and he said, "I think about them a lot and I chant. I can't believe you didn't even dress for it. You know how important this is to me."

I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You never explained it to me before now. You just told me it was a holiday you made up."

He said, "When you say it like that you make it sound stupid. I know three dead people who would disagree."

Surrendering, I told him that I didn't mean to make it sound stupid and that I was sorry for his three losses. He then took that as an excuse to fill me in all about them: two grandparents and an aunt. He droned on and on about them and how important they were and how one of them "invented cell phone technology" and another one was "on the team that invented automatic transmission technology." He said, "Someone or something cursed them and they all died on the same day within five years of each other."

I asked, "Who do you think cursed them."

"Don't know. Probably a dark sorcerer. The only thing powerful enough."

I said, "Wow. I'll keep my eye out for any."


I asked, "So how will you appease a dark sorcerer?"

He said, "I don't know. I'm not a paladin or magical knight, yet. Right now it's more mental magic. Just thinking about them and chanting. If you could change into something black, that would be a really nice expression of solidarity."

I didn't have a change of clothes with me because I was on a first date. I told him I didn't have any other outfits.

He asked, "Are you maybe wearing a black bra? Even that would count."

I said, "I'm not."

He asked, "Could you maybe just say you are?"

"But I'm not."

It was then that I noticed one of his hands straying down his lap and rubbing a certain area. He said again, "Just say you are. Say you are."

I stood up and said, "You know what? I do have something black to put on, out in my car. I'll be right back."

Was I right back? Or back at all? Nope.


  1. Oh no OP, the dark sorcerer isn't going to like that. You might have to appease him by going to a cook out.

  2. ^^^--- oohhh, good call on the The Burbs! I watched it with friends in Jr High and from then on whenever we wanted pizza it was always "Call the Pizza Dude, dude!" I went to several 80s parties last weekend, I saw Marty McFly, flash dance, TMNT, Robert Palmer's girls, etc, but nobody did The Burbs. Next 80s party I go to I'm bringing The Burbs.

  3. It's bad form OP, wearing the wrong underwear for the holiday. Sacrilege!

    He should have known that to defeat a dark sorcerer he needs to be at least power level 70,000.

    And there is nothing wrong with a guy who needs to rub his crotch on a first date either.

  4. ^^ Favorite Tom Hanks movie EVER. And I think most people have never seen it. Also a stellar performance by Bruce Dern. In reference to the dog that took a dump on his lawn, and I quote:

    "That scum-sucking, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn. I find one more- just one- and I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut."


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