How We Handle Brigands Around Here

Story Submitted by Sy:

Lara and I had spoken online for a little while before we met in person.  She suggested meeting at an old colonial house (that had been turned into a museum) in a nearby town.

The date and time of our meeting, I waited for her on the house's front porch.  The door opened, and there was Lara, in a printed period dress.  I smiled at her and asked, "You work here?  You never told me."

She gasped and said, "A brigand on the porch!" then turned into the house and yelled, "Sound the alarm!"

An older woman's voice called from inside the house, "Fetch the broom!  I'll call the men!"

Lara glanced at me, gasped again, and slammed the door shut between us.  I was amused at how she had kept character.  After a minute, I knocked on the door, then felt a tremendous whack at the back of my head.

"Ow!" I yelled, then turned to see Lara on the other end of a broomstick, pointing it squarely at me.  "What the hell?" I asked her, and made a grab for the broomstick.  She swung it back around and hit me in the face, missing my eye by inches.

"Ouch!" I shouted again, "Stop it!"

"Begone!" she yelled, again and again, "Begone!"

"Stop hitting me!" I said, then grabbed the broomstick and threw it across the yard, where it landed in a garden.

She hissed at me, "You idiot!  That was an antique!"

"You can always get another broom!" I shouted at her, furious, "I can't just go ahead and replace my face!"

"Get out of here!" she said.

Didn't have to tell me twice.  What she was thinking will forever be a mystery to me.


  1. Why not call the cops to report her for assault and battery?

  2. Call? Nay, he mayhap was miles from the nearest constabulary, with none to hear nearby. The brigand ought to have deposited yon broomstick up the assailants ass.

  3. ^Amanda hath Mightily Pwned the duplicitous Lara with Puissance! Would that Sy had equal testicular fortitude.

  4. Just so we're clear, it's okay to whack somebody across the back of the head with an antique broom, but decidedly idiotic to throw said antique broom across the lawn into the garden.

    Frankly, I'd have broken the goddam thing across my knee before chucking it into the street, or maybe onto the roof.

  5. ^Apparently so... made no sense to me either.

  6. ^ Maybe it was a broom designed for stabbing faces?


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