Chicken of the Trees

Story Sent in by Ali:

I was out on my first date with Ken.  He took me to a crafts fair and we strolled around the vendor tents until he said, "Want lunch?"

It was late morning, but I had eaten an early breakfast so I followed him to the food court: a series of cart-based vendors with everything from lemon ice pops to hot dogs to chicken sandwiches.  I approached a vendor and asked for a chicken sandwich.

Ken, who stood behind me, said, "You're getting a chicken sandwich?  Eww!"

I asked him, "What's wrong with a chicken sandwich?"

He said, "If you don't know, then you deserve one."

I went ahead with my order and bought a chicken sandwich with lettuce and honey mustard.

"Eww!" he said, watching me carry over my lunch to a picnic table nearby.  "Lettuce and honey mustard?  Gross."

"What's wrong with a chicken sandwich?  Seriously."

He replied, "You'll see."

I asked him, "What are you grabbing for lunch?"

He bought the same chicken sandwich for himself, sat across from me, and inhaled it, flapping his tongue around and snorting the whole way through.  His mouth was covered in little chicken bits and honey mustard.

I had barely taken three bites from mine.  I asked him, "What point are you trying to prove?"

He said, "That chicken sandwiches are gross."

I replied, "They can be when you eat them like that.  The sandwiches themselves are fine."

He said, "I'll give you proof," then walked to a nearby tree and peeled some bark off of it.  He returned to the table and stuffed the bark into his mouth, then chewed it, wincing as he did.

"Oh my God.  What are you doing?" I asked him, and then he spat the bark out on the ground.

He said, "My gums are bleeding now.  Happy?"

I didn't reply, but I saw his tongue moving around in his mouth, and he said, "I think I really fucked something up.  Excuse me."

He jogged to a nearby port-o-jon.  What he did in there, I can't guess, but I finished my sandwich and drink, and after a while knocked on the door.

No response.  I called for him, but he didn't answer.  I finally said, "I'm going to walk around.  Call me when you're out of there."

An hour later, he called and asked where I was.  I met up with him and I asked, "Are you okay?  What was that all about?"

He replied, "That's why chicken sandwiches are dangerous.  They have all kinds of hormones that make you do crazy shit, like eat tree bark."

I replied, "But it didn't make me do anything crazy."

He looked around and walked toward another tree.  He ripped off some of its bark and stuffed it into his mouth.  He took a few steps toward me and with a full mouth said, "Here we go again," then walked at a brisk pace toward the bathrooms.

I texted him, "I'm leaving.  Bye."

He wrote back at once, "What???  Why???"

I left it to him to find the answer.


  1. "If he didn't know, he deserved it."

  2. I think this is another case of "guy was acting kinda goofy so that he would make his date laugh, only to come across as completely insane."

    I mean, he also could have just been trying to scare her off because he was displeased with the date, but I can think of much less retarded ways to do that.

  3. It's like all these turds watched Monty Python and thought, "that's a very good documentary..."

  4. He sure is dedicated in his hatred of chicken sandwiches. No half-measures there.

  5. I hope he and the tree bark have a happy life together now

  6. Pinkerton, how is this something that any sane person would think would make another sane person laugh? You can tell he didn't do it as a joke b/c he was being a douchebag then entire time. You really need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt on this site. :P

  7. It's not anything a sane person would do, Claire. That's sort of the point. Some people act very, very stupid in an over-the-top way of making someone laugh, especially on a first date. Really, I can't think of another reason he would do this. I mean like I said, he could have just been trying to scare her off, but that makes even less sense to me. Why would he do something to himself to make her leave? It's not even like he was being a huge dick to her, just cruel to his own mouth.

    I'm not giving anyone any doubts, this guy was a fuckwad. I'm just trying to see the logic of his actions.

  8. ^ FTR: Claire = Nikki, the Queen of the Trolls. To clear up any confusion.

    Secondly, Pinkerton: I've got nothing. Honestly, if I was going to eat bark for a lark (heh), I'd go with birch bark. Smooth taste, less filling.

  9. Ok, why did you create a new account Nikki? Did someone name Claire die in a horrible car accident and her soul come in and take over your body. It can happen, I'm reading A Dance With Dragons and some guy named Varamyr did it. Brandon Stark does it too.

  10. Coriolanus, let's not forget Sam Beckett of "Quantum Leap," arguably one of the greatest body-switching shows in the history of television.

    I didn't really make a new account. I wanted to blog as my stuffed armadillo for when I drive across the country to move to Colorado, but I didn't want to make a new email account for the blogger page. I also didn't want to confuse readers (HA!) by having MY name instead of said armadillo's.

    I'm still the same old Nikki. I just have a picture of an armadillo and my cat as my picture instead of my ballen niece.

  11. Your ballen niece though was an awesome pic, she was rocking those glasses!

  12. Hey Coriolanus, please do not give random spoilers about Dance with Dragons. Not cool man, not cool. Bark eating might be important.


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