Where the Sun Don't Shine

Story Sent in by Amy:

For our second date, David suggested that we spend a day outdoors: a hike, then a trip to the beach, then an early dinner on the boardwalk. I loved the idea, and we firmed up the plans.

The day of the date, David and I met in a downtown area, and I was… well, surprised to find him wearing a jumpsuit, a very wide-brimmed hat, and these sort of sunglass/goggle-things.

"Going… er, spelunking?" I asked him.

He said, "No. I had a dream last night in which people caught on fire in the sunlight, so I'm avoiding sunlight today. Shouldn't be too hard to stick to the shade, I think."

"You're serious?"

"Yeah. It was a scary dream."

I looked around at all of the people walking around in the sunlight, then at myself, also in the sun. I said, "What about me and all of these other people? We're okay."

He said, "I'm sure you'll probably be fine, I think. I'm just going to stick to shady areas, for my own peace of mind."

"What about at the beach?"

"There's shade at the beach. By rocks and stuff."

"You're seriously going to wear that outfit all day?"

"Well, I can take off some of it when we're inside, like at dinner."

I frowned. It was one of the warmest days of the year. He was being nice, but something about "sticking to shady areas all day" gave me pause.

I asked, "For how long will you have to avoid sunlight?"

He groaned. "Until I'm comfortable going back into it. Let's go. We're wasting time, here."

I followed him to the park he had picked out. It had plenty of trees. Right when we parked, he jumped out of his car in the sunny parking lot and ran for the tree line. He tossed me his keys and said, "Can you bring me my backpack, then lock my car?"

I brought him his pack, handed him his keys, and we hiked for about five minutes when we came upon a sunny clearing. I started across it, but he hiked his way around the perimeter, adding a couple of minutes to the experience.

Finally, we came to a small brook with a few boards stretched over it. It was bathed in sunshine. I walked over the boards and looked back at him. He looked left and right, up both sides of the river, then said, "I'm going to hike around. Meet you here in a few."

"You're going to hike all the way around the water? This is ridiculous."

"Only until I find shade," he said, "I promise I won't be too long."

He was gone for about 10 minutes before he came back and said, "This is the shadiest spot out of them all. I'm going to have to chance it."

He ran across the boards and made it to the other side, as if he was running from laser-gun-toting bears.

I hiked us right back to the parking lot, told him that I wasn't having fun, he apologized, said he'd be in touch, and we both left the park.

Better than I had hoped, he was not in touch again.


  1. He was actually a VAMPIRE!

    But seriously, I'm very impressed with this guy. Most nutjobs who have delusions of vampirism nowadays prefer to cover themselves in glitter and overuse hair gel. Kudos to him for being authentic keeping his madness classic, rather than simply following new trends like a lunatic sheep.

  2. I'm just wondering where he got the jumpsuit. I can never find one that fits me properly.

  3. IF it was just a strong preference for shade rather than direct sunlight I could have understood, being a creature of the shade myself. This guy went way beyond a line though.

  4. I just wanna say that a jumpsuit and giant hat do not scream "spelunking" to me. But, sorry to crush your possibly-spelunking-related dreams, rawr, I don't think they make dinosaur-sized (or shaped) jumpsuits.

  5. I like that she didn't try and come up with an excuse to leave, she just said she wasn't having fun and left.

  6. I'm sure they make dinosaur shaped jumpsuits somewhere. It's the internet, they make everything here. All I want to do is live out my dream of enjoying the futuristic convenience of a one-piece garment. :c


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