Why Being Your Own Counsel Is in Vogue

Story Sent in by Connie:

Zack and I were college students, out on our first date together. He told me, "I'm pre-law. Almost everyone in my family, going back, were lawyers."

I replied, "Your family must be proud that you're keeping up with the tradition."

"Of course. What are you studying again? I forgot."


"Ha!" he laughed, "You want fries with that?"

Just get through dinner, I told myself, don't sink to his level. Just make it through dinner, call it an early night, and then you never have to see him again.

Our food came out. He had ordered some sort of buffalo chicken dish with the instructions, "The hotter the better."

It was hot, all right. He took a bite, scarfed it down, his eyes went wide, and he downed his water and soda like a vacuum cleaner.

"Oh my God!" he said, "So hot! So hot! Lawsuit! This is lawsuit territory."

I said. "You told them the hotter the better."

"But this is too much! Beyond undigestible. Total lawsuit waiting to happen."

He called the waitress over to complain. She apologized and offered to bring him a milder version. He said to her, "This isn't just hot. It's lawsuit hot. I could sue you, the owner, and this whole place to the ground."

She replied, "You did say to make it hot, sir."

He glanced at me and said, "I think you'd need proof."

"What about an eyewitness testimony?" I asked.

Zack bared his teeth at me and said, "Uh, whose side are you on, here?"

I gave him a smirk. The waitress took his food back and promised to bring him a milder version. He muttered ceaselessly after she left, always careful to avoid eye contact with me. "I should sue you, too," he said in my direction, "Obstructing justice."

She brought him a new version, and to that he said, "Take it back, now. I'm not hungry."

"I'll take it," I offered, and I did in fact plan to eat it.

"You're paying for it. I'm sure not," he said.

"Fine with me."

I ended up paying for my meal and for the one that he didn't eat, the one that I took home. As I looked over the check, he said, "It sure is nice to not have to pay anything."

I pointed to his soda on the check. He rolled his eyes and said, "You're honestly going to make me pay for that? It's just a soda."

He paid for it, I put down the rest of the cash, grabbed my wrapped-up food, and left before he had a chance to follow me out.


  1. Hmmmm, I'm not sure why Brain Damaged Dickbag's implying that biochemistry's not a financially rewarding line of work since it's stable, there are a crap ton of jobs in a bunch of different industries available, and it tends to pay fairly well. But then again, he is a brain damaged dickbag, so I guess we shouldn't expect better from him.

  2. ^I think he is a brain damaged man with dick aspirations (literal) and thought he'd impress her with... uh something?

  3. Aren't lawyers supposed to be charismatic? If this is what Zack views as a clever attempt at seduction, I sense that he'll be "representing himself in court" and "acting as his own attorney" for a VERY long while.

  4. Why did she even stay after he said he was a lawyer?

  5. @Jason

    Because there is no need to judge people before getting to know them. Unfortunately, he reinforced the stereotype.

  6. Q: What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
    A: One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other's a fish.



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