Don't Catch Any Bugs

Story Sent in by Mary:

Anthony had a problem that didn't strike me until a couple of minutes into our first date: his mouth was constantly in some state of open.

The two photos that accompanied his profile were of him with a closed mouth. In real life, though, the overall impression was that he was either constantly surprised or constantly wondering about something. Even when he wasn't talking, his mouth simply hung open. It was comic, at first, but I soon wondered if there was something wrong with him.

The curiosity overcame me during dinner. He chewed with his mouth open as much as possible, and some of his pasta actually fell out of his mouth as he ate and spoke, so I brought it up: "Is your... mouth all right?"

He said, "Yeah, why? Is there something on it?" and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"No, it just, it's just... never mind. Forget it."

"What is it?"

"Forget it. It's not a big deal."

He groaned. "Tell me."

"Your mouth is just... I don't know, it's just sort of open... all the time. It's not a big deal."

He stared at me and replied, "My mouth isn't open all the time," and when he finished talking, his mouth hung open, just as wide as it had before.

"It's open right now," I said.

"No, it isn't," he said, with his mouth once again open at the end of the statement.

"You're right," I said, hoping to bring the awkwardness to a close, "Sorry."

He stared at me for a few seconds more, then went back to his pasta, open-mouth chewing it all the way. I was convinced at this point that he was not only doing it on purpose, but perhaps even trying to gross me out. It was impossible for him to not know it.

"Can you chew with your mouth closed?" I asked.

"I am chewing with my mouth closed, Mom," he replied, then took another big forkful of pasta and shoved it into his mouth. When sauce leaked out the corners of his mouth, I had had enough. Clearly, he didn't mean to take the evening seriously. I gave up trying to impress him. He insisted on paying for dinner, and when we headed out at the end of the date, he went for a kiss (his mouth very open for that one) but I pulled away.

That night I went to bed shuddering, imagining that big mouth coming to get me.


  1. I envisioned Surprised Kitty while reading this anticlimactic story. It raised the laugh factor tenfold.


  2. I wonder if Anthony was as cute as that kitty.

  3. alright. i'll bite.
    pics or it didn't happen.


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