A Soft Answer Turneth Away Bath

Story Sent in by Reed:

Gwen and I dined together at a cafe on our first date. We had only met online about a week earlier, so a lot of the time was spent asking questions back and forth. She was nice, but seemed somehow a little dim. As in, I told her that I was reading a book by Paul Harding, and she laughed at his last name for about a minute, then said that she didn't read unless it was the newspaper or for a class. Given that she was out of college for a few years, that didn't bode so well.

In the middle of a talk about a shared interest in gardening, I excused myself to use the restroom, saying something like, "We'll continue in a sec. I'll be right back."

In the otherwise-unoccupied men's room, I opened a stall and dropped my pants. Less than a minute later, the door opened, and Gwen's voice echoed off the tiles. "Anyone besides Reed in here?"

I froze. What was Gwen doing in the men's room? She went on, "I'd love to find some hardy plants to last through the winter, but last winter killed just about everything that I left out, and now I have to–"

"Gwen!" I shouted, "I'll be right out."

Silence, then she said, as if offended, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd appreciate the company."

I heard her footsteps and the door open and close, then quiet once more. I finished up quickly, and as I did, I heard her giggling, and then the door open and shut once more.

I busted out of the stall with an angry look on my face (honestly, I'm not sure why. It's not like I was going to run at her and chase her out of there) but she had really left that second time. I washed my hands and returned to the table.

She was there, wearing a frown. She said, "You didn't have to be so mean to me."

I said, "I didn't mean to be mean, but you were, you know, in the men's room."

"So? I was continuing our conversation. I thought you'd maybe miss me or something. I guess I was wrong."

"I was going to be right out. Do you usually follow guys into the bathroom to talk to them?"

"My ex let me do it all the time. I'd sit on the edge of the bathtub and he'd crap his guts out. If you're different, then hey, I guess, not a big deal. You just could've been nicer about it."

She was pretty despondent about it through the rest of our time together, and it convinced me that one and only date was the right way to go.


  1. I watched The Matrix again a couple of nights ago. The scene where Keanu dodges those bullets is classic.

    1. Too bad Reed didn't know Kung Fu. Would've taken this in an amazing turn.

  2. It's all good. Somewhere, there's a co-dependent dim-witted guy searching for her, his true soulmate.

  3. Jesus. There are days when I can't stand the idea of knowing that, while I *ahem* use the bathroom, my fiance is in a room across the apartment...and we've been together for five years! I can't even imagine the lack of personal space awareness it takes to barge into an opposite-sex restroom on a first date and act as though nothing about that is inappropriate! Then again, maybe I'm just repressed.

  4. Too much. Too much! Why did she pretend to leave, then listen for the poop, giggle, and walk out? What kind of parents did the Greatest Generation create? Obviously not good ones if their grandchildren suck this much.


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