Excremental Progress

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Story Submitted by Liam:

I wrote to Harriet online and we had a good enough rapport in order for me to ask her out.  We agreed to meet at a local restaurant, and by coincidence, we arrived in the parking lot at the exact same time.  She parked just a couple of spaces away from me.

I walked up to meet her, and noticed that her blue sedan was thoroughly covered in bird excrement, as if she had parked under a tree during finch mating season.

As a joke, I pointed at her car and said, "Birds must really like your car."

She smiled and nodded at that, and then we went inside for dinner.

Dinner itself was fine, and I had no idea that anything could have been wrong.  In the middle of our conversation, she stood up and said, "Be right back."  My guess was that she was off to the bathroom.

She came back about 10 minutes later with a big smile.  I asked, "What are you so happy about?"

She said, "I just missed you."  All right, then.  The rest of dinner went along fine as fine could be.

When we returned to the parking lot, I asked her what she wanted to do.  We were still about a 15-second walk to our cars when she pointed in the direction of mine and said, "What's that all over your car?"

I couldn't see what she was talking about from where we were, so I jogged over to view it.  There, all over my windshield and hood, someone had smeared dog crap.  At least two loaded handfuls worth.  I turned to her and she busted out laughing.  I recalled that she had left the table during dinner and I asked her, "Did you do this?"

She ran to her nearby car, opened its door, and said, "Looks like dogs really like your car!  Asshole!"  She then drove away.


  1. Well, she WAY over-reacted, but I can see that it's not a good joke to make to a virtual stranger. She probably thought he was disparaging her cleanliness / calling her a slob.

    That's the sort of joke you make with someone you've been friends with for a while.

  2. If we all lived this way we wouldn't be able to say or do anything. "How was I supposed to know he was a latent bestiality fan and my mention of that cute golden retriever would set him off?"

    Nah, thanks. Don't make excuses for the crazy.

  3. Agreed. Birds poop everywhere, it's not really that weird and it's not like she has much control over it. Smearing dog shit on the windshield, somewhere dogs don't usually poop, was especially immature and gross.

  4. what I'm wondering is where did she get two handfuls of dog poop on such short notice. It was probably less trouble to clean it off than to smear it on. Good joke, dumb b**ch.

  5. ^ Also, did she use gloves? Did she wash her hands?

  6. ^^ Why did he think it was dog poop?

  7. ^"Looks like dogs really like your car!"

  8. I don't think it was REALLY dog poop.
    I think SHE really liked his car xD


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