Reorientation Celebration

Story Submitted by Roland:

Marcy contacted me online.  She had an attractive face and a very friendly personality.  It didn't take long for her to float the idea of meeting in person, and we met up for dinner.

Shortly after we sat down, Marcy said, "So here's the thing: I'm a lesbian.  My mother wants to make me un-lesbian, so she makes me sit down with her, look at online guy profiles, listen to her say, 'this one's nice' and 'that one's nice,' and then write all these guys messages, all in the hopes that I'll see how wonderful something with a real penis is."

I was disappointed, as she had indeed come across as a humorous, likeable, distinctive young woman who also liked real penises.  "That's too bad," I said, "Can you move out of there so you can pursue your own lifestyle?"

Marcy said, "No money.  Unless you're offering to support me for a few months, in which I'll swear a loyalty oath of friendship to you for the rest of our natural lives."

I shook my head.  "Sorry.  Why don't you tell your mother that going out on a date with me made you even more lesbian?  You can blame me for something and go to her and say, 'That guy did such-and-such.  It turned me off to guys even more.'"

"Maybe," she replied.  The rest of our time together went well, considering the circumstances, and she even hugged me goodbye.

"Thanks for listening," she said, "You seem cool.  Maybe we could keep in touch regardless."  I echoed the sentiment, we went on our ways, and that was that.

Until she called me the next day with news.  "Mom's freaking out," she said, "She wants to call the cops on you."

A strange tightness spontaneously formed in my chest.  "Oh?  And why is that?"

"I told her that you tried to force yourself on me, and that now I'm turned off to guys in the worst way."

"Are you kidding?"

"No.  It was your idea, after all."

"My idea was to tell her that I did something stupid, not illegal and rape-ish.  This could get me into huge trouble!"

"Relax," Marcy said, "I told her that you gave me a false name and information, and that I don't want to make a big deal out of it.  She'll probably kill you if you ever come around here, though, so I'd avoid my place for a little while."

"You think?" I yelled back.

She said, "Watch your temper.  Maybe I'll report you after all."

"Yeah," I said, "I need to go.  But you should know that the penalty for making a false report, especially one of this nature, is big enough to scare you straight."

Silence from her end of the phone.  Then, "Have a nice life, Roland."

We hung up, and I never heard from her again.  Thankfully.


  1. People can be such utter wankers. It amazes me sometimes that the human race is still going.

  2. What's with people using dating sites to try to "straighten out" their family members? I believe the time before this, it was a sister who actually went out with the guy, only to screen him for her gay sister...

  3. ^ "Holy crow"? Is your name actually "Bella"?

  4. I like that Jared named her Marcy (a la Charlie Brown - Peppermint Patty's alleged lover. The one that always called her sir.)


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