The Cabinet of Dr. Very Hairy

Story Submitted by Kate:

Patrick wrote me online and I fell for his bright blue eyes and dark beard (I'm a sucker for well-placed facial hair).  His profile photos were all of him wearing long sleeves and long pants, so I didn't have an inkling about how hairy he turned out to be.

We met in person, and he wore short sleeves.  I could say that his arms were as hairy as a lumberjack's, but they were more reminiscent of the forests in which the lumberjacks toil.  His arms were black with thick, matted hair, the likes of which I had never seen before.

He was a nice enough guy, but he was far too into his job (computer networking).  It was all he talked about, and when I tried to discover his other interests, it simply didn't seem as though he had any.  He told me story after story about how he saved one person's hard drive or had installed six gigabytes of RAM on an old IBM machine.

He was a gentleman, though, and that was enough for me to give a nod to a second date.  For that, he invited me to his apartment to watch a movie.  I arrived there with a bottle of wine, he gave me a hug, and led me into his living room.

The living room was an average size with average, well-used furniture.  One thing in that room, however, was anything but average, and it captured my attention immediately.

It was an ornate wooden cabinet, standing about five feet high, and definitely an antique.  It was stained different shades of brown, and it had numerous ornamental embellishments, like a small, gaudy castle.  It stood out in that room, but it wasn't ugly.  Just an attention-grabber, as was the big silver padlock on its doors.

"That's my cabinet," Patrick said, "It's mine.  Can I get you a drink?"

I pointed to the cabinet and asked, "What's in it?"

He replied, "Oh, you know.  Nothing.  How about that drink?"

We watched a movie on his couch and he passed out within 30 minutes.  After he started snoring, I woke him up gently and told him that I was probably going to leave.

"Okay," he said, blinking, then, "You didn't go into my cabinet, did you?"

"No.  It's locked."

"Yeah.  My cabinet, my lock.  You're awfully curious about what's in there, aren't you?"

I said, "Not really.  It's your business."

"Do you want to know?"

"If it's something you want to show me."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a keyring, and unlocked the cabinet.  Inside were various hair removal products: sprays, scissors, lotions, and balms, all of which appeared to have been heavily used.

He turned to me and said, "It's for my body hair.  It's the only way for me to control it.  It doesn't stop growing."

"I see."

"You don't understand.  It's like I have pubes all over my body."

"That sucks."

"It is.  I'm itchy all the time, but it's getting better than it used to be."  He grabbed a container of lotion that smelled like a muddy campground and spread it liberally, all over his arms and neck.  He reached under his shirt and rubbed around in there for a bit, too.

I bid him a hasty goodnight and left his apartment, never to return.  When he called me a day or two later, I let him down easy.  We were still friendly for a while, but we eventually grew apart and I haven't heard from him in a long time.


  1. Laser hair removal. That is all.

  2. WEREWOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Missed your chance! People would have paid big money to see a real life sasquatch!

    ...yeah, I'm a bad person.

  4. Pretty sure she let him down easy because he was boring, not because he was hairy.

  5. I wonder if he had Nad's hair removal creme in there? If so, she missed an opportunity to end the night with a great pun, like, "Thanks for the date, but I wasn't expecting to see your Nad's"

  6. Unfortunately, I'm very hair too, and I shed like crazy. Jonaldson is right, laser hair removal works very well, but it is deviously expensive. Also, the hairier guys like ourselves require more sessions than the less hairier folk. Alsoplustoo, if you are weak of heart and scream at the smallest sensation of pain, then the numbing cream that is required to keep the pain down will also destroy your bank account.

  7. I don't think OP was particularly at fault here, or can be simply labeled as a "shallow bitch". I can relate to her situation almost exactly, minus the cabinet:

    I had a guy friend once that I liked and tried getting closer with. We basically messed around a bit, he took off his shirt...and it was like he wore a second shirt of body hair (more like a sweater). I don't mind some body hair, but his was ridiculously excessive. It TOTALLY turned me off, to the point where I just couldn't bring myself to go any further with him sexually.

    If that makes me shallow, so be it...but honestly everyone has their particular turnoffs and things they'd rather not look at when they want to be in the "sex" mindset. The more you date, the more you can pinpoint what these things are. Some people can get past them and just focus on the pleasure aspect, but personally I just can't lie and force myself to be turned on when I'm disgusted in some manner. A sexual relationship kinda does require *both* parties to be turned on, at least if you want it to be emotionally satisfying, and there's not much anybody like me can do to suddenly ignore a turnoff or make it "sexy", even if I like the person in other ways.

    Anyway, I was honest about it with him, and believe it or not we're still great friends. I've even joked with him that he should go bathe in a vat of Nair. Maybe OP's date should try that. :p Though it does sound more like he has a medical condition, in which case he should probably go see a doctor about it instead of keeping a cabinet full of home remedies and foul creams he's tried.

    Just my long-winded two cents.

  8. Fair enough her not being particularly attracted to his hairiness but did she really have to go on that second date? She clearly said he was boring and too into his job but the fact he was a gentleman allowed her to agree to a second and lead him on. I think she should have been honest and said she didn't feel any chemistry but would like to stay friends.

  9. Everyone's entitled to their opinion. Some ladies do get their motors going for hairy guys. Kate just wasn't one of them

    and @Ashley -- sometimes it takes two or three dates with someone to get a "spark" going


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