Headcase Headshots

Story Sent in by Claudia:

Sergei and I met up for our first lunch date at an outdoor cafe. About five minutes into it, he produced a looseleaf portfolio and flipped it open on the table.

It was filled with various headshots of him, in different poses and with different expressions, some in black and white, some in color.

"Pick one out," he said.

I didn't really want any of them. What was I going to do with a headshot of a guy I had only just met? I picked one out. He said, "Not that one. I like that one too much. Pick another."

I picked another, and he pulled it out of its plastic protective sleeve. He pulled out a pen, autographed it, and handed it to me. "Thanks," I said, and slipped it into my purse.

He winked and said, "Usually I charge."

I asked him, "There's that much of a demand for your autograph?" I neglected to mention that Sergei worked as an assistant manager in an upscale men's clothing store.

He replied, "Some customers occasionally ask. I probably look like a movie star, and I might get discovered if I keep working there, so I figure it's smart to keep these around." He glanced at his headshot collection.

When the waitress came by, he gave one to her. He also gave a set of two out to a nearby dining couple. Once our food had been delivered, he took a bite and said, "This is delicious!" He flagged the waitress down, asked her to send the manager over to our table, and when the manager arrived, Sergei gave her high praise and yet another autographed photo.

When she ambled off, Sergei said to me, "Who knows who she knows, or who else dines here. You never know, right?"

"Right," I agreed.

The kicker came after the meal. Sergei and I were walking down the street, on what I promised myself would be a very short post-lunch stroll, when we passed a police officer. Sergei handed the officer a headshot, smiled, and quipped, "Maybe throw this up on a wanted sign."

The officer looked down at the photo, up at Sergei, and said, "I don't think that's wanted, sir. Have a good Saturday," and continued on. Sergei watched after him, frowned, and replaced the photo in his binder. I made some excuse and returned home to recycle the photo he had given me.


  1. I think "movie stars" (actors) are still required to have a minimum of dramatic skill, but Sergei didn't say what he wanted to be "discovered" for... maybe a boy band?

  2. I like that the cop had a sense of humor about it.

  3. If I remember my myths correctly, the life of Narcissus is a lonely life, just him and his portfolio/pool of water forever.

  4. ^I think it was him and Echo and only until he starved to death.

  5. ^ Or fell in the pool and drowned, as some sources say. I always imagined he tried to kiss his reflection:

    "Look how hot I am. Who wouldn't want to kiss me? I want to kiss me! C'mere you - WAH!"


  6. Yes because the drowning version makes so much more sense. As everyone knows Narcissus was the direct ancestor of the wicked witch so he died the instant he hit the water instead of, I don't know, standing up or climbing out. Yep, drowned in a pool.

  7. ^ Uh, I never said you were wrong. Greek mythology very rarely makes sense, like, you know, Athena bursting out of Zeus's head or three-headed monsters? Who's to say this pool was shallow or that he could even swim? Anyway, I was just mentioning that there's a different version. No need to get a stick up your ass over it. :-/

  8. I'm not getting a stick.... I was only trying to stress that the one version better emphasizes the classic moral about vanity in the extreme instead of the danger of a lack of swimming skills.


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