It's Snot Going to Work

Story Submitted by Dora:

I met up with Lester at a restaurant for our first date.  Once we were seated in a booth, he took off his jacket, set it next to himself, and said, "I'm sorry if I'm a bit sniffly.  Allergies."

I replied, "Don't worry.  I understand."

It wasn't long after we sat down before Lester did something that sort of changed the dynamic of the evening: he snorted a juicy snort, pulled out a wrinkled paper bag, from the folds of his jacket, and generously blew his nose into it.

He slid the bag back under his coat and asked, "Had a good day?" as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

"Yeah… I'm sorry, did you just blow your nose into a paper bag?"

"Hmm?  Oh, yeah."

"Why?  Do you need tissues?  I have some."

He smiled and said, "It's for revenge against my brother.  Nothing to be worried about.  He deserves it."

"What are you going to do?"

He snorted again and pulled out the bag.  "I said not to worry about it.  He deserves it, case closed."  He blew his nose into the bag again.

I said, "Because it seems like you have a pretty potent bioweapon in that bag."

He said, "Damn straight.  I've been using it exclusively for almost a whole day."

I wrinkled my nose and said, "That's freaking sick."

"You don't know what he did.  I say he deserves mucus!"

The waitress chose that moment to appear at the table and she barely suppressed a smile as she asked us for our drink orders.  For the rest of dinner, Lester tried to maintain a normal conversation with me while evacuating his nose at every opportunity.  He was an okay guy, but his nose-blowing was really disgusting, and I made some excuse to leave right after dinner.

I wrote Lester an email the next day to let him down easy.  He wrote back the day after that to tell me that it was all right and that he felt the same way.  He ended his message with: "Good news, though: my brother will never try something like that again.  Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!"

I shudder to think.