Perhaps She Saw a Squirrel Performing a Handstand

Story Sent in by Dick:

Laura and I started dating about a month and a half before my birthday. She offered to take me to a Green Bay Packers game for the event, which I thought was a really generous offer. I even told her, "You don't have to do that," but she insisted. To thank her for that, I insisted that she let me take her out to an excellent meal, and although she was hesitant at first, she finally agreed to it.

The dinner went great. No complaints there. The day of the game, a little less than a week afterward, was when the "fun" really started.

The plan was for me to meet her at her house, and then drive together in my car to Lambeau Field. When I arrived at her house, I rang her doorbell. No answer. I knocked on her door and then called her. Still no answer.

As a last resort, I tried her door. It was open, and I took a few steps inside and called for her. No response. That was weird. I called again and walked in a bit further, until I reached her kitchen.

There she stood: erect, wide-eyed, and staring out the kitchen window at something I couldn't see.

"Laura?" I said, "Are you ready to go? Did you hear me calling for you?"

She stared out that window as if she was made of stone. I looked out the window, myself, but there was nothing there aside from trees and the neighbor's fence.

"Laura? What's wrong?" I shook her gently by the shoulder. She felt tense. I situated myself in front of her as best as I could and repeated her name over and over. I turned her head to face me, but when I looked into her eyes, it was as if she was looking right through me.

I spent the better part of a half-hour moving her gently, trying to make her laugh, tickling her, and talking to her. She was catatonic. I told her that I was going to call 911 if she didn't respond to me, but she made no movement and said no word. She was definitely still breathing, and when I stopped touching her, she remained standing but stood stock still, staring away.

I didn't wind up calling 911, and I didn't find the Packers tickets anywhere. In the end, I gave up and left. No game for me, that day. I tried her by phone a couple of times afterward, and that evening, I even stopped by again. That time, however, her door was locked. I thenceforth gave up on her, and never saw or heard from her again. I have no idea what her problem was, and I'll probably never know.


  1. I actually think you should have either called 911 or maybe a police non-emergency line. The fact that she didn't respond when you said you were going to is worrisome. Maybe she really did have some sort of major problem.

  2. yeah im not sure why you wouldn't have called. What's the worst that could happen? Well I guess if you didn't call, something terrible could have happened, and it was her relatives who had to lock the door? Glad you searched for the tickets though, it would have been an awesome game had you found them. Maybe you could have taken another girl?

  3. I agree, you should have actually called. If she was having some sort of weird health issue, they'd be able to sort it out, and if she was just goofing around she would have had to admit it. Seems like a win-win. I just can't imagine finding someone in a catatonic state and more or less going "well that's weird" and leaving.

  4. So, wait, wait -- you conclude that she is genuinely unresponsive and you see no indication that she's faking it, so instead of calling 911 because she is obviously in some kind of distress, you actually look for the tickets and then just leave without notifying anybody?

    And you think YOU had a bad date?

    Stay classy.

    1. Heh. Well, he did notify A Bad Case of the Dates, and I consider him a hero for that alone.

  5. Staring like that is a sign of a seizure. I want to know what made "Dick" decide not to call for help. Seems I'm not the only one, though.

  6. It was probably a defence mechanism so he would go away.
    Was your date a lizard OP?

  7. Absence epilepsy?

  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. What would you have done if you'd found the tickets? Gone to the game alone while the date that bought them for you stood motionless and unresponsive in her house? This is just all kinds of wrong.

  10. "Yeah, so I left my date to have her medical issue while I went through her house looking for the tickets."

    "No, I have no idea why she never called me back. Isn't that SO WEIRD?!? In fact, I think I'll write to ABCotD about it."

  11. I guess it's possible she could have had a genuine medical issue. However, my take on this was that she was just trying to get rid of him. She had him splurge on a nice dinner for her, on HIS birthday, under the pretext that she was getting him an extravagant gift (which SHE offered). When it came down to ponying up and actually doing this great thing she promised, she came short. Perhaps she couldn't afford it, perhaps she didn't really like him that much, who knows? But, now he's here, in her house, ready to go to a game that she never got tickets for. It this was just some episodic medical thing, and her intentions were genuine, wouldn't she maybe have gotten the tickets?

    1. Who's to say she didn't get them? Just because the guy didn't find them doesn't mean she didn't have them put away somewhere he didn't look.

    2. Maybe they had to pick them up at will-call, or she tucked them in a side pocket of her purse, or they were in a desk drawer, or he's an ass for searching her house for them while she was "catatonic" in the first place. Also, by his own admission, she offered to take him to the game for his birthday, and he insisted on taking her out to dinner to thank her, even though she was hesitant...and dinner wasn't on his birthday, or he wouldn't have been picking her up to go to the game on his birthday.

    3. You're right - we don't know if she actually got them or not. Maybe she did. However, I am VERY skeptical of this "medical issue." Just sounds like BS to me.

      It reminds me of something that happened many years ago between my mother and her friend. My mother mentioned she was going to France to visit my sister, who was studying abroad. My mother's friend LOVED the idea, invited herself along, and talked about it non-stop. For a while. As time crept closer to the departure date, this friend ceased all contact with my mother. My mother called her, stopped by her house (she wouldn't answer the door), etc. So, she obviously went without her, and ended up losing touch with her for years after this.

      So, this situation reminds me of this woman. Rather than just say she didn't have the financial means or couldn't get the time off of work, etc. etc., she chose to just never speak to my mother again. Seems the hallmark of a loon, if you ask me.

      I am betting this "Laura" never followed through on her promise, and chose a similar response.

    4. Your take? Based on what?

      Seriously, just read the description -- by the OP's own account, she was totally unresponsive, wouldn't react to speech, tickling or anything else he did, she was completely immobile and stared right through him when he was in her field of vision. That would be a seriously difficult thing for someone to fake. It's not impossible that she was faking it (I certainly couldn't prove that she wasn't, any more than you could prove that she was), but even the OP didn't seem to think so, or at least the story doesn't suggest that he did.

      I mean, the OP can't even say that it didn't occur to him that maybe he should call 911, because it did. He just chose not to.

      So he couldn't find the tickets -- I mean, what the actual fuck does that have to do with anything? "I am literally unable to get any kind of a physical response out of this woman with whom I had a good date before, so CLEARLY she must be faking it instead of suffering from some kind of a possibly serious medical condition. This is the only reasonable explanation, so I will now go through her things and then leave her to her own devices, for I am an amazing genius of the highest order and this is absolutely the best course of action under these circumstances. I've never seen or heard from her again, so I don't even know if she's still alive, because, you know, whatever. If only I had found the precious Packers tickets, and this might all have turned out differently!"

      Are you fucking kidding me?

    5. When I first read this story, my initial reaction was she has catatonic schizophrenia. I've seen people in the catatonic state with this disease, and it sounded remarkably similar. A seizure is a likely explanation as well. He should have called for help, and I can't believe he went through her things looking for the tickets. Sorry this selfish bitch with her most likely medical condition ruined your birthday plans, Dick.

    6. Nope, not kidding at all.

      My analysis is based on the idea that the OP is exaggerating on how "unresponsive" she was. I'm inclined to think that his description is filled with hyperbole.

      In college, I briefly dated a girl who was pretty immature in how she handled her emotions. Any time we disagreed, or she was upset, etc., she would do something similar. She would just sit and stare out the window and give me the silent treatment. Talking wouldn't help. Jokes wouldn't help. Not sure if I ever tried tickling her, but I don't know if that would have been a wise thing to try... LOL. She had no "medical issue" other than being an immature, emotionally stunted woman-child.

      I think this "Laura" was doing something similar. Since they hadn't known each other that long, perhaps this was OP's first time seeing her (or anyone) act like this, and it freaked him out enough to where he now exaggerates when recalling it.

      Just to be clear, I DO think OP is a douche for looking around for the tickets while she is obviously upset/ill. However, part of me wonders if he did this knowing that she wasn't *actually* ill, just playing some kind of game, and was calling her bluff.

      Just my $0.02.

    7. "stfu, uppercut." -steve
      if i'm callin the match... advantage, steve.

  12. For Laura's sake, not Dick's, I hope Laura wasn't really ill. Which means she was a passive-aggressive assclown. Epic fail all around.

  13. To be honest - I'd be worried that once I'd called her bluff by ringing the ambulance, that she'd get mad and start going crazy, or cry rape to try justifying the hospital trip.

    Then you end up in jail. The most I'd have done at that stage is to call an ambulance on her phone, and leave.

    She likely found out the price of the tickets and couldn't pay for them, or some other nonsense. Way more likely than her having a seizure at the moment he arrived.

    So many people on here have never been messed around in situations like this.

  14. Her door was locked later on. So yes she faked it


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