Story Sent in by Gwen:

Rich and I were out to dinner on a first date when we somehow got on the topic of stupid human tricks. I showed him that I could touch my nose with my tongue and do a frighteningly compelling seagull impersonation.

He told me, "I can fart a hole through bread."

"That's great," I said, for lack of anything better to say, "How did you figure that out?"

"A lot of boredom, and a weekend with my brother."

I laughed it off and we moved on to other topics. After dinner, we were on a stroll and he asked me to do my seagull impression. We were outside, and there were other people milling around, so it was a little embarrassing, but I didn't really mind, so I gave him the best seagull impression that he had ever heard.

He clapped his hands and laughed. "Awesome!" he said.

I replied, "Thanks. I won't ask you to perform your… talent."

He held up a finger. "Hold on. Wait right here."

I seriously didn't want to see him go through with it. The mental image was enough. I called after him as he took off for a little deli across the street, but he didn't hear or didn't want to. He came back with a couple of slices of white bread and held them up like trophies.

"Ready?" he asked, "Let's get out of sight."

"I really don't need to see this."

"No, you do. I really want to show–"

"No, I don't. I'm really okay."

He said, "I'm ready to fart all over the place. Let me show you. I promise you won't regret it. I can't do it through my pants. I have to take them off, and not here. Let's go off a little ways."

I said, "No, Rich. I don't want to see you fart through a slice of bread."

"Two slices," he said, and held them up, "I can fart through two."

"I don't care if you could fart a hole through a whole loaf! I'm not watching it."

He shoved the slices down the back of his pants, arranged them slightly, farted, and yanked them out of his pants. There was a small tear through them, but it could have happened as he was taking the slices out of his slacks.

"See?" he said, "It would've been better if I did it without pants on, but you can at least see it, right?"

"Yes. Great. Thank you."

He brought the bread close to my face. "Want a bite?" he asked.

I jumped away. "No!" I shouted.

He grinned. "I was just kidding," and he threw them away. I brought the date to a close shortly thereafter. Definitely one of the grossest things I've ever seen/heard/nearly tasted.


  1. Rich was a big fail for assuming his date had the mindset of a pre-teen boy.

  2. Wow and some people wonder why they are still single? I'm surprised he didn't show her that he could light his farts as well.

  3. That's how Nutella® was invented.

  4. Oh Howie, that's priceless!


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