Old Soldiers Never Die

Story Sent in by Mindy:

Wyatt emailed me on a dating site. His profile mentioned that he was a veteran. I asked him via email more about it, and if he was comfortable talking about it. He replied that he was fine with it, but that it was a long story and that it would be better told in person.

In person, at a bar together, Wyatt regaled me with stories of his experiences and heroism in the war. Which war, you ask?

"World War II was awful," Wyatt said, "They had me in both the European and Pacific theaters." He said it with a straight face.

This date took place in December 2008. Wyatt couldn't have been more than 30. I told him, "You look young for a WWII vet."

"Everyone tells me that. I'm blessed. I killed more than a few men on both sides of the world, I'll tell you that."

He launched into a long, obviously well-rehearsed tale about how Roosevelt had chosen him especially for espionage missions against the Japanese and Germans. The best part was when he said that both sides of the war were actually under the sway of a single German-Japanese leader, a shadowy figure bent on world domination.

"I saw him once, without his hood and cloak," Wyatt said, "He looked like a Chinese David Hasselhoff."

"You saw him? Why didn't you kill him?"

"He was surrounded by top Nazi snipers and Japanese assault commandos. There was no way I could've done it and made it out alive."

"But you could've sacrificed yourself and ended the war."

He shook his head. "He had nuclear devices planted in allied cities across the globe. If I killed him, we'd never find out where they were. Turns out that Stalin knew, but we didn't know that, then."

And so on. Though I was impressed with his imagination and encyclopedic knowledge of the war, I guess maybe he was just way too old for me. And, yeah, stark delusional.


  1. Yeah he'd have to be around 83 years old in 2008 in order for the story to remotely work.

  2. Captain America strikes out?

  3. Oh yeah. I bet he could have been captain america. Did you ask him if he was? Call him up!

  4. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  5. Yeah, it's obviously that this dude is lying, for the Axis powers were under the control of Chunky Horse, not some Chinese David Hasselhoff!

  6. Yes, of course it was Chunky Horse, but that's top secret information, so this Captain America had to make up the Chinese David Hasselhoff story to keep the secret.

  7. It's obvious the OP has a hearing disability and that Wyatt is the illustrious and blessed Art Vandelay. I heard a very similar story from Art when he was addressing an excellent property law seminar. It was a wonderful event with 500 lawyers & architects holding hands and defecating together.
    If the OP had decent hearing she would have realize Art was lecturing on European & Pacific architecture with an amusing side tale about lowering his belt and having nocturnal emissions against the Germans & Japanese. Also that "shadowy figure bent on world domination" was of course our very own Cunty Hasselhorse.

  8. @ TryN2Fly - I remember that seminar....good times, good times.

    This guy played way too much Call of Medal of Wolfenstein Duke Nukem 3D mixed in with a healthy sprinkle of (as Small City Girl would say)the cray cray. I'll be laughing all day trying to imagine a curly haired Chinese guy running down a beach in a (communist) red swimsuit with a life preserver/destroyer.


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