That's the Way the Mercedes Bends

Story Submitted by Dean:

I emailed Bridget.  What attracted me to her in the first place was that she was into cars.  She seemed to have a special fondness for cars by Mercedes-Benz, and we talked for a while about them.  She said things like, "I'd love my own Benz," and "A Benz says so much about a guy."  In retrospect, maybe I should have paid more attention, but we were both into cars, and I was into her.  For the record, I do not own a Benz, nor did I ever tell her that I did.

I scheduled a first date for the two of us, and when I picked her up from her house, she climbed into my BMW 1 Series and I drove off to dinner.  She was silent as silent could be.  I tried to make conversation, but something was clearly bugging her.

Not just through the entire ride, but all through dinner, she hardly made eye contact with me, and barely answered any of my questions.  I tried guessing, "Is it something I did?  Is it something else?" but she was unresponsive and so I let it be.

Finally, after dinner, she opened her mouth to say, "I told you multiple times that I like Mercedes-Benzes.  And then you showed up tonight without one.  Just a little… I don't know.  Weird."

"But I don't own a Benz.  I never said I did."

"So you could have rented one.  I thought that my hints were clear.  I mean, hello?  Are you really that dense?"

"So you've been upset this whole time over the fact that I didn't pick you up in a Benz?"

She nodded.  I said, "Isn't that a little dense?  Especially given that I never said I owned one?  And isn't it a bit superficial, too?"

"I wanted you to show up in a Benz," she said, as if she didn't hear what I had just said, "Why didn't you?"

"I don't own one."

"You could've rented one!  Cheap!"

I asked, "So you threw in the towel over this whole date just because of that?  Seriously?"

She said, "Since when is it a crime to like Benzes?  You'd better have one the next time you come to pick me up.  Then you'll get to meet the real me."

I said, "I think I've already met the real you.  We're splitting the check."

She put money down and left me there.  If I were her, I'd add, "Must own Mercedes-Benz and think superficiality is sexy" to her profile as quickly as possible, to avoid other such mishaps in the future.


  1. That's so strange. Maybe some guy once rented a car to take her out, and she assumed that's just what guys always do?

  2. I think it's A Bad Case of the Daddy's Girl syndrome...

  3. Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger . . .

  4. Well that sucks. Renting Benzes ain't cheap. You won't find them for $8.41 a day on carRental.com.

  5. Wow, what a shocker: another dumb talking ape that's into shinies and silly trappings. Look, over there, Bridget: a celebrity driving a Benz!

    P.S. the OP sounds just as big a tool. "She was into cars" according to him but she was clearly only into MB, and he even provided the clues as to why, without getting them himself of course. He was too dumb/shallow to see through that.

  6. I like how he mentioned he had a BMW 1 series. Sounds like OP's date was a nutso, and OP felt bad about not owning a Benz...It's okay, OP, if I had a BMW, I wouldn't feel that bad.

  7. So you picked her up in the Toyota Corolla of BMW. No wonder she was upset. =)

  8. ^ That was the Hyundai Pony of insults.

  9. Howie, your song is beautiful :)

  10. I like the line "...we're splitting the check, (bitch)."

  11. Who the heck calls them Benzes rather than Mercedeses anyway?


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