10/13/2011

Baseball Diamonds Are a Guy's Worst Friend

Story Sent in by Melinda:

My cousin plays little league, and when I went to see him play once, I met Jack, who was an assistant coach for the team. After the game, I was busy congratulating my cousin on his win when Jack approached me, introduced himself, and mentioned what a pleasure it was to have my cousin on the team.

It was a bit forward of him, but he asked for my number, and I gave it to him. He was attractive and athletic, and the kids really seemed to like him.

On our date, he took me out to a sports bar. He would not shut up about sports, especially baseball. It's like he was programmed to talk about nothing else.

"…and that's how you do a basic grip, although the kids watch the pros, and there's a lot of subtleties in stance, posture, and grip, so to compensate for that, we…"

After it sounded like he was done with a thought, I cut in, "What else do you like to do for fun?"

"Besides baseball? I mean, I play and I coach it. I also love watching it. How about you?"

"I like hiking, writing, seeing my friends."

He smiled and said, "I like doing all of that, too. But baseball's really crowded out my other hobbies in recent years."

I said, "Oh," and the way I said it, disappointedly, must have made a profound impact upon Jack. He stopped being jovial and smiley, and suddenly turned very serious. He downed his beer in a matter of a few gulps, then stood up and said, "Follow me. I have a fun idea."

He paid the check and I followed him out. He made a phone call as we walked down the sidewalk, towards a pharmacy. Into the phone, he said, "Hey, Steve. Can you meet me at 210 Main in 15 minutes? Real quick. Thanks."

He hung up. I asked, "What was that about?"

We entered the pharmacy and he said, "You'll see. Nothing bad. Promise."

Jack picked up a cheap notebook and a pen. He purchased them and we walked outside the store. He opened to a random page in the notebook and wrote. I asked, "What are you doing?"

He said, "Shh! You'll see. Be patient."

He kept writing for a few minutes and I was about to let him know that I was unimpressed enough to return home, but a Buick pulled up in front of us, double-parked, and a big, middle-aged guy popped out. He slapped Jack five and Jack introduced Steve to me.

Jack and Steve ignored me and talked baseball for several minutes. Finally, I said, "Hey Jack? I'm going to go."

Jack said, "Why?"

I replied, "Because this isn't really a date anymore."

Steve asked, "You guys are on a date?"

Jack glanced at Steve and said, "Steve's my friend," he held up the notebook and said, "I did some writing," then pointed in the direction of the bar, "And we hiked here from the bar. We hiked, I did some writing, and I'm hanging out with my friend. See? We have the same interests."

I said, "Right. Good night," and I turned to walk back to my car.

Jack ran in front of me to stop me. "I seriously don't get it," he said, "I did everything you say you liked to do, and now you're leaving me?"

I said, "It's not what you did. You're being sanctimonious about it, and I don't think we're a good match. Excuse me."

I left him standing there with his friend, his notebook, and a whole lot of time to kill.

15 comments:

  1. I thought Jack was alright, not really feelin' the Melinda.

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  2. I'm pretty sure Melinda hi that one outta the park!
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    Dude's gonna have the same trouble on every-date til he meets a real desperate one.

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  3. He could just find someone who likes baseball..

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  4. ^Liking baseball and having it consume all aspects of your life are really two different things.

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  5. There is that commercial for a dating site (I think it was eHarmony) where the guy says something like "I like soccer and if I put that on my profile I get matched up with a bunch of girls that like soccer, but unless every day is the world series, that's not enough to build a relationship on." This is the guy that will put that commercial to shame. Sir, I hope you find your baseball girl, where ever you both may be.

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    1. I thought baseball was the one with the World Series. Then again, I don't know much about soccer.

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    2. Yup. Soccer has the World Cup. And that's about as much as I know about either sport. :)

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  6. On the one hand, people who can't shut up about sports are lame, but on the other hand, what Jack did there was actually kind of clever. Plus, OPs are ALWAYS at least slightly biased. It's pretty close to a tie, but I'd say Jack wins in the 9th inning.

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  7. Jack was a dildo for "having the same interests" as OP. GOD FORBID she have interests outside of baseball and wanted to talk about something else other than the minutia of one of the most BORING sports on the planet! I'm strongly opposed to those who are Team Jack.

    Also, I was disappointed that this didn't lead to A Bad Case of the Rapes, coz it sure sounded like it was going to!

    "He stopped being jovial and smiley, and suddenly turned very serious. He downed his beer in a matter of a few gulps, then stood up and said, "Follow me. I have a fun idea.""

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  8. ^Finally, someone who understands baseball.

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  9. I dunno, Nikki/Claire - it's hard for me to read what his intent was. My vibe was that he was just being playful. As somebody who does comedy professionally, I always try to put on a serious face before going for the punchline.

    But if he was just being sarcastic with her, on the other hand, then I agree that he was a douche.

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    1. I'm going on the assumption that he was being completely sincere, but in a completely inept way.

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  10. Someone who is being playful doesn't turn a$$h0le so fast at the end.

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  11. @wolfie: it was the snotty "I seriously don't get it," he said, "I did everything you say you liked to do, and now you're leaving me?" that made me think he was being a dick instead of just trying to have a good laugh. Plus, comedy works best when your audience is in on the joke. She clearly wasn't.

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