New Pals, Old Meat

Story Submitted by Olga:

Alvin contacted me on a dating site.  He came across as kind, but very sensitive.  We had enough in common for him to ask me out to a potluck picnic date.  I made apple cupcakes and he said he'd make sandwiches.

We arrived at our meeting spot, an area in a local park.  He held up a white container, one that I assumed contained the sandwiches he had made us.  He opened it, and inside was a strange grey and black mass, with a smell that made me think of an unearthed coffin.

"What is that?" I asked, as politely as possible.

He leaned over it, inhaled a nose-full, and exhaled like it was aromatic summer air.  "It's steak!" he said, "Found it in my fridge.  About two or three years old.  Forgot that I had it."

From what I could see, it had a gelatinous texture and something was clearly growing on it, a fact that I pointed out to him.  "Alvin, there's something obviously growing on it."

"Texture!" he answered, then asked, "Can I cut you a piece?"

I said, "No.  It smells weird and it's clearly bad.  Why don't you make something else, for next time?"

He said, "I had to rush out of the house and didn't have time to make you something.  I offer you meat," he said, giving me a sad face and again holding the container up to me.

"I appreciate the thought, but maybe we can grab something else.  I mean, would you eat that?"

He looked at it and said, "For you?  Of course I would.  You're awesome."

"Thanks, but—"

"Eat the meat," he said, holding it closer to me, "Come on."

I stepped away and said, "No, thank you."

"Fine!  It's junk!"  He hoisted the container and launched the meat at me, missing me by a foot.  It splattered on the nearby grass with a hideous squish.  I turned back to him and screamed, "What the hell are you doing?"

Calmly, he closed the empty container, put it under his arm, sat down on the ground, and said, "And that was my lunch.  What did you bring?"

"You're nuts," I said, and I walked away, carrying my own container.

From behind me, he yelled, "What sort of nuts?  Hey, I can't eat them if you're walking away with them!"

I blocked him on everything as soon as I made it home.


  1. in case you missed it, an instant replay of the best part of the story:

    "It splattered on the nearby grass with a hideous squish."

  2. Something is seriously going on with this fellow. How does a human being make it to an adult age group without knowing that meat lying around in a refrigerator for three years is POISON? Hey, little boy. Can you say "bacteria?"
    And then, to have a tantrum because he was told the food is dirty? What is that?
    This guy -- excuse me, this BOY -- is emotionally an infant. What is he doing on a dating site for grownups? He belongs in a PLAYGROUP with the rest of the babies.
    I think Mr. Alvin needs to get off the dating site and learn some life skills and work on growing up before he even fantasizes about having any sort of adult social life.

  3. Note: do not read this entry while eating. Blurgh.

  4. Welcome to the site, Sparkina. Warning: people in these stories are RARELY mature.

  5. Hi Sparkina. What Amanda meant to say is that these stories will redefine your concepts of "maturity" and "adult," to mention but two things.

  6. I move that we all just quit trying to explain anything to Sparkina. At least she isn't copying and pasting the same response in every story anymore, and I think that's the most we can ask for.

  7. Hi, Sparkina.

    What churro meant to say was that Amanda meant to say that ... I lost my train of thought. Sorry.

  8. @ Amanda -- that may be, but this Alvin fellow doesn't have Clue One about Thing A as to how life works. Didn't anyone teach him that you can get SICK from eating old food? And to throw a fit when his companion refused to eat the junk, on top of it? Repeat: The guy knows NOTHING about life. He's more than just immature. He's beyond hope.

  9. I was expecting him to try to eat it to convince you. That's the dumb shit I've come to expect here.

  10. I totally thought OP was going to say he started eating it once he sat down.

    Also, what Kat said. Don't read this while eating.


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