Not-So-Nice Cream

Story Sent in by Lori:

Ian wrote me online. One thing that intrigued me about his profile was that he claimed to make his own homemade ice cream. I asked him about it in our introductory messages, and he sounded very proud of it. At one point, I mentioned that I'd be interested in trying some, sometime. He replied that he'd be happy to make some for me, and then he asked me out on a date.

I met him in the parking lot of a restaurant, and after our hellos, he showed me over to his car, popped his trunk and opened a cooler within. There were, wrapped in aluminum foil, a few small bricks of his homemade ice cream.

"Wow," I said, "Thanks for making it."

He said, "My pleasure. Go ahead and take as much as you want. I have a whole vat left at home."

I replied, "Thanks, I will. After dinner."

He gave me a look and said, "Okay, if you don't want it, just say so." He slammed his trunk closed, making me jump, and then he stomped toward the restaurant. When he noticed that I wasn't following, he turned around and said, "What?"

I asked, "What was that about?"

He said, "If you don't want it, say so. I mean, I went through the trouble of making it, but it's easy for you to just blow me off. Okay, whatever."

"Ian, what are you talking about? I'm not about to put it in my bag or car right now. It'll melt. If I grab it after dinner, that'll give me enough time to make it home before it melts."

He said, "You knew I was bringing ice cream, and you didn't plan ahead to bring a cooler? I'm supposed to believe that you were really that stupid?"

"Maybe you should believe that I thought you'd be okay with me taking it after dinner, instead of behaving like a crazy person."

He stared at me, then looked up at the dark sky, then said, "You know what? I'm going to go home and eat it. Right now. Save me some money and from having to go out on a date with some idiot."

He shouldered past me and made for his car. I said, "You are absolutely senseless."

He spun and yelled, "Shut it, swine!" then jumped into his car, slammed the door, and pulled away.

I didn't feel physically threatened by him, but I was still shaken. It took a while for me to look at ice cream after that and not think of him each and every time.


  1. "Shut it, swine!"

    That should be on a t-shirt. Now.

    1. Your wish... yadda yadda.


    2. Light shirt version, with credit: http://www.zazzle.com/shut_it_swine_dark_tshirt-235753428577288281

  2. This guy and the cupcake girl from a few stories back will make an excellent couple :P

  3. It took you awhile to look at ice cream after that? It's not like he raped you with it...

    1. Agreed. Bit of an over reaction.

      Fun fact: I make my own ice cream. Cinnamon basil is a popular flavor. The maple bacon ice cream turned out great for everyone else, but I ended up getting sick from it, so NEVER AGAIN. In the works someday: avocado!

    2. Mmmm, maple bacon ice cream...

  4. I just automatically assume now that whenever a guy brings food on the first date that one of the main ingredients is semen. I think these stories are possibly getting me WAY too cynical.

    1. It's okay Wolf, I thought the same thing. It's a reasonable fear when you don't know whether someone is crazy or not.Especially when there are things like this out there:

    2. Thanks for that. No more homemade ice cream for me then

    3. Yeah, me too.

  5. It's a true monster who can sour the idea of ice cream in a woman's mind

  6. Claire and Nikki, I've known you for how long now? How come I've never gotten homemade ice cream?? I'd prefer a flavor sans bodily fluids please...

  7. Claire and Nikki, I've known you for how long now? How come I've never gotten homemade ice cream?? I'd prefer a flavor sans bodily fluids please...


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