Grin and Bullet

(How do you present your writing in an industry that judges a book by its cover? Click here to find out on this week's Jared's Inkwell! -JMG)

Story Sent in by Dennis:

"Ralphie... Ralphie, Ralphie, Ralphie."

It was date número uno with Paula, and she was sitting across from me in an outdoor seating area in a park, singing the name "Ralphie" while staring off into space.

I asked her, "Ralphie a friend of yours?"

"How do you know Ralphie?" she asked.

"You're singing his name. Who is he?"

She replied, "An ex who I shot because he asked too many questions." She then looked away and sang my own name in the same way: "Dennis... Dennis, Dennis, Dennis..."

I had to ask, "Um... does that mean I'm next?"

She stood up and said, "Not if I stop myself by leaving now. Goodnight." She left me there. Also, it was mid-afternoon.


  1. Before I began my Perfect Relationship (YAY!) with the illustrious Art Vandelay, I briefly had a PR© with a guy named Ralphie. He was a bespectacled weenie who was obsessed with Red Ryder bb guns. I didn't shoot him but he did shoot his own eye out. That event inspired me to become a lady lawyer. I sued the Red Ryder company (and later the Ovaltine company) on Ralphie's behalf but we lost because the jury was chalked full of blue collar non-degree holding chumps who had bad relationships and were jealous of my ability to cultivate perfect relationships with men who really love me.

    I'll never forget the jury foreman - it was some architect that claimed they designed housing for bold, cunty lady lawyers.

  2. Bullets are NOT a vegetable.


    P.S. - "cunty" is my new favorite word!

  3. @ Devil - That verdict was sound! We the jury all agreed that the lawyer for poor Ralphie was a total bitch who deserved to lose. Her relationship with Art Vandelay was too perfect so we had to take her down a peg! He deserved to win the Ovaltine suit though. No one should ever have to drink that crap. And that "decoder ring"....come on! What a cheap piece of junk.

    I loved this date! She had the best "Get out of a date with a C.H.U.D." move I've ever seen! Threatening murder is definitely a mood killer. I'm just in awe.

  4. @TheArchitect - Damn you for abusing the legal system! If I weren't busy with finals and trying many real legal cases, I'd sue you! I already have one pending lawsuit against Steve for implying that my relationship with Art isn't perfect so consider yourself lucky!

    PS - I love that Steve is trying to make "Frankly" the new meme. If I weren't happy and getting regular hot, lusty sex with Art, I'd so rub my cunty on Steve.

  5. I just like 'cunty' because it opens the door for so many more variations.

    Woman A is cuntier than Woman B, but Woman C is the cuntiest of them all!

    Cunty Horse!

  6. Blue Blue: "I guess she didn't like it when he asked about her ex Ralphie. He should not have asked about her ex Ralphie."

  7. op, i would have started singing her name and saying i just shot and bury my ex and your next if you don't cut out that bs.

  8. A rather bold but cruel lady lawyer once told me my face was a bit cunty with all the flaps and giblets. I didn't take it too hard as I'd just had a meeting with her illustrious boyfriend Art Vandelay and none of us could get rid of the stink on our fingers after shaking hands with Art. Clearly the smug lawyers feminine hygiene is rather putrid. That gal is blue collar & unwashed on the inside. Poor Art, he said he is afraid to leave her in case she sues, so he just plays the part of the perfect boyfriend and blows all his money on hand sanitizer.

    Yours cuntly, The Beautiful Griffin

  9. I'll be cunty for you Steve. And also, I may or may not have given Art Vandalay a little oral action. Maybe he's not such a perfect boyfriend after all.

  10. I'd like to rub my face on Steve.

  11. What the hell, tanette! How very dare you claim that you "may or may not" have given my darling Art oral love! That is libel! Libel, libel, libel. Expect a process server at your door very soon missy!

    As for you TryN2Fly, my lady lawyer vagina is clean as a whistle and smells like a thousand rose gardens! That's right, even my anatomy is perfect! I don't even void my bowels because I have evolved past that kind of ickery. Again, libel! Cease and desist!!!

  12. My mistake Devil, Art must have been fingering someone else.


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