The Warranty on Her Mouth Expired

Story Sent in by Roger:

I've never been too attracted to women with piercings, but Haylee's profile made her otherwise hard to resist: she had a master's degree in history, and was a fiercely attractive brunette with gorgeous brown eyes. She had multiple piercings in each ear, a stud in her nose, one in her tongue, one in an eyebrow, and (according to her profile) further piercings in other locations.

I wrote to her, she replied, and we kept up a correspondence until I asked her to meet for lunch at a Japanese place close to both of our homes.

Lunch was a let-down. Haylee was very, very, very into herself: "I have enough notes from my thesis to write five books. Once I set them in order I'm going to be the youngest, most famous writer the world has ever seen. I'm going to blow the lids off of everything: the presidency, the royals, the banks, everything," she said without a trace of levity.

Nothing seemed to derail her interest in herself, and she didn't ask a single question about me. I grew tired of her academic talk and so shifted the subject into something else: "I'm about to start a new job," I said, "I'm doing statistical analysis for–"

"Oh my God, my piercings," she said, "Let's talk about those. This was my first one," she said, pointing to her right ear, "and this one was my second," she pointed to her left ear.

I didn't miss a beat. "The analysis I'm going to be doing combines market research with actually going out to different cities to interview people on the street. I'll be traveling a lot, so that'll be exciting."

She said, "Then I couldn't stop after that. I got this whole ear done, then that one, then my eyebrow, then two studs in my ass–"

"I've taken up painting. I've already completed a couple of landscapes, but–"

"Then I got a few more things pierced, but that might be TMI."

"Are you into sports at all?"

"I wish I had more things to pierce. I'm almost out of room. I just like the way they make me feel, you know? They're easy to clean: I have a system that..."

She was beyond the point of even listening to me. I nodded along with her continued words about her piercings, then said, "Genitals."

She didn't hear me that first time, so after she paused to take a rare breath, I said, "Genitals, genitals."

She cut herself off, then asked, "What about them? Are you asking if mine are pierced? They are. Had it done five years ago in New Hampshire. There was this hot tattoo artist I was dating and he, well, I, he pierced, um, um, um, um, um…"

She started spouting gibberish. However, her face and motions betrayed no real change. She was actually saying, "Shhab ska nebbik shi babba na mimma na, chras chi kalas deh nib askki beb…"

"Haylee? What are you doing?"

She stopped talking, closed her eyes, and lowered her head. After several moments of unprecedented silence, I asked her, "Are you okay? I mean, what–?"

She looked up at me, noticeably paler. She asked, "Is it okay if we ask for the check? I forgot–yeah. Can we get the check? Do you mind?"

I beckoned a waiter over, Haylee and I split the check, I followed her as she hurried out, she gave me a clumsy hug goodbye, and that was the last I ever saw or heard from her.


  1. She was clearly a robot, and was getting low on power when she started spouting gibberish.

  2. Lol nice one Howie!
    Sounds as tho she was bored with the date and wanted it to end.
    Although she sounds like a PITA (I dont really like piercings that much personally) I can't exactly blame her. I almost fell asleep at 'I'm doing statistical analysis for– The analysis I'm going to be doing combines market research with actually going out to different cities to interview people on the street"

    OMG, excitement! That should keen an adrenaline junkie interested!

  3. Good call, Jason.

    OP, don't send anything in here again until you're an astronaut/superhero/Nobel Prize winner. Like the rest of us.

  4. Good plan.
    When girls ask me about my job, I just say 'its boring, you wouldn't really be interested'.

    Lets face it, most jobs are boring, and hearing about them isn't the most exciting thing in the world. There's a lot more to talk about on your date that is more interesting/important.

    1. Saying that doesn't really sound like you're putting your best foot forward there. If they ask, give a short description, but don't jump into a minute-by-minute play by play.

  5. OP, I'm going to give you a bit of useful advice. Say "How does that wall hanging make you feel?" or "Tell me about your worst date ever" or even "Your hair makes me think of summer", but don't ever ever EVER talk about your job again. Nobody is saying you have to have led an interesting life as an astronaut/superhero/Nobel Prize Winner (like the rest of us) but you need to be able to TALK about it in an interesting way.

    Also, "I'll be traveling a lot, so that'll be exciting"? If you have to actually SAY something's exciting, NEWS FLASH! It's not exciting.

    1. Agreed. I think it should have been fairly obvious at that point in the date anyway that even if the girl HAD been paying ANY amount of attention to him, his job wasn't the sort of thing that would interest her in the slightest. On the other hand, I doubt that OP started talking about his job because he really thought that it would stop the girl dead in her tracks and make her instantly fascinated with him. She was a lost cause, I think he just wanted to see what he could talk about before she noticed he was speaking.

  6. Smart guys who talk about complicated things in an interesting and compelling way are hot.

    Sure I want to hear that my hair makes him think of summer but only after I've fallen in love with him. Otherwise it's just creepy...

  7. Yes, that one was lame out of context (which is why I said "or even") but my point is that all of these approaches result in interesting conversations. Asking about how some environmental factor makes her feel (and gently prodding her to justify it) makes the other person become personally invested in the conversation because A) they are talking about themselves and B) they are also thinking about something new that they haven't considered before. "Tell me about your worst date ever" (when not done off the bat but rather introduced in a playful context) comes off as flirty banter but also serves to get the other person thinking about her worst date ever, which sets a lower bar for you to surpass. Even "Your hair makes me think of summer" can be interesting in the right context when you follow it up with a justification, ie "because in summer there was this hay stack we used to jump in, and although the center was very compact there were always these stray wisps off to the sides" etc.

    What the OP did, on the other hand, was simply switch from Haylee's boring conversation about herself to an even more boring conversation about himself. And consider that this is from his own biased perspective too. I mean, if this guy sounds incredibly lame in his OWN story in which he is trying to come off as the hero, I can only imagine the mental anguish which Haylee must have actually had to suffer through in real life.

  8. She reminds me of a friend, she never stops talking about herself, even on the phone, yes, she can last for 3 hours.


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