Assault and Batteries

Story Sent in by Charles:

Erica asked me, during dinner together, if we could stop at a convenience store after the meal. "I need a new nine-volt battery for my smoke detector," she said. I told her that I wouldn't have a problem with that.

As she had requested, after dinner, we went to a nearby pharmacy to look for her battery. I followed her as she grabbed one off a rack, but instead of making for the cashier, she strolled down one of the aisles.

"Are you looking for anything else?" I asked her.

"No, I'm just browsing."

Fair enough. On a date. I guess. I decided to go off and browse on my own, so I said, "I'm going to go check out the notebooks."

She said, "Fine," and so I went down another aisle and checked out the notebooks and pens. What a good selection they had.

After about five minutes of not seeing Erica at all, I went looking for her. I looked up and down each aisle, and finally found her by the store entrance, with her batteries in a shopping bag. "All set?" I asked her.

She gave me a wilting look and said, "I don't know who you think you are, but you don't go off and disappear like that. I don't tolerate that."

She stormed out of the store, and I kept pace with her on the sidewalk outside. I asked, "What are you talking about? You said you were browsing. I went off to browse, myself. I was always nearby."

She said, "And you never came back! What if some guy tried to take advantage of me in the store and touch me inappropriately? You'd just look at notebooks and not care?"

"If you called for me I would have been right there."

She mumbled something under her breath that I couldn't hear. I asked her, "What? Speak up."

She said, "Don't you yell at me to speak up, first of all. Second of all, you were probably off, ogling someone else. No one goes off to look at notebooks for that long."

"I was just browsing around. Why are we even arguing about this?"

"Because it shows me what you're really like. If you're like this now, then once we've been dating for ten years, you'll probably be treating me even worse."

"Ten years? We can't even make it 10 minutes."

She sighed and seemed to calm down. I wanted to end things amicably, if at all possible, but I definitely wanted to end things, regardless. She said, "Fine. I'll let you make it up to me."

"Make what up to you? I still don't know what I did that merited such a–"

She turned to face me fully. "If you let me kick you in the shin, then I'll consider it repaid. Ready?"

She looked dead serious. I laughed right in her face. She stepped toward me and kicked my left shin with her right foot. It hurt a bit. As an almost reflexive retaliation, I swung my right leg and kicked her, lightly, in her own shin. It was more like a tap than a kick.

"Ow!" she screamed, and collapsed to the ground in a ball of drama. "How could you do that to me?"

There were other people around, as we were on a sidewalk, and I decided that absolutely no good could come from me remaining there to try and reason with her. It was stupid for me to retaliate, perhaps, but who knows what she would have done next, if I had let her get away with it. No regrets. I took off and didn't look back.

She rang my phone off the hook over the next few days, but that tapered off after a while and finally stopped.


  1. Violent women do exist. I mean, violence against men is likely ridiculously under-reported (and perhaps rarely taken seriously) but everyone has a right to protect themselves. Hard to say if the OP's definition of a "light tap" would have been the same way that Erica would have defined it.

  2. The title for this one is just awesome.

  3. I would have removed myself from the situation as soon as she mentioned/threatened physical violence. The fact that she's a woman does NOT somehow make it cute, or trivialize it.

    HUGE bullet dodged... (Well, I guess it actually grazed his shin.)

  4. ^I laughed, but in reality a very well put point.

  5. I doubt he kicked her as gently as he claims, but she DID hit him first.

  6. The OP was a doormat. The second someone I barely know starts talking to me like that, I am already on my way outta there. But I guess some people would rather put up with abuse than be alone.

  7. Maybe this makes me old-fashioned (and I admit that in this regard I am not very egalitarian), but I really believe you should NEVER hit a woman unless she's armed or somehow able to inflict significant damage on you. First of all, women tend to be much more delicately built, and it's ridiculously easy to misjudge their damage threshold. A punch that might be playful to your 190 lb guy friends could really hurt a 110 lb woman, especially if she's not ready for it.

    Second of all, it's just stupid because you're opening the door to so much liability. We live in a world of television and lawsuits, where everyone tries to claim victim status to gain easy sympathy, fame, and cash prizes. As a male living in the 21st century, you need to have a scrupulous awareness of this and do everything possible to minimize your legal exposure. For example, when I broke up with my last girlfriend and she refused to leave the house, I had to call the police to make her leave. It probably seemed ridiculous to them since I was a foot taller than her and outweighed her by sixty pounds, but I didn't want to physically force her towards the door. Once you lay a hand on anybody who can so easily claim victim status, it's like painting a big bullseye on your head.

    1. If someone is being violent, I'll defend myself regardless of their gender. If they're not being violent, I don't see why I'd hit them at all, unless we're doing BDSM play. Giving women a free pass solely because they're women does no one any service at all.

  8. Yep, that sounds like a pussy attitude all right wolfdreams01.

    I believe in equality, personally. If any man, woman, or animal tries to take a piece out of me, they have to expect reaction in kind.

    You're probably more likely to be a victim of this type of behavour with your pushover attitude than someone who actually stands up for their legal rights.

    Also, if on a first date and your date wants to 'browse' a little... browse with her. Will take you 5 minutes and she is using it to judge your interest in her.

  9. ^ Hey, I never said that I just roll over and take abuse. Hurting bad people is fun! But there are plenty of ways to hurt people WITHOUT getting physical. If the only way you can think of getting even with somebody is to physically hit them, then with all due respect, I feel like you seriously need to develop some finesse.

  10. ^Despite some of our differences, I think we could be friends.

  11. ^ Thank you! I agree. Although we've disagreed on occasion, you always voice your points in a very rational and mature way, and I respect that.

  12. ^ And a tip of my cap to you as well, sir.

  13. Yes, I love wolfsdream as well!

  14. I am now in love with the phrase "she collapsed to the ground in a ball of drama."


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