Story Sent in by Dara:

Ken and I met online and were out to dinner together on a first date. He was a healthy eater: it took him less than a minute to plow through half of his sole and mashed potatoes. Then, he looked up at me and said, "I'm gassy."

It was a foolhardy thing to say, but he mentioned it as if it was an average conversation topic, so I rolled with it. "Don't worry about it. I'm gassy in the mornings."

He fixed his attention right onto me. It was as if I had told him that I knew the precise date and time that he was going to die. "Really?" he asked, "Tell me about it."

I said, "It's nothing really that interesting. I wake up, do a few things, then feel better. I think it's normal, any time of day."

"What things?"

"Uh, going to the bathroom."

He stared like he didn't quite understand. He asked, "How does being in a different room make you less gassy?"

The conversation was wearing on me, and I said, "You know what you do in a bathroom. Once I'm done in there and have had some breakfast, I feel better. Case closed."

"Oh!" he said, "Peeing and poo-pooing." He giggled like a little girl.

The way he said it was funny, and so I laughed a bit, myself. He went on, "I love both of those. We sure are blessed."

I nodded. "We are." I ate more of my chicken Caesar.

Not long after that, he leaned across the table and asked, "What's it feel like when you crap?"

I pushed my plate away from myself and said, "Can we move on to a different subject?"

He pointed to my salad and said, "That'll be poop in just a few hours. You're just eating it now. Pre-poop."

"I just want to talk about something else," I said.

"Okay," he said, "Let's talk about…" and went back to his meal.

We didn't talk for the rest of dinner. He paid the check, and before we even left the restaurant, he gave me a huge hug, said, "Night night," and hurried away.


  1. This one's easy; coprophilia. He was attempting, with moderate success, to steer the conversation towards something he derives sexual pleasure from.

  2. If you imagine Ken as Beavis (from the old MTV show Beavis and Butthead) then this conversation would be perfectly in keeping with his character.

    1. I disagree. That would require Beavis to get a date.

    2. B&B is actually back on the air now, and I have to say, it's legit funny! When it first came out, I was at that awkward teenage girl stage where a show "that disgusting" just wasn't funny. Now that I'm older and get some of the jokes more, it's a pretty good time.

  3. Well that's what you get for going out with an 8-year-old.

  4. Two words: Scat. Play.

  5. I don't think it's coprophilia or scat play. I think it's arrested development. A four-year-old in a grown man's body. This is a fellow who suffers from a severe deficiency of Vitamin B-Mature. Let him go back to his playgroup with the rest of the preschoolers until he grows his @$$ up and rents some manners


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