Want a Perfect Body, Want a Perfect Soul

Story Submitted by Tommy:

Lois was a girl I met at the supermarket, of all places. We both happened to be in the same section looking for the same thing. I cracked some joke or other, we chatted, and I exited the store with a basket full of groceries and her number.

I asked her out on a first date to a Cheesecake Factory and she accepted. It was inside of a mall, and so we walked a little way to make it from the parking lot to the restaurant. On our way, we passed a big arcade with indoor bumper cars. I asked her if she wanted to take them for a spin, and she said that she did.

It was us and about half a dozen kids on the playing field. We climbed into our cars, the buzzer sounded, and we were off to the races. Naturally, I thought that the flirtatious thing to do would be to bump her car as often as possible.

She was having some trouble maneuvering, but soon got the hang of it. I circled around the space again before smashing into her, hard, from behind.

She shouted, but not in a surprised, startled, happy way. She gave me a look that meant only one thing: I was in for something particularly unpleasant.

Shortly thereafter, we exited our vehicles and I asked Lois, "I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"

She didn't say a word, opting instead to give me the silent treatment the remainder of the way to dinner, and even when we sat down. She was friendly enough to the waiter, but she didn't say a word to me.

I said, "Lois, I'm really sorry if I hurt you before. Can we talk?"

She didn't reply and didn't make eye contact with me. I said, "Should we even go through with dinner if you're going to be like this?"

She replied, "You tell me."

I said, "Look, I'm sorry. I thought we were having fun. I—"

"You might have ruined it," she said.

"Ruined what?"

She looked down at herself and replied, "My body. I probably have massive internal bleeding now, thanks to you. I feel faint, sick, and I'm in so much pain I want to scream."

I said, "I'm really sorry, Lois. We can go if you—"

"But what do you care? You just kept hitting me and hitting me. Anyone ever tell you that you're violent?"


"You are."

"Do you want to go?"

She groaned and said, "You ruined my body! Probably for good! And that's all you have to say?"

"Do you want me to take you to a hospital? What do you want me to do?"

She shook her head, sat back, and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of dinner. I threw in the proverbial towel at that point and gave up trying to talk to or reason with her. The check came and we split it, whereas I would have gladly paid for it before, but it was like I was out to dinner with myself.

For as horrible a guy as I was, she sure didn't seem in any kind of hurry to end the date. I was expecting her to book it back to the lot on her own, but she walked with me the whole way.

We were alone on the escalator down to our parking level when she turned to me and said, "I wouldn't want to be you for a billion dollars right now."

I asked, "Why not?"

She said, "God punishes the violent. Good night!" and that was her cue to take off for her car.

"Does he punish the crazy?" I yelled after her. She didn't reply, so I raised my voice and said, "Or are you going to just keep punishing everyone around you?"

No response to that either, and in retrospect, it was a dumb thing to say, but hopefully she found happiness somewhere.


  1. ^Right. Because being unaware of what the point is of bumper cars and giving a guy the silent treatment are so awesome. Also, calling someone violent for using bumper cars is like calling someone violent for hitting a golf ball. Team Tommy.

  2. Nice comeback, Jared. Actually the guy was being even a bit doormat-y in my eyes — if some crazy broad tried to tell me that I would've ridiculed her, not given her exactly what she wanted.

  3. The girl in this story needs to get a grip on reality and the guy needs a grip on his balls. I would have told the crazy girl where to go ages ago.

  4. His retorts at the end, as he mentioned, were weak, but yeah, while I'm Team Tommy, I'm not Team Tommy's Nuts. This is one of those cases where you should have ended the date instead of forking out a lot of money (b/c that place is expensive!) for a date with yourself.

    1. you saying that the Cheesecake Factory is expensive reminds me of this....


  5. Haha, I want to hear a rebuttal.

  6. They are called BUMPer cars. And every time my BF and I go to the bumper cars, he bumps the shit out of my car. If I claimed internal bleeding from BUMPER CARS and then silent treatmented him from BUMPER CARS I probably wouldn't have a bf.

  7. Ask her out again for paintballing.

  8. Well... I don't agree with either.

    Sure, she overreacted and the comments about him "ruining her body" were weird and unnecessary, but at the same time, purposely hunting someone with a bumper car is pretty mean-spirited. They were there to have fun and from my experience with bumper cars, being constantly attacked isn't.

    I'm honestly surprised SHE went through with the date.

  9. to JMG.. I think the "point of bumper cars" is probably less important than the point of a first date- you want to put them at ease and at least be somewhat perceptive. The mediator said it best- being constantly attacked is not fun. Even the language used in OP's original post is telling.. referencing that she was having a hard time, that he hit her as many times as he could, and that he hit her "hard".. she acted like a weird demented baby, sure- but he was the original jack ass. For the record, I love bumper cars. Rebuttal post wanted!

  10. Good points, and you're not wrong. However, he wrote:

    "I asked her if she wanted to take them for a spin, and she said that she did."

    If you agree to ride in bumper cars, you agree to be bumped. If she said, "Stop it!" and he kept bumping her, then yes, he'd be inconsiderate. Given that we just have the OP's testimony to go on, it seems as though she didn't know what she was agreeing to, but that's hardly the OP's fault.

  11. We need more Radiohead titles. I can think of a good lyric for just about all of these stories.

  12. I rode in bumper cars with my kids a couple of weeks ago and OUCH! Those things suck when you're older. I'm only 34, but they wore me out.

  13. I'm on team "OP is a dick", but I really don't get why he bothered with dinner if it was already obvious she wasn't talking to him anymore.

  14. Yeah OP is a dick. Bumping her 'as often as possible' sucks - you should be bumping other people, and it's always annoying to have some jerk pick a personal fight with you on the bumper cars. And being bumped hard from behind is never nice.

    He thought it was being flirtatious to bump her as often as possible - sounds like the haha boy advising Bart (or Milhouse I can't remember) to punch his gf.

    Maybe she expected to have a ride with him, and to do the bumping together. :p

  15. ^^Yes, Nelson, and Milhouse never had a girlfriend. You're probably referencing the time that Bart dated the Pastor's evil daughter. ...Or there was the other girl that he tried really hard not to be himself around so she'd like him. Bart gets way more play than he should. But then again, it runs in the family! I mean, if HOMER can snag a SUPER HOTTIE like Marge, then I guess there's hope for Bart yet.

    *end scene*

  16. S20E17 – The Good, the Sad and the Drugly

    Nelson advises Bart to "punch her" to "seal the deal" referring to Jenny, a religious goody two shoes (not the pastor's daughter Jessica Lovejoy)


    Milhouse does end up with a girlfriend in S13E11 - The Bart Wants What It Wants. He dates Greta Wolfcastle for a short time. Then again, in this case he is still only getting Bart's sloppy seconds.



  17. Milhouse had another girlfriend....Samantha...Stankey? Something like that.
    That had one of the great lines in it: "We were like Romeo and Juliet, except it ended in tragedy."

  18. S03E23 - Bart's Friend Falls In Love

  19. @theMediator - We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

  20. I'm with Tommy on this one. You go into bumper cars to get bumped and she didn't say anything until after the last one and then he stopped. He offered her a doctor and she refused and just continued to bitch. I think the the flirtatious thing to do is to bump into her car as often as possible, and he only did it after she figured out how to maneuver it. Girls are crazy.


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