What You Can't Do for Your Country

Story Sent in by Liz:

Ray was a guy I knew in my local commuter college who, like me, never left town. We became friends, fell out of touch for a bit, then became reacquainted through a local book club. We had some things in common, and this led to a date.

While we were out together, we caught up and talked about all kinds of things. During one break in the conversation as we ambled down a sidewalk, he whispered to me, "I know who really killed JFK."

"So do I," I said, "Lee Harvey Oswald."

He laughed to himself and shook his head. "Sheep. You don't know? Really?"

"I just told you," I reminded him, "Lee Harvey Oswald."

"No!" he said with way more vehemence than necessary. "It was LBJ!"

"I see. Where's your proof?"

"Proof? Proof? Uh, like only 500 books have been written on it."

I said, "And hundreds more have been written about the end of the world and monster sightings. But that doesn't make them true."

"Listen sheep," he said in as condescending a manner as possible, "LBJ did it. They found his fingerprints, blood samples, and hair all over the gun."

"Lee Harvey Oswald's?"

"LBJ's! LBJ's!"

He was talking loud enough to attract attention from other people nearby, and little flecks of spit flew out of his mouth. Wow. This subject really excited him!

He went on, "It was LBJ. LBJ and the CIA and George Bush–"

"Ha! He couldn't conspire his way out of a donut shop."

"George H. W. Bush! H. W.! And LBJ, CIA, FBI, and the Ruskies."

"And Mr. Potato Head!" I volunteered, trying to be helpful.

His hands went to his face then, and he balled them into fists. Had what I said upset him? "Oh God," he said a few times, then put his hands down and stared into space and said, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

I consoled him a bit and we went out for ice cream. The JFK talk stopped completely and we engaged in stilted small talk for the rest of our time out together. But it was our only time out together, because I never went on a date with the crazy man again.


Alien KGB oil magnates did it.


  1. On Taco Tuesdays, I always get "el BJs!"

  2. ^ HA!

    Geez, I don't think Ray knows anything. Pretty much everyone I know is sure that John Wilkes Booth shot JFK after he got Lincoln. He was a time traveler called the Presidential Terminator 1000. I thought everyone knew this? We talk about it at our monthly meetings after we all don our tinfoil hats to keep the spy satellites from reading our brain waves.

  3. Actually, in Steven Sondheim's play "Assassins" John Wilkes Booth's ghost does come back and convinces Lee Harvey to shoot JFK. And I know what you get on Taco Tuesdays, Steve. I'm always your waitress. ;) Oh, and also, OP there's a whole world out there, you should maybe leave your town.

  4. Ice-Cream-with-crazy-sprinkles Whore.


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