Blue Gene, Baby Queen

Story Sent in by Lucas:

I wrote a message to April online and after about a week, we met in person. She was cute and pretty interesting. She had actually worked in a circus as an acrobat and was in the midst of writing a doctoral dissertation. I was considering the pursuit of a doctorate, and so I figured we'd have a lot to talk about.

The first inkling that things wouldn't go quite right came before we even met for dinner. I asked her, over email, if she'd be okay with Italian. She said she would. Then, an hour later, she asked me if I could instead pick out a place that had Chinese or Japanese.

I wrote back and recommended one Chinese place and one Japanese. She replied and asked if we could meet at a specific place that was neither Italian nor Chinese nor Japanese: it was a place with American fare. I wasn't sure why she wouldn't have just named that place as a preference from the start, but I was okay with it, so we met there.

At dinner, she asked for two glasses of water. Apparently, she was thirsty. Then she asked me, "Does your family have any genetic problems?"

I asked, "Like kids born with an eye in their foot or something?"

"Anything. Developmental disabilities, retardation, physical imperfections, psychoses, and so forth."

I thought about it, then said, truthfully, "I have an uncle whose pointer finger and middle finger are the same length."

April cringed. I added, "But he's the only one who has it."

She stretched out her fingers at me and said, "Show me your fingers."

I presented them to her, and she studied them closely. It must've looked strange to anyone watching. She sighed, I guessed in relief, and remarked, "Wrinkly," then said, "But I guess it's okay. I have a thing about guys' body quirks. I don't want to pass anything on to my kids. I'm genetically perfect. Two doctors have told me."

"Were they real doctors?"

"Uh... yeah."

I thought, then asked, "Did you ever wear braces?"


"Shouldn't someone genetically perfect have been born with perfect teeth?"

She talked over me and said, "Except for that. I'm genetically perfect except for my teeth, but now they're perfect so it's all fine."

I teased, "One of your eyes looks a little smaller than the other."

"One of the doctors said that I was one of a kind, so I'll defer to their judgment. If you can't recognize perfection, then maybe the problem's with you, and that's a problem that I don't want to pass on to my children."

"If you're one of a kind, then how are you going to find your ideal someone else?"

She hesitated, then said, "I'm sure I'm not the only one. Have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince."

"So you're saying the doctor was wrong about you being one of a kind? What else could this doctor have been wrong about?"

She cut me off again. "Will you stop it? The fact is that I'm genetically superior. All the jealousy in the world won't change that."

We didn't talk much more about it. When the check came, wouldn't you know it, the genetically superior one at the table didn't offer to pay for her meal. The politeness-superior one, though, asked her to pay up. We didn't go out again. I prefer my women with a bit of imperfection in them. And humility.


  1. Is she related to Hitler?

  2. I think April's doctor is Josef Mengele because I can't imagine any non-Nazi doctor would tell her such bullshit. And seriously, women need to stop with the gene pool and kid talk on the first date. I get that some women are obsessed with having a good looking smart kid but think that shit, don't say it.

  3. Is calling your index finger a 'pointer finger' an American thing?


  4. We do sometimes call it that, but I usually call it my index. I feel like saying 'index' makes me sound a little more educated.

    Devil, I second that. Nothing makes a date more awkward than talk of kids or even marriage for that matter. It seems like it would be common sense not to mention those things but I actually had to give a friend of mine legit advice because on almost every date she went on, she would inform the guy that if they were to get married, she is the "queen of the castle."

    On a side note, if women want "perfect" children, I doubt they will have expectations that can be fully met by someone they meet online. Don't they have clinics where women can pick out their babies features nowadays?


  5. I fully applaud the OP for asking this eugenics freak to pay up for her half of the meal! She's "one of a kind"....Aren't we all? Isn't that what makes DNA testing and finger printing possible?

  6. admittedly she is socially inept.

    however, by being upfront with her dating/mating idiosyncrasies, i'd say that she is benefiting both her and her dates. 1) she weeds out all of the genetically inferior suitors. and 2) she lets the red flag wave high for anyone who happens not to be as particularly intersted in eugenics as she is.

  7. Some famous dead guy, Nathaniel Hawthorne I think, wrote a story about a doctor with a stunningly gorgeous wife who was as sweet as she was fine. But she had a small birthmark which drove the psychotically perfectionist doc bonkers. He finally developed a potion which eradicated the birthmark. Then she died, because nothing perfect can stay in this world.


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