The World Is My Canvas

Story Submitted by Trey:

Debbie, who was a medical assistant and freelance artist, and I were out to dinner at a small but upscale cafe on our first date when our conversation hit a lull.  Nothing to be worried about, typically, but it became an issue when she pulled out a black pen and scrawled something onto the table.  "What are you doing?" I asked her.

She didn't reply until she was done and leaned back from her handiwork.  It was a small picture of a dog.  Well-done vandalism, but vandalism nonetheless.

I said, "Very nice.  We should go ahead and wash that off."

"No," she said, "I made it for you, and now you want to wash it off?"

I replied, "It's vandalism."

She asked, "Are you my father?  If they caught me, then I'd be the one in trouble.  But they won't.  I'm way too good."

Our food arrived, and she tried to write something on the porcelain of the plate.  When that didn't work, she went back to writing on the table. 

"Please don't," I said.

She ignored me and drew a series of vines and flowers, all small, but still noticeable from a waiter's point of view.  In the middle of it, she looked up at me and said, "I'm drawing them for you.  The least you could do is show me some gratitude."

I came up with a plan to rub off her artworks from the table after dinner but before a server came by and noticed them after we left.  Once I paid the check, I stood up with her and said, "I'll meet you outside.  I'm just going to hit up a bathroom."

She gave me a hard look and said, "If you erase my drawings, there will be hell to pay.  I drew them for you and you never even thanked me."

"And you didn't thank me for dinner.  I'll meet you outside."

Without a thank-you, she said, "Fine," and walked past me to the exit.

Once she seemed safely away, I dipped part of my napkin into my water glass and zealously rubbed off her art.  It made a smeary mess, but after a few minutes, you couldn't tell that anything had been written there, unless you were looking for something.

When I made it outside to meet her, she said, "Hey, so I couldn't help but notice that you rubbed off my artwork.  I should shoot you in the face."

"Isn't that an overreaction?"

"For someone who censors art?  No."

"But isn't there a difference between art and vandalism?"

"Art is art, Philistine.  Get bent."  She stormed away.  I thought about buying a can of paint, going to her house in the middle of the night, and splattering it all over her doors, windows, and furniture.  By her rationale, there wouldn't have been a problem.  After all, it was art.


  1. Her self-portrait is in the dictionary under Passive-Aggressive.

  2. Bleargh, stories which end in the OP saying "I thought of doing this" (but they don't actually DO it) just bore the crap out of me. Any sentence which starts in "I *thought* of doing something" automatically has the implicit ending "but then I remembered I have no nutsack."

  3. I actually thought that it was admirable of the guy to not sink to her level, but to each his/her own.

  4. I agree with JMG, he is correct that wolfdreams01 is a tool.

  5. I suppose it's admirable that he didn't sink to their level, but saying "I *thought* of doing this" just makes people sound too full of their own cleverness. We ALL think of really funny things that we could do, but what separates the fun people from the boring ones is that fun people actually go out and DO them.

    And Brad, I don't think Jarod thinks I'm a tool (unless he's hiding it REALLY well). In fact, he delivered a hilarious kareoke serenade at my last birthday party. You may discover one day that grownups can disagree on something without necessarily disliking each other.

  6. I think OPs saying they thought of something is just them getting in before this:

    "...She stormed away."


    wolfdreams01 said...

  7. OK Melissa, I give you props... that hurt a little but at least it was funny. ;-)

  8. Thanks :D To make up for it... now that I've provided a reason for the OPs fantasy sequence being included in the story, I think it's only fair I admit that I actually agree wholeheartedly with "but then I remembered I have no nutsack."

  9. The problem with that, wolf, is that she could've called the cops and had him arrested. Throwing paint all over someone's property is a much more serious crime than doodling on a table, especially when it was so easy to wash.


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