Balmy Weather

Story Sent in by Jonathan:

I met with Melissa at a town fair for our first date. Bakers, artisans, and purveyors of various services had booths set up all around a central square. It was an annual event, the weather was beautiful, and I looked forward to it.

When I first encountered Melissa there, I discovered that her lips had a peculiar glisten to them, as if she had put on just a little too much lip balm. I didn't mention anything about it, and we gave each other a first-greeting hug. Right afterward, she pulled out a little canister of balm, smeared some more on her lips, and off we walked.

Less than five minutes later, she had applied balm twice more. I couldn't keep my curiosity in check any longer and I asked her, "Are your lips okay?"

She said, "Yeah, they just get really dry whenever the seasons change." She applied more. At this point, the balm was spreading from her lips to the skin around them, making a decent part of her lower face look wet and shiny. Hopefully, she'd let it be for a little while.

She did, and we sat down to lunch. She didn't say very much, not even in response to my questions, and she had another strange habit of walking so close to me that I kept bumping into her.

We finished up lunch, and before we continued on, she took out her balm canister and slathered her balm onto her face, like she was applying spackle to a gaping gash in the wall.

I asked, "Is that good for your face?"

"It's my own blend," she remarked, "It helps my entire complexion."

"Your face looks wet and sticky."

"The prices we pay for beauty, right?"

"I guess."

No joke, her face shone like a lighthouse. It wasn't over her entire face, but well over 60% or it. After I took one glance too many, she said, "Is there something wrong?"

I replied, "No. It's just… it's just all over your face."


Before I could come up with anything else to say, she applied more, to the area under her eyes. "Ooh," she said, fanning herself, "Hot and tingly."

She spread the glop away from her eyes, then rubbed her hands all over her face, spreading it about evenly, all around. When she was done, a strange, white, foamy film had settled all over her face and neck.

I said, "Okay, I'm going to get you some napkins, but I think you should maybe wash some of it off."

"It's okay. This is normal. It needs to settle." It looked like thick soap suds all over her face. She closed her eyes. "Let me just sit down somewhere while it… it…"

I led her to a nearby bench, grabbed a handful of napkins from a nearby vendor, and brought them to her. She blotted her face gently and muttered, "My eyes are burning," a few times. "Can you bring me to a bathroom?"

I led her to the women's room in the nearby city hall, and waited outside for a good 20 minutes while she did whatever she did within.

When she exited, her face was bright pink, and sure enough, a new layer of balm was smeared all over her mouth. "I'm good. Thanks for waiting. Ready to keep going?"

The rest of our time together was basically a repetition of her constantly applying that gooey stuff to her face and bumping into me. I could never have imagined myself wanting to kiss her, as her balm smelled like a combination of alcohol, moisturizer, and gasoline. First and only date.


  1. Hmmm, I feel like most dates that end in a white foamy film over somebody's face tend to be a little more exciting than this.

    (Ha, beat you to the punch, Howie!) ;-)

  2. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I want watch you two mud wrestle. Or jello wrestle. Whatever.

  3. No, don't fight - I have a feeling Howie would fight dirty, and I couldn't bear to see Wolfie in that position...

  4. LOL! Sure, maybe when ABCotD gets big enough to have a yearly convention somewhere. And only if you promise to jello-wrestle Rawr the Dinosaur at the same time. ;-)

  5. Who says you have to kiss her? The balm could aid in the many other uses for her lips...

  6. ^Are you sure you'd want some homemade concoction that makes her eyes burn and peels her face to act as lubricant for your sensitive regions?

  7. ^ Well, not ME, of course. I'm talking about the *OP's* sensitive regions. I'm much more daring that way... ;-)

  8. Pffft, please, any wrestling with me will end up in tears. And probably disembowelment, but it's not my fault I can't always control those giant toe claws. Besides, all that jello will make my feathers sticky and gross.

  9. Spaghetti wrestle! Go marinara or go home.

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