And Would Red or White Be Appropriate?

Story Sent in by Jackie:

At first Ethan came across as perfectly jovial and humorous online. But as the days approached our first date, he became quieter and more apathetic for no apparent reason. It was obvious in the way he spoke and I asked him if he was okay. He assured me that he was but I knew something was up.

On our date itself, he seemed to be going through the motions but didn't really seem to want to be there. During dinner I asked him what was up and he finally told me:

"I was on a date earlier this week and the girl said I was skeevy. Do I seem skeevy to you?"

He didn't, although it was his candor that surprised me. I asked him, "Did you do anything she might have taken the wrong way?"

"I just asked her if she preferred powdered sugar or honey."

That sounded like a perfectly harmless statement. I said, "Why would she consider that skeevy?"

He replied, "I asked her if there would be a better chance that she'd give me a tongue bath if I doused myself in sugar or honey and she just started squirming. How about you? Sugar or honey?"

I said, "Um... yeah. That's kind of skeevy."

He said, "Not you, too. I take showers. Assume my skin is clean. Sugar or honey? And how long do you think it would take you to finish? I'd want you to be thorough."

"This is not a good first-date conversation."

"I'm not asking you to do it!" he snapped, "I just want to have a mental picture. Now can you just tell me one or the other?"

I suddenly recalled that his profile mentioned a peanut allergy. I said, "If you covered yourself in peanut butter, I'd consider it."

"I'd croak!" he said, "You're clearly not taking this seriously."

I had already mentally checked out by then. Out of politeness I stuck around for the rest of dinner. We both paid our shares and aside from asking me a few more times if I preferred sugar or honey, the skeevy date ended without incident.


  1. This guy makes my skin crawl. OP, why did you stay? To give him more ideas for food to have lapped off of him? You tease!

    Also, the correct answer is powdered sugar. It's less sticky.

  2. Clearly what ever answer she said, that mental image was going into his spank bank.

    Also, I'm a chocolate pudding sort of man myself. Just saying. Feel free to put that in your spank bank.

  3. We must know the same Ethans.


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